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On The Edge Of Tilt
This Is where i'm gunna post some crap I wrote to amuse myself while stoned and waiting for the inevitable muff outdraws playing online poker. Most of my dittys were originally posted on the Ladbrokes poker forum, but here they are again for posterity.If you haven't been here for a while, there's some long lost stories written prior to aug 2007 that i've only just got round to uploading below. If you like 'em, then gr8, if not then boo hoo, and as they (used to say) talk to the hand.
NewBee & OldLag - Opinion“NewBee”, and “OldLag” are talking about poker. NewBee knows that any 2 cards can win, his favourite words are “All-In”, he loves to gamble, and Gus Hansen is his hero. OldLag has been stung playing Ace rag out of position too many times, has learned by experience when to take his hand outta the fire, and doesn’t consider himself “pot committed” after a flat call, upgrading his hand to worthy of All-in at the first opportunity. OldLag is bemoaning his luck after 3.5 hrs solid play in last nights tournament. OldLag: “I lost 100k and went out on the bubble after some muppet bust my KK from the button by re-raising me All-in with 22 from the big blind, then he hits a set on the flop and im toast” NewBee: “You shouldn’t have committed all your chips pre-flop then”. OldLag: “Yeah, But I Was 4 to 1 on Favourite, It Was hard to swallow just short of the dollars”. NewBee “He must have thought you were trying to steal his blind, he had a legitimate bet”. OldLag: “ffs, maybe so, but Would You Have Risked It All, just one place from the cash holding 22, knowing you were even money at best, or a big dog to an overpair?, I raised 9x the BB so he could expect a call”. NewBee: “I dunno about that, but I Might if I thought you were stealing. – Look, To Get to 100k in the first place, you must have had a few 1/4’s stand up, so it’s just equalled itself out Ok”. OldLag: “I see your point, but cards don’t remember whats gone before, a good gamble is a good gamble m8”. NewBee: “If you wanna beat muppets, you gotta think like one, and you gotta play like one”. OldLag: “But Do I have to listen to one - Shut the fcuk up, wheres my sympathy, we aint started playing yet and you’ve already put me on tilt” NewBee: “No need to be like that, my opinions just as valid as yours”. The conversation ends when OldLag’s head suddenly explodes from the build up of pressure.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - Same muppetThings aint been going too well for OldLag this game, he’s not picking up any cards, and when he does make the odd call, he misses the flop by a week. He’s not won many pots and his stack is dwindling. Its been folded round to him on the button where he finds Kojak suited, so decides to give it a spin. He raises NewBee’s Big blind, hoping to take a small pot. NewBee Chortles: “You must have a good hand this time m8, I call”. The Flop is A 10 3 rainbow and action is on NewBee who checks. OldLag Just Knows NewBee doesn’t have any part of it, so throws the rest of his chips in, hoping to take the pot uncontested, after all, he represented strength and his Dinosaur brained m8 must surely be worried if he doesn’t hold an ace or at least a pair, and his king might even be leading. “Call” says NewBee in a heartbeat. “Chit” thinks OldLag, “that’s the one word I didn’t wanna hear, I got this one wrong….”. The chips are counted and the cards go over, with unbelievably NewBee showing exactly the same Hand, KJ suited, and the pot is shared. “How on earth could you call my All-In with no piece of it?” enquires OldLag, who’s glad to still be in, but fails to understand his m8’s play, even though his own may not have been too smart. OldLag then adds: “I aint played a hand for half an hour, then I raise ya preflop, and when an ace falls I go All-In, it cud’ve been an expensive mistake for over half yer chips”. NewBee: “Well u played Kojak, why shouldnt I?”. OldLag, struggling to explain, adds: “Yeah, but I was the aggressor, I thought it was a bad call by you, even though we did split it”. NewBee: “Your just sore coz I didn’t give it to ya”. OldLag: “No m8, you took a big risk on the chance I was bluffing”. NewBee: “No…. We both bet the same hand, if my play was bad, then so was yours, so according to u that must make us both the same muppet then….”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - Spectators“Whats that game your playing” asked one of NewBee’s friends. NewBee: “Its Poker, Like You See On The Telly”. Friend: “How do you play that then?”. NewBee: “Its Easy, everyone gets 2 cards face down, Then You Get A flop, then a turn, and then a river, after that the best hand wins”. Looking like he’s just walked out of a lecture on quantum mechanics, his friend asks, “Sounds complicated to me, how do you know what the best hand is?, and why aren’t you all always playing at the end”. NewBee: “Coz you have to put chips in when there’s a round of betting, if you don’t, then your out”. Whoooosh – straight over the top of his head. Friend: “How do you know how many chips to put in?”. NewBee: “You can put in as many as you want, but when your bluffing, you probably want to put loads in”. Whoooosh. OldLag, already ‘on the edge of tilt’, tries to hurry the game along “can we save the lessons till later please?, were in the middle of a hand here”. NewBee “Suppose so, anyway im All-In”. OldLag by now getting low on chips, looks down at his Queen 5, and grudgingly has to fold. A smiling NewBee flips over 7 2, his favourite hand, and rakes the chips towards him. Friend: “So 72 is a good hand then?”. NewBee: “No, it’s the worst hand but I bluffed him”. Friend: “I get it now, whoever puts the most chips in wins?”. NewBee: “Usually, Yeah. - Look, why don’t you have a game with us?”. Friend: “I might just do that next week, can my missus play as well?, she loves a game of cards”. NewBee: “No Problemo”. Friend: “your m8 doesn’t look too good, I think he’s choking on a crisp or something….”.Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Software UpgradeIt’s almost time for badjokes.com to release the new Microblaming poker software on an un-suspecting public. The PM’s are a bit unsure if some of the enhancements, such as ‘Increased Action’, will be well received, and are having a trial run on laptops in the local bar just before hometime. None of the PM’s have played much internet poker before, so don’t really have any benchmarks for comparison, but if it seems Ok, have decided to release it as soon as possible. Microblaming have also incorporated a new ‘All-In’ button, requested by the scandanavian contingent, which glows bright red and gives a loud audio warning so that a betting opportunity won’t be missed, should the player receive hole cards such as K9, Q7, Ace-Rag, or any small pocket pair. Bert’s addressing his team as they’re about to start the trial. Bert: “The most important thing is that the software ‘feels’ right” he says, “This time I don’t want any mistakes, so plz have ur bookies pencils and beermats ready at all times to take notes”. PM2 is not amused as he looks at his watch: “Shud’nt Microblaming be doing this, I mean, were not cyber geeks, this wasn’t in my job description, and I gotta go soon anyway, my goldfish won’t feed themselves u know?”. The rest of the PM’s silently nod in agreement, but Bert’s starting to get a tad miffed. Bert: “All I’m asking for is 10 mins guys, after all, we are still technically on company time!”. After the laughter subsides and a brief run-down of the rules, such as “A flush beats a str8” they get underway, with 5 of the PM’s using the New AI button first hand, and as the cards become exposed they find 4 players have the same AK suited, with Bert holding 72 offsuit, who proceeds to take the pot by rivering a deuce. Bert looks relieved: “Trial Over Folks, seems to be working better than ever...”Go To Page Top |
Wurly_69 - Same Chit Different dayIt’s bank holiday Monday, the suns shining, and there’s a whiff of barbecue in the air, with the click of deckchairs on patio’s accompanying 80’s nostalgia music all down the street, but unfortunatley theres no merriment at Wurly_69’s house, coz he’s too busy with his obsession about having the best starting hand ‘stand up’ to notice any distractions. It’s bubble time yet again, and here it is, just the marginal hand he’s been trying to avoid, pocket rockets in the big blind, with just the SB calling for pot-odds. “Bollox, One more pot and I’ll make the dollars easy, at worst I must be 6/4 underdog, should I go for it?”, he thinks, as he takes 29 seconds before sliding his small stack into the centre. The Small blind has a huge amount of chips, so gives him a spin with 56 offsuit. “you fking beauty” he whoops as the flop comes A 2 8 rainbow, “It’s mine, It’s nearly all mine” he screams, adding “runner-runner me now you fking muppet, I dare ya!”, before the turn is 4, but Wurly’s heart starts sinking fast, coz he just know’s what’s on the menu. “Pleeeze dear god, I promise to be good, just NO 7… NO 7…, just one time baby, pleeeeeze”. The neighbours are by now covering the kids ears, coz they have heard this many times before, and just like Wurly, know it’s odds-on a 7 will hit. It seems like an age as they wait with bated breath, until the silence is finally broken with Wurlys usual war-cry: “No, Nooo, Nooooooooooooo… why do fking badjokes.com do this to me every fking time……”. Trying to be helpful, his concerned Neighbour shouts through the open window: “Wurly m8, If u’d checked, then bet the flop he probably wud’v folded…”. This innocent comment turns Wurly from steaming to ballistic as he hurls his PC into the garden, scattering burgers and ribs all over the place: Wurly screams: “It’s fking rigged I tells ya, C if u can do any better then u muppet…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – The SecretNewBee and OldLag meet in the pub after OldLag returns from brain surgery, and still vainly trys to cling onto his belief that if you “get your money in with the best hand, you win in the long run”, but is listening more carefully to NewBee in order to understand his enemy. NewBee proudly boasts: “I won a massive pot the other day with J 7 suited, this guy only raised me 8 times the blind, so it was a cheap call, and I wish I could have seen his face when he realised his AA in the hole was no good, after I flopped 2 pair an he went all-in – sweet”, OldLag Comments “Yeah But, you were a big dog pre-flop”. NewBee: “How could I be, I had half a flush in my hand already, with a picture card AND the chance of a straight, it looked good to me”. OldLag: “Err, Ok… I suppose if you look at it that way, but im not convinced”, NewBee: “Look, you have to take chances at poker, you just arent aggressive enough”. OldLag, getting tired of perverse logic always seeming to come out on top, fires one last salvo “Ok Then, when you called did you think you were in front”, to which NewBee replies “I didn’t think about it, that’s the secret, I just knew I had a good hand”, and with the words “Any 2 cards” ringing in his ears OldLag realises its time to make room for a new breed of poker player.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – GusNewBee arrives at his weekly game, fired up from watching another re-run of WSOP 2004 last night. “Did you see it” he exitedly says. OldLag asks “Which One Was It, Ive seen em all loads of times”. NewBee answers: “it was one where Gus Hansen Called That All-In With 10 8 offsuit for half his chips and flopped a straight - what a player he is, I mean, his timing is perfect”. A Little Bemused, OldLag Says: “Pretty Lucky, I would rather have had the big overpair pre-flop, but as they say, that’s poker”. Sensing his chance to enlighten his buddy that the words “All-In” don’t act like some kind of magic talisman when his hero Gus says em, adds: “Theres one episode you probaly wont have seen yet, where Gus went out first on the final table after just 1 or 2 hands - He tried a reraise all-in pre-flop bluff and got looked up, showing 5 2 off. He looked a right muppet skulking out when he missed completley, I was pmsl”. NewBee thinks for less than a second and says, “Yeah, sometimes players get lucky against him, but you gotta admit he went out in style”, to nods of approval from all but an open mouthed OldLag, who just hasn’t got the will to live, let alone say “that’s the point, OUT in style”.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – 3 PairsIts well into the night of the local pub game, the beers are in and the wits are out. Once Again NewBee is using his hap-hazard logic based on half-truths, and what he could remember from WSOP on sky last nite. Hes actually doing quite well, he’s chip leader and feels the spiirit of his god ‘Gus’ rising inside him faster than a 100 story elevator. “All-In” he cries once more, and this time OldLag, not wanting to surrender his big blind once again, decides to give him a spin with Q9 suited, its not a big hand and he knows hes probably behind, but wtf, he’s on the edge of tilt anyway, and for once just wants to wipe the smile off his mates face. When the cards go over NewBee Smirks showing “7 2 offsuit” – the hammer. “Its always been lucky for me” he says, “I always play that hand”. OldLag, Now Delighted To Be favourite replys “You’re a Bit Of A Dog m8”, to a reply of “We’ll See”. The first card, slowly peeled off, in pub-game fashion, is a Queen to the unadulterated delight of OldLag, but wait… Heres a 7 and then, lord above, a 2 giving NewBee His two pair. “Told Ya..” booms NewBee to a choked OldLag, Stella dripping from his mouth, too shocked to breathe. The Turn card is 6, No Help, River Card another 6, NewBee Whoops “Gotcha hahahaha”, but wait…. OldLag starts scooping NewBee’s pot towards him. “WTF are you doing” says NewBee. OldLag: “I Have 2 Pair, Queens Over 6’s”, NewBee Protests: “But I Have 3 Pairs 7’s 2’s and 6’s”. After a brief recap of the rules, NewBee admits defeat, but adds: “That’s wrong, they should change that rule” – “Its Unfair I know” sympathises OldLag, who has that warm glow inside, felt only by poker players after bashing a muppet.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – I Had OutsIts Been a few weeks since NewBee first became a “poker player” and he’s somewhat obsessed with with “getting in the money” for the first time, a goal he initially thought would be easy, but it’s taking a while longer than he thought. OldLag asks him how its going on their next meeting. NewBee: “I’m just not getting enough luck, I nearly made the top 20 the other day, I just wanted a queen and I would have won a huge pot”. OldLag Enquires as to the circumstances. NewBee: “Well, I had KJ and the first guy made a raise, so I called and when the flop was A 10 2 I was rubbing my hands, so when he bet again I called, and after another guy went all-in I did too coz the pot was huge”. OldLag: “Didn’t you put any of them on an ace, and when an ace flopped wern’t you worried?”. NewBee: “A Bit, But I had outs”. OldLag: “lol yeah, 4 to be exact”. NewBee: “But I had 2 goes to get em, and Don’t forget I could also get 2 kings or 2 jacks, so that gives me more chances”. OldLag: “Still, It doesn’t sound too good to me, I personally would have folded, or wouldn’t have been in the pot to start with”. NewBee: “Well, it worked before, that’s how I got so many chips in the first place”. OldLag: “I believe you did fella, but drawing to an inside straight for all your chips is a high risk play”. NewBee: “Whats do you mean by inside straight, a Queen would have given a full straight?”. OldLag: “Just shoot me m8 and put me out of my misery, bollocks, im All-In”Go To Page Top |
TheGrudge – Live GameTheGrudge has been invited to a live game at Dicky147’s club. Dicky has his reservations, but thinks that surely all that attitude, swearing and intimidation on-line is just bravado and only done for a laugh. “Glad u could make it” says Dicky as TheGrudge arrives. “Wheres that fking lucky bstard muppet Reds” says TheGrudge, ignoring the outstretched hand of Dicky, “Err.. He’s at the bar, having a drink” says Dicky, suddenly realising that this was his worst idea he’s had since flat calling with Aces in a multi-way pot. “But shouldn’t you take off your coat first and leave your baseball bat in the cloakroom?”, but by now TheGrudge has already started moving towards Reds, Lifting the baseball bat high like a samurai warrior. “Watch Out…” Screams Dicky as TheGrudge makes his move. Reds turns round to confront his would be assailant, “Its Ok, Dicky” shouts Reds, “I Got Him covered”, as he produces a Magnum 357 from his jacket Pocket. This Brings TheGrudge to a Screeching halt. “Hiya Buddy” says TheGrudge, “Have You Got Any Balls I can borrow?"Go To Page Top |
TheGrudge – American SiteAfter being gagged more times than an S&M Gimp, TheGrudge decides to sign up for an American poker site where the chat is unregulated. He’s heard there’s some great abuse to be had here, could it be true?. Could it be what he’s been searching for all his ‘poker’ career, “Theres only one way to find out” he thinks as he deposits $10 into his new account. He’s a tad miffed because theres no 25 percent signing on bonus, but WTF, he’s heard theres some easy pickings on here and cant wait to get started. The clock ticks down to the start of his first MTT, “10..9..8… “, he counts to himself, “come on .. come on..” then in a flash its there. “The Tournament Will Begin In 30 seconds” says the message. TheGrudge cant wait. “Don’t Any of you yankee mother fcukers dare call my raises” grudge types. “The Tournament Will Begin In 10 seconds” reads the message. “Bite Me” replys one Yank, “Fcuk off you Limey scumbag” types another, “U take it up the arse” says a 3 rd. Ahhhh heaven, TheGrudge knows its gunna be just as good as they said….Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - New GuyIts 4.30pm, and the PM’s have just woken from their afternoon siesta. PM1: “bloody hell, we’ve slept in again, is that the time?”. PM2: “Don’t worry, we havent got much on today, only that new guy to train before home time”. PM1 sniggers: “Phew, glad its nothing important then”. PM2: “Hes the replacement for that automated response system we set up a few years back, u know the one that only sends the ‘individual queries’ message”. PM1 looks puzzled: “Why do we need him then?”. PM2: “people have been complaining, so the boss thought it might be a good idea”. PM1: “Is that him, that guy asleep in reception?”. PM2: “Dunno, but if it isnt we should offer him the job anyway, he looks like he would fit in quite well here”. They both burst out laughing and wake the new guy up. “So what did you do in your last job?” enquires PM2. Newguy: “I Used to Clean Barbary Ape Pooh up, for the local council”. PM1: “Sounds like you are perfectly qualified then”. Newguy: “They thought so at head office, that’s why they head hunted me”. PM2: “So what do you know about internet poker and customer services”. Newguy: “Nothing”. Both PM’s look at each other knowingly, then PM1 says: “Looks like there fast-tracking you for the top job then”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – First DayIts then New Guys first day on the customer relations team, and The morning is taken up by trying to choose a name for him: “PM3” I think…. Says “PM2”, Newguy replys: “Too Obvious, I Like PM007, its got more of a ring to it”, “Nah…” replys, PM2: “That’s the one the boss wants, he’ll never allow it”. After none of them can come to a decision, they decide to have a leisurly lunch before siesta time to mull the problem over. “I Know” says Newguy excitedly, can I be called “PM69”, “Already gone im afraid” says PM1 as he tucks into his plate of Paella and chips “That’s the Boss’s wifes”. Ive got an idea says PM2, “Why don’t we ask the Boss what he thinks, put the decision on him, It will make our life easier, were snowed under as it is”. “He’s away for a few months, checking out locations for next years poker cruise, hes got a lot of ships to get through” says PM1, “Hes also got to ensure the freebies for whatshis name are suitable”, PM2: “u mean ROYTHEPLOY”. NewGuy: “I think I heard of him, aint he that guy used to be in crossroads?”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Real WorkAfter contacting the boss, the newguy finally has a name. “I Like it” says PM3, “short and sweet. “Are You ready to do some real work today?” asks PM1, “we gotta show u the buttons and how it all works”, PM3: “Uh…, Ok”. PM1: “but first we have to read the paper - find out what our competitors are up to if you know what I mean” he says winking. Theres a long silence from the new recruit. “Errrrr…”, PM2: “Whats wrong”. PM3: “I know I should have told you this earlier, but I cant read or write”. PM1: “hahahaha, that’s not a problem, in fact its an advantage, we’ll just put you in charge of the forum”. PM3 is a bit puzzled “I just told u I cant read or write”. PM2: “theres only a few buttons, ones for the daddy report, one for norton firewall, and one for individual queries”. PM3: “Errr but I cant recognise numbers either”. PM2: “Just try your best, its all anyone can ask”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Hands Off“Hands off c-cks On with socks” shouts a bleary eyed PM1, “The Boss is coming, I just got a phone call from from the Marina, the QE2’s docking and hes on it with those mates of his, the ones trying to get on ‘im a celebrity’, I think hes got em lined up for some sort of 100k 10 seater freeroll”. Quickly, well as quickly as a PM can, they all get out of the office beds and get dressed. “Hes coming to inspect the offices and find out whats been going on”. PM3: “I only met him the once, when he hired me, he doesn’t seem a bad chap”. PM2: “hes a real tyrant when you get to know him, I once had to do a 3 hour shift on the runner-runner button, hell it was, I can tell you, In the end I just picked names from a hat and set it on auto”. PM1: “I hope you got overtime for it”. PM2 looks skywards: “Nah, but he did give me time off in lieu”. PM1: “What happened to the guys you busted”. PM2: “Oh Chit, I forgot to turn it off”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – New IdeasThe pokermanagers are having a meeting to discuss new ideas. You couldn’t exactly call it a brainstorming session or a think tank, but its something they do each week without any agenda or real purpose, or interest for that matter, for a reason long forgotten. The Boss Speaks: “What im looking for today are fresh ideas on how we can be more profitable Here On BadJokes.com, Any Thoughts?”. Theres a shuffling of chairs, a few coughs, its so quiet you can almost hear the Rich Tea biscuits being dunked into the coffee. “Anyone….”, He says. Feeling like he needs to make his mark, the new “care assistant” for want of a better word, PM3, sticks his hand up. “Errr… what about taking some good ideas from other sites and just copying them?”. The rest of the room burst into laughter. “We Tried That, giggles the boss, copyings not as easy as you think”, to the approval of the drones, nodding like dogs on the real parcel shelf of a car. “Anyone else?”. PM1, by far the most experienced PM of them all says, “Its nearly time for lunch Bert, Why don’t we just do what we did last time and massage the rake’s, that’ll gives us our tidy profit share this year, bet those gambling addicts don’t even notice”. Bert Smiles: “I can always depend on you to pull us out of the sh1te m8, always”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – BazzaThe pokermanagers have retained the services of Bazza ‘Show me the money’ Earn, a cockney barrow boy who knows chit about poker but has a remarkable track record in making money whatever pie he sticks his finger into. Bazza’s the only man alive who can’t even run a 2 hour televised darts match without one of the players dropping out unexpectedly, and still line his pockets with moolah, hes the perfect man for the job. They are having a meeting to discuss the up and coming Poker Billions promotion. “Whats My Cut” says Bazza before discussions begin. “Waddya want” replys Bert. “To Start with, I want to write a self promotional piece on the Web Site” states Bazza, “Then I want entry into all the freerolls so I can try gain a place for myself, and I want the snooker lads from my ‘backroom sports’ stable to have a free go. I also want a cut from the TV Right’s And repeats, Total freedom in production, my normal consultancy fee of 500k, paid into my swiss bank account up-front, oh, and lastly fresh flowers delivered to my room every day.”. Bert Frowns: “mmmm, I think the flowers may be a problem…..”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - MicroblamingThe PM’s are having a meeting with ‘Microblaming’ the suppliers of their poker software, to discuss problems and new features. “Have You got the shoe box?” says PM1 to PM2. “Which One” replys PM2, narrowing his eyes, PM1: “The One We Keep out notes in, U know, the one where we store the paperwork”. PM2 looks blank as he says: “I never even knew we had such a thing, Ive worked here 3 years and never seen it”. PM1 starts laughing, “Never mind, I think I can remember some of the stuff anyway”. He begins by saying: “It appears the software slows down if you’ve got something called Horton Firedoor running, we had a lot of complaints about it”. Microblaming Programmer: “Did they Re-boot their PC’s?”. PM1: “We’ll put a post on the forum next week, can’t be anything else now I come to think of it”. The meeting drags on for a full 5 minutes, when the young Microblaming guy, fresh from his 2 week vocational IT training says: “So to summarise, that’s an action history button for each hand, A way to make it harder to find people in the lobby, and a switch to that cheaper ISP in Spain”. PM1: “I think that just about covers everything - where did you say were going for lunch again?”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanager – ROYTHEPLOYThe PM’s are getting exited as they wake from the morning siesta, not since that bloke who once had a walk on part in casualty paid a visit has there been such a buzz in the air. PM1 speaks: “ROYTHEPLOY’s coming in for a meeting with the boss“, he says:, “We might even get an autograph”. PM2 Speaks: “Hope So, I can add him to all the other’s I got from the 100k greyhound freeroll”. PM1: “You better get it before the meeting then, coz I don’t think the boss is happy with him at the moment, he had 20 goes to qualify for the poker billions and didn’t get a seat, and he might not give u it later”. As RTP arrives to a pop-star welcome, he’s mobbed by an army of adoring PM’s, Each one smiling and staring lovingly at their hero, RTP is a nice chap, who’s happy to talk to, and sign autographs for the giggling PM’s, “So how do u play big slick then?”, PM2 asks. RTP: “Chuck it all-in preflop”. PM2: “Ahhh… so that’s the way”. RTP: “Yeah, Easy”. PM2: “What about JJ, I always struggle with that”. RTP: “Chuck it all-in, you don’t want that muther calling”. PM2: “KK?”. RTP: “Same”. PM2: “Cheers, You’re a goldmine of info, I bet all poker sites had wish they had a pro like you”. RTP: “Thanks, Now I gotta see Bert, I think he’s got some more freebies for me…..”Go To Page Top |
Salome the table stalker – No ReplyThe 9.30am tourny is just 5 mins away, as Salome scans the lobby. He’s a sad excuse of a man who spends his days in chatrooms and playing internet poker. He doesnt have real friends except his cyberspace aquaintences, who all think hes actually a woman. This he reasoned, will get more people talking to him. He’s tried poker for a few years now without any success - he usually cant stay in one window long enough to know whats going on - so is now reduced to railbird status. “Hi m8”, he types into the chat window of his target, as soon as the game commences, but there’s no answer. “U there” he types after his mark has folded the first hand, still no reply. “U lost ur chat m8” he types 2 mins later, and then still can’t understand why theres no reply, hes not the sharpest tool in the box you see. He Tries Again: “Not Talking today…”. No answer. “U playing 2 games at once”, Nothing. He tries one last time “You won any dollars l8ly m8”, but this time there is a reply, “Shut the fcuk up, I told you no over the breakfast table…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & The Pokermanagers – Kinky’s ProblemKinkyWarped arrives at Badjoke grove, hopefully to resolve a long running dispute. “What Exactly Do You Mean By Muff Tickling Tuppence Tugging Minge Kissing Ass Brained Fking Cretins” says a stunned Cleaner, “You Must be looking for Badjokes.com - 3 rd floor m8”. As he arrives at reception he’s still boiling, “Can I help you?” the receptionist says, to which Kinky replies: “Your Mother was fcuked by donkeys you company sh1tehouse”. The receptionist knows immediatley what he wants: “You Must be looking for our poker division, end of the corridor, 1 st right, just look for the sign that says WC, next to the canteen”. It was 4pm and the doors had only just opened - she didn’t need this kind of flak so early in the day. She Adds: “You can’t miss it, it’s the door with all the people outside it”. Upon taking his place in the Queue, Kinky can’t believe it, it’s like an anger management course crossed with a Tourets syndrome self-help group, each person swearing and more irate than the last. When it’s his turn to go in, he takes his place at the Urinal next to Bert who has a serious look on his face: “So you’re the guy who overloaded our FAX machine and email system are’nt you, tut..tut.., I keep telling ‘em to replace the ZX-80, but you know what bean counters are like…”. A gobsmacked Kinky, expecting Jeremy Beadle at any moment, Replys: “What About my problem, what the Fcuk are you gonna do about it you muff?”. Bert: “Errr…, Im sorry, I think its our customer Care department you want, but im afraid its switched off at the moment, do you think you can come back next week…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – Super SystemOldLag has let NewBee borrow his well thumbed copy of super system. “Keep it for as long as you want, Its not done me any good” says OldLag wryly. “Whos that guy that wrote it again?” enquires NewBee, “Doyle Brunson” replies OldLag, “it’s the book all the pros have read, a lot of it aint relevent but you will find some good stuff there”. NewBee: “Wasn’t he the guy who was in the professionals with that bodie guy?”. OldLag: “Bloody hell, are you trying to wind me up?” NewBee: “Just thought Id ask, a lot of actors play poker these days, I saw it at the start of oceans 11 and in them celeb games on challenge”. OldLag: “He won back to back world titles in the seventies, he’s a legend of the game, sort of like Bobby Charlton is at football”, NewBee: “Oh Right, did he play on the internet as well?”. OldLag: “Fking hell, they didn’t have the internet in the 70’s it was Live only”. Pondering this information, NewBee Asks: “I heard that poker on the internet is totally different to live play”. At Last, a sensible comment, to which OldLag says: “Yeah it is, people don’t usually just burn all there chips playing stupidly live, cos the next game aint just a mouse click away”. NewBee Thinks for a while: “So Your lending me a 30 year old book, which aint relevent, by a guy I never heard of, and you call me a muppet” OldLag: “Now you put it that way yeah, I suppose I must be”. NewBee: “U got anything written by Gus Hansen?”Go To Page Top |
ScandiRays - Nice FoldIf there's one guy you don’t want at your table its ScandiRays, he’s the one player all others fear most. Everone knows him and has played against him at some time, and he’s unplayable. If you raise, he re-raises big time, if you check, then that just encourages him more, and the only thing more frightening than his raise, is when HE checks (which doesn’t happen often), he’s a sort of ‘Rock’ In reverse, a betting machine. The worst thing though, is knowing that when you finally look him up, he WILL have the goods, You are scared and he knows you are. He comes from Allinkoping, a hotbed of poker in Sweden where the number of casinos per capita is only surpassed by the suicide rate - you can’t figure it out - but What you do know, is don’t tangle with ScandiRays, coz you always play for everything when he’s got a live hand and he cant be bluffed. Its not about Poker for him, he gets HIS jollys by making you feel foolish, inadequate, and as impotent as a Nuclear Power worker everytime you fold - which is most of the time. A typical conversation after he makes you muck your hand yet again by using his powerhouse tactics would be: ScandiRays: “Nice Fold”, Reds: “Ty, I was scared - wot u av”. ScandiRays: “52 off”, Reds: “Nice Bet, I had KK”. Im telling u this so you don’t blow your bankroll against this nutter, if you have a choice, avoid ScandiRays at all costs, don’t end up Frightened, broke and Dissilusioned like poor Reds did.Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – New CertificateIts time for badjokes.com to have a meeting with Vice Slaughterhouse & Blooper, the auditors of their RNG (Random Number Generator) system to make sure all is fair and above board, and to ensure the cards are being dealt correctly. Its never been done before, because Bert just assumed a photo-copy of a forgery, bought in a shanty town in Soweto would be good enough to pacify everyone. “Hahahahaa” says PM1, “who’s bright idea was that?”. PM1: “I dunno, but some of us will have to go to South Africa to buy a real one”. PM3: “Is it a cruise job to get there then?”. PM1: “yes, think so, u wanna go?”. PM3: “Yes plz, Can I take my wife and dog?”. PM1: “Don’t see it as a problem m8, Bert always does, and you know his policy of leading by example”. A total of 6 assorted PM’s, along with wives/girlfriends and assorted pets, board the Oricana, taking a relaxing 3 weeks to get there via the caribbean. As soon as the ship docks, several representative’s of VSB are waiting, to provide an armed guard to their office, buried deep in the rebel townships, eventually ending up at the accommodation address located inside Mandella house. “Uncle Bert!!!” says Price, the keyholder of the premises, “Good Trip?”. Bert: “Yes Tx, but I’ll feel much better after some lunch and few beers”. Price: “Do you want to stop off at the market now or later to get your new certificate”. Bert: “Theres plenty of time for work later, lets just enjoy ourselves first…”Go To Page Top |
TheChiseler – ComebackIts been a year or two since Julian ‘TheChiseler’ backgarden was in the limelight on the WSOP, he’s now skint and reduced to grabbing what he can in the odd internet game, as well as the weekly £2 rebuy with his chums at his squat in Mosside. “Aaaarrriiiite arrrr kiiidddd” each Liam Gallagher clone says as he arrives, depositing assorted weaponry, drugs, porn and cheap booze on the kitchen Tea-Chest, next to the filthy waddington’s playing cards & bottle tops they use for chips. It’s a hole, but He needs all the practice he can get, because this year he hopes to be back up there with the big boys. “I got just t’man for u Chiseler, met him down t’strip club t’other night”, his m8 Gutshot growls, adding: “he’s called Bazza Earn, u heard of him?, he can turn chit into shinola that guy, he’s coming over for a few Bevvies and a game, in fact that’s him at the door now….”. In Walks Bazza, diamond rings glistening in the light of the 40w bulb. “Trust Me” are his first words, grinning from ear to ear, “I’m the man for the job”. Chiseler: “What can you do for me then our kid?”. Bazza gently slaps TheChiseler on the cheek in true godfather style and says: “Whatever you want my son, but one day I may ask a favour in return”. TheChiseler becomes instantly suspicious: “I aint fighting that Frank Bruno in that comeback fight ur planning our kid”. Bazza: “Course Not son, sign here first and I’ll tell ya later…..”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Routine Maintenance“Who broke the routine maintenance button?” laughs PM1 over brunch, “Someone did, and I wanna know who”. Its 11am and the PM’s have got into work early today coz theres live tractor pulling on SkyTV later, It’s Bulgaria v Romania and they never miss it. PM2 shuffles his sun-lounger: “Errrr… I think It may be me, im sorry but it just fell off when I pressed it during the 50k guaranteed tourny last night”. PM1: “Im not gunna give u a bollocking, its just that Bert asked and I gotta tell him something”. PM2: “can’t u just blame the French or Spanish”. PM1: “We did that the last 50 times, the boss wants us to be more creative”. PM3: “Can’t we just say we did it for the addicts own good” PM1: “Good idea, but I don’t think all those players who lost $100 or more will see it that way”. PM3: “What about if we nip out to Radio Shack and buy another, we can have it fitted within a few weeks”. The rest of the PM’s have a horrified look on there faces, no-one wants to speak, but PM1 feels like its his duty to inform the newcomer of ‘company policy’. PM1: “Use your head m8, that costs money, we cant be dipping into the company coffers on a whim” adding: “if we spent cash on new hardware everytime someone complained where would that leave us?”. PM2 interjects “Just think about your profit share m8”. PM3 starts laughing: “I mustv left my brain on the bus this morning”. It only takes 2 more hours until a decision is reached. PM1: “Gaffer tape it is then…..”Go To Page Top |
the_mother – Normal Daybeep.beep.beep….beep.beep.beep…. its 6.45am and the_mother’s eyes open. It’s just another normal day for this singleton, it’s the same story the world over, Kids to dress and feed, house to clean, washing & ironing to do, it’s a never ending job, made harder when theres no partner to share the workload, but first its a game of internet poker. Theres just time for a coffee and a cigarette before her first MTT of the day starts. “Chelsea”, she shouts up the stairs, “Change our Britney’s nappy will ya, and give her some pop and choccy from the fridge for breakfast”. Chelsea: “Ok mum” the 6 year old replies, adding: “Then do you want me do drop her off at Mr Glitters house next door so he can babysit while your ‘working’”. the_mother: “Yes thanks love, and ask him if he can drop you off at school again as well”. It takes a while for the toddler to carry her little sister down the stairs, but she’s done quite well today, only dropping the little’un once. “Have you got my dinner money mum?” asks Chelsea. the_mother replies: “Errrrr.. Sry luv, im a bit short this week”. Chelsea: “I forgot to tell ya, mum, our Britney’s been trying to say her first words all week long, I think she’s trying again now”. the_mother: “Be right over luv soon as I finish here”. The_mother makes it through the first hour of the tourny to the 5 min break, grabs another smoke and coffee, then hurrys her way to the old dog basket before the game restarts. “mmmm” the nipper says, “mmmuuuu..” she gurgles. Chelsea, by now getting exited squeeks: “mummy, mummy, shes gonna talk mummy, I think she recognises you”. A proud the_mother leans over the makeshift crib as baby Britney utters her first words: “Mmmmuuuppet”. The_mother: “Ahhh, aint she sweet, she’s gunna be a chip off the old block…..”.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – LingoNewBee has started to really get into this poker malarky, its basically taken over his life, and he can’t get enough of it. When working he’s thinking about it, when he’s not playing he’s watching it on telly, and when its time for bed he’s reading poker books till he falls asleep. All his conversations are poker related, and next years holiday to Vegas is already booked, much to the disappointment of his wife and kids whom he promised to take to Centreparcs. He’s obsessive, He’s got the ‘bug’ bad style. NewBee’s picking up a lot of poker lingo too, and uses it whenever possible. NewBee: “What do you think about Flat Calling with Ajax under the gun?” he asks, “Or do you think I should overbet the pot indicating strengh?”. Its 7am in the morning and the rest of the bus queue are getting upset. “Are You some kind of nutter?” says the driver, adding: “Where did you want to go again?, hospital was it m8?”. NewBee doesn’t know for sure what all this slang means, but it sounds good, and it impresses players newer to the game than he is. His latest phrase is “pot odds” which he uses all the time, he’s got a rough idea what it’s about, and it sounds just the excuse he needs to justify calling any bet. “Im All-In” says OldLag, holding the Arnold Schwarzenegger of starting hands. “I Call”, Says NewBee after a full 2 seconds thinking time, bouncing around like Phil Hellmuth on acid, slamming his monster J 10 offsuit on the table. He’s a bit disappointed to see AA, but still exited. NewBee: “Nice American Airplanes”. OldLag: “How the Hell can you put all ur chips in with Jack High so early in the game?”. NewBee: “I was getting good pot-odds, I thought you knew all about that stuff?”. OldLag: “You’re Only getting even money and you’re miles behind, how can that be good pot odds m8?, you should leave the ganja alone and shut the fcuk up?”. NewBee: “No… It’s a decent pot and J 10 is a good Drawing hand, don’t you know anything?”. (‘Drawing Hand’ Is another new phrase he’s Just picked up). OldLag: “If you say so m8, now give us a flop”. 3 cards appear on the board and theres no help for Oldlag, but NewBee Catches a 10. NewBee: “Now I have more ‘outs’”. OldLag: “True, 2 more m8” he says sarcastically. The turn is blank, OldLag feels better coz he knows his buddy is an even longer shot, but’s secretly worried he may lose this one. After all, he’s been shafted on the river like Ned Beatty in Deliverence more times than he can remember, and just prays he aint gunna squeal like a pig again. NewBee, fueled by a heady mix of alchohol and drugs shouts: “Cmon Baby, 10 or a Hook, 10 or a Hook”. he screams: “Just One Time Baby, Just One Time...”, to the bemusement of the pigeon fanciers having a meeting in the tap room. Of course the River is another 10. “I Read ya Right” smirks NewBee, Scooping the chips, “I Put you on ‘Overcards’ and that’s what you had”. OldLag: “What can I say, Im well gutted?”. NewBee: “Just accept I outplayed ya… btw, can u do the dealing, and go to the bar for us now that your out m8….”Go To Page Top |
the_mother – Kindred SpiritIts 3.25pm, and the_mother is online as usual, she’s forgotten pick young Chelsea up from school again, and she hasn’t looked in on baby Britney all day, who’s being cared for by Mr Glitter the babysitter next door. She’s been too busy chatting to another female poker player who’s in a similar situation to her. the_mother: “How Do we manage to fit everything in?”. Citybabe2: “We’re just not appreciated at all”. The_mother: “We cook, wash, iron, clean, put food on the table…” Citybabe2: “We play internet poker….”. the_mother: “Yeah, lol, maybe we don’t do the cooking/washing/ironing and stuff, but we do bring in the dollars”. Citybabe2: “Errr…. Yeah, course we do”. the_mother: “You must be coining it it by now, wot with all the wins u keep having?”. Citybabe2: “Errr…..” The_mother: “How much was it last year, the badjokes.com poker site said u was really raking it in” Citybabe2: “Errr…Well……” the_mother: “I read in ‘The Scum’ it was quarter of a mill”. Citybabe2: “u shudnt believe everything u read in the paper”. The_mother: “Well, how much was it then?” Citybabe2: “Ok Ok, if you must know, I bumped into Bert from badjokes.com in the bar at the University freeroll, he was looking for ideas on how to encourage more housewives to gamble, he took a few photos of me, and before I knew it, I was a target for all the high-rollers on the net”. The_mother: “So what did he pay you?” Citybabe2: “Nothing, but he did say he would buy me lunch next time I was in Gibraltar…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - PromotionsThe closing date approaches for the badjokes.com poker billions, advertised throughout europe for 6months as ‘exclusive to internet qualifiers only’. The trouble is, it hasn’t generated the expected interest or revenue, and with 8 places still unsold, Bert is starting to get worried, so brings in his m8, cockney ‘troubleshooter’ Bazza Earn to sort it out. Bert: “Im gunna be a laughing stock and 120k in the hole by the end of the month, there gunna have my balls on a platter”. Bazza looks incredulously at Bert and says: “Just say it’s a typo m8, change the wording on the web-site to say ‘as usual we will have 8 pro and celebrity players’ and buy your way out of trouble”. Bert: “The porkies dont worry me, it’s the fact I took a flyer by diverting the customer care budget for added prize money as well”. Bazza: “Ok then, how about it if you run a ladders promo and offer a million quid as first prize, by the time they realise it’ll take decades to finish, there gunna be too busy complaining to remember the billions fiasco”. Bazza then confidentley adds: “in the meantime, think of all the intrest u get on the cash, and When it all finally does go tits-up, just offer em a token refund”. Bert: “Ur a bloody living Genius m8, but I don’t think we’re gunna make the guarantees for the NO-COP season either?”. Bazza: “Offer em 50 bucks just to turn up for the weekly finals, when the lab rats think its easy money they’ll come flooding in”. Bert: “You make perfect sense m8, ur worth every million of that retainer”. Bazza: “U need help with the cruise too?”. Bert winks and says: “That’s one promo I DO know how to sort out….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Target PracticeIn a bid to stem the declining number of high-stakes players at badjokes.com, the pokermanagers hold an extraordinary meeting during the mid-morning tea-break. It’s extraordinary, mainly because most of the PM’s have woken up so early, and secondly because PM1 has draughted an agenda. He’s understandably concerned that if profits dip, it will cut down on the freebies, so reading from the back of his cigarette packet speaks first. PM1: “We gotta discuss our T&C’s.”. PM2: “You mean, those buttons we press sometimes marked ‘official’”. PM3 quickly joins in: “lol - You mean The ones we use for target practice with the pea shooters?”. PM1: “Yeah, that’s them”. PM3 then proudly announces: “I got 3 bulls-eyes last week while I was reading some complaints from a kid called PinkLloyd, he was a bit p1ssed off coz he lost his dinner money or something”. PM1: “how did u handle it?”. PM3: “I Just kept popping away until I hit one a few times”. He then adds boastfully to the rest of the room: “I got 3 bulls in 4 days!!!”. PM1: “Then wot?” PM3: “He mustv got the message we couldn’t give a chit by now, were pokermanagers not nursemaids”. PM1: “Good work m8, you got a bright future at badjokes.com…..”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – PromisesIts time for the monthly office lottery, and the PM’s are all stood round waiting. Theres no buzz in the air, no chatting, no-one saying “I hope its me today”, in fact the only crossing of fingers you get, are from those desperate to lose, coz the prize is ‘forum duty’ for a day. This is the worst job a PM can have, and the only way to allocate it is by a draw. They would all rather be bog cleaning on ‘A Life of Grime’ than this, coz it means they have to answer some serious questions and make some promises they know wont be kept. To make it fair to all, they use a feed from the poker RNG to decide who gets the job, and as Bert is about to press the button announces “GL everyone”. The numbers flash, and in an instant up it comes. Bert: “This months lucky winner is…. PM7”. Everyone whoops with delight except a crestfallen PM7 who gasps: “Not Again… Why is it always me?, that’s 6 straight months now!!”. Bert: “Tough Break m8, that’s just the way it goes”. PM7: “But its just not fair, you rigged it”. Bert: “U accusing me of something?”. PM7: “Errrr, No I’m just disappointed To Win Again”. Bert: “Good, coz ur not gunna be happy next month either…..”Go To Page Top |
Scaley the agony aunt – Solution“I wonder how many questions I can answer today” thinks Scaley as he makes his way to the www.best-foot.com web-site office. Its not HIS office really, its his PC at work, but who’ll know the difference?, not his dumb pr1ck of a boss, that’s for sure, and the poker junkies don’t care, why should they?, there all playing on-line from work too, and couldn't give a monkeys toss anyway. After his usual smoke, coffee, and read of ‘poker news’ while taking a forest gump, he grins as he boots up the PC and gets down to business. First up is a young lady who asks: “Dear Scaley, My husband is obsessed with poker. He comes to bed grumpy after losing every night, and im not getting any conjugals, Were on the verge of a divorce, what do you think I should do?”. Scaley carefully considers his reply: “Dear mrsgrudge, I think you should inform your husband not to get into too many 50/50 situations for all his chips, coz even if he’s marginal favourite he still risks getting outdrawn. His position at the tables will then start improving, and Hey Presto!, so will yours in bed. If by any chance this doesn’t work, here’s my phone number…”. He Clicks The ‘Send’ Button thinking, “Ahhh, another satisfied customer…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – ClockIt’s 11.59 GMT in the ‘customer care’ department, and the PM’s, are hard asleep when the office lunch bell rings. PM2 wakes first, yawning and stretching, but when he looks at the clock he does a double-take, and shaking PM1 on the shoulder gasps: “Is that the right time m8?”. As PM1 slowly leaves the land of nod, he glances over using his one open eye: “Bloody hell ur right, it’s fast again!”. PM2: “we gotta get it fixed, it’s been wrong for 2 years now, how are we supposed to get enough company rest?”. PM1 yawns: “I keep leaving messages on the engineers bulletin board about it, I expected a reply by now!”. PM2: “U know wot hardware’s like, a lazy set of jobsworths to a man”. PM1: “yeah, they wuouldn't know proper work if it landed on their heads”. After a prolonged moan, PM1 says: “suppose I better check my inbox, u never know…”. As he quickly skims over the unread month old emails, each containing subject titles such as: “Im Angry”, “Please Reply”, “Important” and “Bug Found”, he finds one from the Engineers Titled: “Clock Problem”. A double click later he reads the reply: “Please address all individual queries direct to our support desk…”.Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – U Shocked Me“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you do that” says NewBee after the cards go over once again. To set the scene, Its an un-raised pot, the flop is 3 6 7 and 2-suited, giving OldLag 4 to a flush, an inside str8 draw, and an overcard with his Q4 clubs. He bet the flop on a semi-bluff from the big blind, and NewBee Went All-In over the top. After a bit of deliberation OldLag reckons he’s up against a pair, but has a lot of outs. If he loses, he’s still well in the game, plus he’s getting 3/1 on his money. OldLag: “I Call, watcha got?”. NewBee flips his 5 8 over, giving him an open ended str8 draw only. OldLag Enquires: “What do you mean by ‘first time ever’ m8?”. NewBee: “You keep saying you like to get your chips in with the best hand”. A relieved OldLag retorts: “I Just Have m8, Queen high’s winning….”. NewBee: “No... that’s not what I meant, you usually have top pair at least…”. OldLag: “So all this time you’ve been calling my All-Ins and raises, you usually expected me to have a better hand than u?”. NewBee: “Errr.. Normally u have a good hand, yeah”. OldLag: “Do you realise what u just said?”. NewBee, now beginning to feel his argument crumbling says: “Never Mind, Forget It, deal the cards”. The Jack of clubs falls on the turn To OldLag’s delight, giving him the nut flush. NewBee: “You’ve really shocked me tonight m8, I might have to re-think my strategy against u…”Go To Page Top |
TheGrudge – miracleAt long last TheGrudge emerges from his 3rd lifetime chat ban, he’s been warned by the PM’s that ‘They mean it this time’, and another breach will result in him serving yet another lengthy 3 month sentence. The PM’s are anxious, because badjokes.com are currently running a ‘Religeon’ promo, aimed at getting more clergy gambling online, and they don’t want him to queer the pitch. As the freeroll starts, TheGrudge looks at the various alias’s: “Pastor_69, HolyGrail007, BobRuncie1, what kind of fking muppets are these?” he thinks, “There gunna need divine intervention by the time I finish with ‘em”. The game gets underway, and TheGrudge calls in mid-position with a pair of 6’s, hitting a set of the flop. It’s checked to him, and he bets out, getting called by Vatican1, with all others folding. The turn is no apparent help, so he fires another shot, getting smooth called yet again. “Easy money” he thinks when the river pairs the board, giving him a full boat, so he quickly puts his last remaining chips into the middle. After a long wait, Vatican1 calls, but hang-on…., there’s no immediate showdown, instead a 6th, then a 7th community card falls, giving his papal opponent a bigger house. “WTF is this?, whats going on?” he types, “You robbed me u god botherering muppet”. After a short pause Vatican1 replies: “Veni Vidi Vici, kiss my ring plop boy”. As a distraught grudge starts dialling customer services for an explanation, he watches the chat on the table. actionjohn: “Watch ur step ur holiness, didn’t u read my biography?, I perform the miracles, but I gotta say turning fishes into bread is a nice twist…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – TipsterIt’s almost the time of the big race meeting, and in a flash of inspiration Bert has hit upon an idea of how to prise more cash from the fingers of the poker Junkies. He reasons: “Poker is gambling, racing is gambling, why not combine the two?”, so books a quick chat with badjokes.com financial guru Bazza ‘In Cash We Trust‘ Earn, to formulate a plan. Bert: “So if I read ya right Bazza, we get someone who reckons he’s in the know putting Tips on the forum to stimulate interest in our races”. Bazza: “Yeah m8, get him to stick a few pins in the form guide, and when all his ‘selections’ lose, we might make some dollars on the nags no-one else’ll touch”. Bazza grins: “It’s gotta be someone who don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground tho, and don’t forget, he’s gunna need skin like a rhino after this…”. Bert slaps his forehead: “I got just the man m8, SadMarty would fit the bill perfect, he’s always posting his madcap ideas anyway”. Bazza: “How much will he want?”. Bert starts laughing: Nothing!! - He keeps asking me how he can be of service, I’ll tell him this is his chance”. Bert lifts his mobile: “I’ll give him a bell straight away”. Flicking through his contacts, he looks under ‘P’ for patsy, and starts dialling, but unfortunatley connects with an answer machine: “Hi, Its SadMarty Here, livin’ breathin’, walkin’, talkin’ poker god and horse racingTipster, if you wanna leave me a message, try the badjokes.com forum”. Bert turns to Bazza giving him the thumbs up: “Good News m8, He’s started already……”Go To Page Top |
ScandiRays – FreerollThere's only one thing on ScandiRays mind as he shovels the snow from his driveway in Allinkoping, carefully parking up his Volvo for the night: “Why can’t all tournys be freeroll’s” he wonders, “I’d be the happiest man alive”. There's just time to eat his smorgasbord while catching his favourite skin-flick, ‘Viking Gang-Band XXXIV’, which is sandwiched between the cartoons and early evening news. “I’ll have to give the sauna a miss tonight” he thinks, as the lights dip. He always knows when it’s nearly time to play, coz the extra demand on the power grid usually overloads the system when the rest of the town switch on their PC’s. He’s been considering a slight change in strategy all-day, and is still undecided: “Maybe sticking to basics and having a go first-hand is better after all” he muses, “If I leave it to the second hand, that’ll put me on a below average stack, and I don’t want to risk giving a chip advantage”. As the tourny starts, he quickly checks the locations of the other players at his table, and is surprised to find that there are 2 Brits seated. “Ahh Crap” he thinks, “I aint gunna get any calls them, that’s 3k I’m down already….”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag – Luck“If u wanna catch a fish, u gotta go to the river m8” smirks NewBee, after imparting yet another horrendous 5th street outdraw. OldLag replies curtly: “Your the poker equivalent of Gregory Peck, fking optimistic I’ll say that for u”. NewBee starts laughing: “Wasn’t he Capt. Ahab in Moby dick?, I thought he hooked his whale”. OldLag: “Yeah he did, but be warned m8, the whale took him down in the end”. OldLag’s losing it, and has started to get agitated, he’s wound up tighter than a grandfather clock, coz it seems like every game he suffers big-time in a crucial pot like this. OldLag states: “If luck ever evens itself out your screwed m8”. NewBee needs no thinking time to give his well practiced stock response: “We all get lucky from time to time, it’s part of the game”, adding: “Anyway, wot about YOUR luck?, I didn’t c u complaining when you flopped top pair, you were only too happy to get ur chips in then!!”. OldLag: “I just can’t believe you called my bets all the way with bottom peg, it’s like u knew what was coming”. NewBee: “You gotta take chances m8, like I told u, sometimes you hit a card, sometimes u don’t”. OldLag: “20/1 is more than a chance, it’s a fking miracle the way you keep doing it”. NewBee: “Well the way I see it, is YOU got lucky on the flop, and I got lucky on the river, I can’t see your Problem m8, Like they say, luck evens itself out…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Investment From PuntersTo evaluate their ‘investment from punters’ philosophy, the badjokes.com team are having a meeting with financial impresario Bazza ‘Money Talks’ Earn, to discuss the success of the plan. The dough has really started to roll in this year, with a record number of new accounts, which has led to a larger profit share, more corporate days out, and freebies for all, In fact the stockpile of free merchandise is so large, they have to resort to giving them away to rival poker sites, coz there ain’t much space left in the shoebox they call an office, and it’s hiding all the phones, PC’s, and customer care buttons. When Bert announces a net profit of one Billion pounds sterling, there’s more backslapping and congratulations than an arse lickers convention, and each pokermanager has a broad grin on his face as Bert opens the meeting: “Well done every1” he says, peering over the top of a pile of ‘Rounders’ DVD’s, “we hit our targets this year, but that’s no reason to get complacent, Bazza has some ideas how we can make even more money next year - I’ll let him tell you in person!”. Bazza needs assistance to help him stand on top of the thousands of sleeve’s of branded poker chips, mainly due to the weight of his wallet affecting his balance, but he eventually manages it, then speaks. Bazza: “Now that we’ve sucked in loads of new low limit players, we can squeeze even more dollars off ‘em by charging 50% rake on the small buy-in STT’s. Most of ‘em won’t have tried other poker sites yet, and have no idea its high, they’ll think its normal”. Bert interjects adding: “by the time word gets around and they do drift away, we’ll have made a killing, and by then there’s always more addicts to take there place…”. Bazza: “You said it Bert, BTW can I ‘borrow’ these chips for a new tourney I’m promoting?”. Bert laughs, waving the back of his hand towards the numerous boxes. Bert: “Course u can m8, take as many as u want, your ideas paid for ‘em in the first place”. Bazza clicks his fingers, and within seconds several henchmen walk in, immediatley removing the goodies. Bert turns round then addresses the meeting, and in his most serious tone says: “If u all Take Notice and learn from this man guys, you’ll go a long way in the poker business….”Go To Page Top |
TheGrudge – private tableTheGrudge has applied to the badjokes.com pokermanagers to see if he can have a private table named after him, playable only by those who have, or are currently serving a chat ban. He doesn’t expect a reply, but the PM’s decide to allow it, on the basis that it’s a chance to rehabilitate those offenders who ‘promise to be good this time guv, honest!’. The PM’s are willing to give ‘time off’ a sentence for anyone who behaves, and after all, if they’re all sat on the same table, who’s gunna complain or get upset?. As a precaution, the PM’s have given the table a triple ‘X’ rating, also posting a warning on the forum, asking people not to watch if they’re easily offended. Its nearly game time, and all the big hitters are there, including drawski1, KinkyWrap, and Irate_001. This game has also broken the record for the largest number of observers ever, coz most of the 5,000+ folk watching have been insulted by at least one of the entrants at some time or other, and this is a chance for revenge. The PM’s have permitted ‘Goading by railbirds’, to give the players a taste of what it’s like from the other side, and with 10 mins until ‘kick-off’, the badwill messages are already coming in thick and fast, but these guys are seasoned profesional abusers, so take scrupulous notes on some of the more colourful sexual suggestions for future use. As the game begins, TheGrudge opens up his campaign with a general comment about self-eroticism, loosely aimed at anyone who will listen, but Kinkys having none of this soft play, and immidiatley re-raises with an insult directly targeted towards TheGrudge, moving all-in with accusations about illegal oral love-making to donkeys, which easily takes the first pot. Irate_001 and drawski1 both quickly realise that they’re out of there depth, and instinctively know there gunna have to take a passive role, hoping to scoop a pot if they sense weakness, but all they can do at the moment is learn from the masters. Within minutes, tempers are really boiling, and theres a multi-way showdown, with KinkyWrap bulldozing them all using his vast experience of abuse. TheGrudge isn't impressed to finish 2nd in his favourite ‘Tourny’, but still types the best congratulations he can muster: “WD u fking lucky moron, u out-swore me again….”Go To Page Top |
Scaley the agony aunt – bad runIt’s Monday morning 10.30am, as Scaley parks his sponsored Reliant Robin in the office car park. He’s a bit jaded after playing 8 x 100k tourneys simultaneously on different sites last night, and he dreads Monday’s the most, coz he knows his inbox will be full of the week-end’s usual moans about bad beats, outdraws, and other P1ss piddly little problems sent to him by the internet poker community. “they all seem to be looking for either ‘the Secret’, or just to let off steam” he thinks, as he cheerfully deletes 50 messages from ‘thebodger’ unread. He’s got into the habit of cutting and pasting standard replies to most of them (an idea he got from the badjokes.com pokermanagers), but the one he’s currently reading doesn’t fit neatly into any specific mailshot, so knows he must answer it the old fashioned way. “Dear Scaley, I’ve been playing poker for some years now, and just can’t seem to win enough. I’ve won ‘who’s yer Daddy’, the 50k, the ‘Sunday Brunch’ and a load of other MTT’s, but can’t seem to make any real headway in the game. I’m only pulling in 10k per week and don’t think it’s enough, so please advise where I’m going wrong”. It’s a tuff one this, coz Scaley knows exactly what this poor chap’s going through, and how frustrating it can be when your on bad run, so feels he needs to tread carefully to avoid hurting this guy’s feelings. Scaley: “Dear PinkLloyd, I think that most recreational players such as yourself would be content with winning this sort of dosh, but as much as you want to win everything, it’s impossible. I feel it’s just a confidence issue, so suggest a break for a month or two, then build yourself back up gradually, starting again on the play tables, freerolls and cheap $1 multis. Hopefully you will come back refreshed, hit some form, and put all the bad chit behind u”. As the email wings its way into cyber space ‘Our Trisha’ (as he’s commonly known) smiles as he rolls a celebratory tab, thinking: “That’s one addict less to worry about for a while…..”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – house playerAfter years of denying they use ‘Robots, Shills (whatever they are), or house players, the Badjokes.com team decide to legally employ a resident ‘Online Pro’ and after looking down his shortlist of one, Bert lifts the hotline to his buddy: “Hiya Reds, how’s the company crib we gave ya’, I hope the caribbeans not too hot this time of year” he jokes. Reds: “It’s fine m8, but I’m not too happy ‘bout the size of the pool or sauna, although the servants, snooker table and Lear jet are excellent”. Bert: “I’ll sort it out soon m8, now I got a proposition for ya, are u interested in coming aboard full-time’?, theres a lot more perks and the conditions are gr8, it also means we don’t have to pretend any more”. Reds: “Waddya mean, I like things as they are, who’s to know?”. Bert: “Some of the junkies are getting suspicious coz u and ur dad always get more freebies than anyone else, take the cruise and corporate days out for instance, it’s starting to look a bit dubious when u both keep scooping the cash as well”. Reds doesn’t like change (or work for that matter) so answers curtly: “Nah m8, ur wrong, they think we’re top players, and your gamblers expect it now, I even fooled logicman on that best-foot.com web-site he runs, even he thinks I’m a pro now as well”. Bert sniggers: “Take it from me m8, we gotta be careful, remember the saying about fooling some of the people some of the time, we gotta cover our ass’s”. Reds sighs: “Ok m8, what u got in mind….”. Bert: “nothing too taxing, just a few photo’s and an odd article to start, and we mite even book u a spot on ‘Dickhead and Judy’ l8r”. Reds: “Cool, Wots the pay?”. Bert: “Errrr…. Errrr….”, Reds: “Go On m8, don’t be shy”, Bert has to think quickly. Bert: “I’ll have to get back to ya on that, I think my phones gunna disconnect any second…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – Abuse TariffTo clarify the situation on ‘chat bans’, the PM’s are discussing the introduction of a ‘tariff’ of what to expect if you’re reported for abuse or ‘un-gentlemanly conduct’. “I think 3 weeks for using native scandanavian is a bit much m8” queries PM14, adding: “that puts it on a par with a minor slagging off, 95% of the junkies won't like that”. PM1: “There just gunna have to m8, once we publish this list that’s it!, we can’t go back on another policy again, we’ll look a right set of numptys”. Bert interjects “Yeah lads, just look at what happened all the times before, so lets get it perfect this time”. PM14: “ur right m8, credibility could be an issue here, but lets review the final guidelines once more before lunch”.
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Wurly_69 - Fairytale“Can u tell me a fairy story dad” yawns Wurly_69’s nipper as he tucks her into bed, eagerly adding: “Can I have one about a monster?”. It’s mid-event, so he has to be quick. Wurly_69: “Course I can luv, do u want one about a nasty scandi troll and an unlucky poker player?”. The kid sits bolt upright: “No, not those one’s, there too rude, and they always have the same ending, can u tell me another?”. Wurly_69 is flummoxed: “Errr… I don’t know many others luv, but I’ll try if u want”. The kiddy lays back in bed: “do u promise not to swear?”. Wurly: “lol, yeah, anyway, there was once this muppet...” Kid: “Heard It, another plz..”. Wurly: “ohh, ok. Once upon a time in Allinkoping..” Kid: “Heard that too..”. Wurly sighs: “Crapola, Ok, in a town far far away named Stockholm, There was this lucky bstard...” Kid: “DAD, u told me that as well…”. By now Wurly’s ‘On the edge of tilt’, coz he’s getting blinded out of the tourny fast, but is eager not to fail as a father too: “Ok luv, last try”. Wurly takes a deep breath: “There once was a poor man called Wurly, who was invited to Ceasars palace to play with king Smellmuff and all his friends, they wanted him there, coz he was the best and nicest poker player ever. They were all looking forward to it, but the king quicky changed his mind, when he realised that Wurly wasn’t the nice guy everyone thought he was, coz Wurly skinned him alive, stole his crown, and walked off will all his money, and then..” The Kid interrupts: “Aww dad, that’s fking ridiculous, at least put a bit or realism in it….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - SyndicateIt’s 3am, and a meeting is brewing in the marina car park. A driver flashes his car headlights as he circles the perimeter once, before joining a shadowy figure smoking cuban cigars in the middle. The guy waiting is the top Banana, the boss of all bosses, and he’s not a guy to be trifled with. “Greetings Don Bazza”, says Reds, respectfully kissing his diamond encrusted hand. Bazza immediately puts a finger to his lips, while Bert nods at the pokermanager bodyguards to begin the frisking. The PM’s are looking for concealed microphones and weapons, but instead only find familiar reciepts for freebies and compliments slips. Only after both Bazza and his top henchman Bert have been satisfied that Reds is on the level, is he allowed to speak: “My Syndicate need u to arrange an ‘accident’ in the Badjokes.com accounts department, we need u to make some company money disappear fast and permanently”. BazzaE nods knowingly: “How much is it this time?”. Reds: “We just need enough for a land based tourney plus expenses, a few thousand should do it”. Bazza considers the request for what seems like an age before giving his reply: “U know my usual terms son, 50% of all profits or it’s goodnight Vienna”. Reds try’s to make a joke: “It’s in Barcelona m8, not Vienna lol, that’s later on!”, but Bazza never jokes where a potential bungs concerned. BazzaE: “Let me make myself quite clear, you play with the fishes all day, if u don’t deliver this time, u’ll be sleeping with ‘em as well m8”. Reds starts shaking: “Pleeeeze Don Bazza, I beseech ya, don’t make me work the .10c/.20c fixed limit tables all night as well…”. Bazza laughs scornfully: “U know what u gotta do then!”. Reds: “Yeah, i better make the rest of the syndicate an offer they can’t refuse…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers – New SyndicateIt's 2pm in the afternoon when unofficial Badjokes.com pro ‘Reds’ rises from his pit after anuther unsuccessful nite grafting on the micro limit tables. “I gotta find an easier way to make a living” he muses, as he cracks the top off his first bottle of the day, I better give my m8 a bell to see wot he thinks. After a quick press of the speed-dial, he’s talking to the one and only Bazza ‘Money up-front’ Earn, a dubious underworld character, who no matter what the occasion can sniff out dollars quicker than a police dog can smell drugs. Reds: “Hi m8, I’m skint again, I just can’t make any wonga outta this poker racket, and ideas?. Bazza: “U’ve got a lot to learn son, the real money aint in actually playing poker, its taking cash from those that do, u gotta make sure that whatever the result, ur always a winner”. Reds looks blank: “How can I do that then m8?, no-ones gunna give me any money lol”. Bazza: “Wot about taking ur syndicate one step further, run some bigger tourneys then take a percentage in ‘admin’ costs plus a percentage of any winnings shud they get lucky, that’s my philosopy m8, and it’s never let me down yet, and im sure Bert will throw in your own personal pokermanager to run it for u”. Reds: “U truly are the master m8, but won’t I need a catchy slogan to draw em in”. Bazza: “Course u do son, something like ‘“poker riches for me are just a syndicate away” should do it…”Go To Page Top |
The Herring – That’s naughty m8“I’m Just off out to play mum”, shouts young Herring, as he grabs a big wedge of $100 Bills from the kitchen table, “I’ll be back in a couple of days”. MrsHerring is feeling a tad more comfortable these days about letting her ‘little Cherub’ go out on his own, coz he growing up fast. “Remember, Don’t play with any strangers”, she shouts as he’s skipping towards the door “I don’t want u coming home in a securicor van again, those guards looked at me Right funny when I asked ‘em to stack the wonga in the garden shed”. TheHerring chuckles: “It’s ok mum, I’m just going round to pokergirly’s house, he’s got some new moves to teach me”. A few minutes l8r, little Herring lets himself into his chum’s mansion, to find him engrossed in a book: “What’s that ur reading m8” he chirps. Pokergirly: “It’s called ‘Advanced Coffeehousing’, it’s the best read since Mike Cairo’s book of poker lies”. An Exited Herring says: “Oooooh, can I borrow it when you’ve done”. Pokergirly snaps back: “No, its not for kids, it’s an adult book, your dad would kill me”. TheHerring: “Well ur a kid, and you’ve got a copy, go on, can I have a butchers”. Pokergirly gives a sigh: “Well, I need to finish it first, I’ve only got as far as the ‘force-fold using Intimidation’ technique”. TheHerring: “That sounds really naughty m8, is it legal?”. Pokergirly: “Oh yeah, course it is, but u gotta be careful though, you gotta prefix everything with ‘If’”. TheHerring doesn’t understand: “Like what m8?” he quizzes. Pokergirly: “Well u can’t just say ‘I have AK, I’ll go All-In if u make a move on my blind, you gotta add the words ‘If’ to the start, but I aint quite mastered it yet”. TheHerring thinks for a moment: “Won’t that ruin ur reputation, won’t peeps think ur trying to cheat ‘em”. Pokergirly starts tutting: “Who cares, lol, when u grow up u’ll realise nothing matters but the money….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Loyal Customers“Whatever happened to the land based free trnys we was gunna give to the loyal addics m8?” enquires PM1. “lol – u really don’t know?” sniggers Bert as he lifts his head outta the racing post: “I diverted the cash to buy a nag for my m8 jezza nosedive, it’s gotta be more fun all round methinks”. PM1 laffs: “Not if ur a poker player who aint intrested in horses m8”. Bert appears indifferent: “I didn’t know anyone actually read or understood any of that bollox we write in the News section, ur not telling me sum1’s complaining coz it aint ‘free enough’ again are ya?”. PM1: “I glanced at the forum this morning m8, and saw the words ‘Racehorse Fiasco’, so guessed sum1 mustv”. Bert: “Wot did it say?”. PM1: “Dunno m8, cudnt be arsed to read it, just assumed u’d been caught with ur pants down again”. Bert: “lol – its my site and I can do wtf I want, when WILL those junkies get the message m8?” PM1 thinks awhile: “Probably at the end of the year after we run the ‘Glue factory’ freeroll m8, at least there gunna get some return…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Initiative“We’re getting a load of complaints from the addicts again about bad beats”, moans PM2 after another marathon session answering emails from irate players, “there must be summat we can do, I mean I was so busy, my coffee went cold this afternoon”. PM2 laffs, “didn’t u use the canteen microwave to warm it up”, PM2: “Yeah, just after I reset the RNG like u told me to, I didn’t even know where it was, so had to go hunting round flicking all the switches one by one”. PM1: “Did u find it?”. PM2: “Think so, I reckoned it must’ve been the one next to the plug marked ‘Server’, was I right?”. PM1: “Crumbs…. I shudv told ya, I stuck the label on the wrong one and forgot to change it”. PM2 has a broad grin on his face: “Well u’ll be pleased to know I used my initiative for once, and flicked em both just to be sure”. PM1: “Phew, thanks m8, u cudv got me into a heap of chit, u’ve certainly got my nomination for employee of the month….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Thats a nice shirt !“That’s a Nice shirt”, says PM14, as PM3 is admiring herself in the mirror, PM14: “mmmm paisley pattern on cheesecloth, with stripes and polka dots too, it really suits ya m8”, adding “Yeah, it’s also got that ‘racing car driver’ feel, wot with all those logo’s and advertising, I’m well impressed, where did u say u bought it again?”. PM3 taps her nose and proudly announces: “I didn’t pay full whack for it m8, I got it from Bazza’s m8, that ‘Reds’ guy, he’s trying to get a new clothing business off the ground and offered to cut his usual comission if I wear it every day”. PM14 starts howling: “Well he’ll certainly get sum publicity with that, I aint seen letters that big since Wham’s heyday”. PM3: “Yeah, it’s good innit, Reds’s reckons they’ll sell like hotcakes and be all the rage on the cruise, BTW have u seen the back?, its got my name on and everything”. PM14: “Nice One, but I’m not too sure about ur slogan”. PM3: “whats wrong with ‘some people work for a living, but I’m a pokermanager’”. PM14: “Nowt m8, but don’t let Bert catcha wearing it, that’s all…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Write-off“What freebie’s have we got coming up?” enquires PM2 as he looks at the office calendar, “im a bit bored ATM m8, the WSOP’s finished, and its ages till the cruise”. PM1: “yeah, I know what ya mean, ROYTHEPLOY was asking the self-same thing t’other day, I said he could go to Portugal, but he doesn’t play golf, I think he wants a game of poker and was angling for a free buy-in somewhere, he told me that if we don’t fix him up soon, he’ll stop writing his reports for us”. PM2 narrows his eyes: “What reports are those m8?, I can’t remember any, I didn’t think he could even write, I just thought he was there to give us some ‘credibility’”. A deathly silence falls in the office, until one by one the laughing becomes contagious. As tears stream down his face, PM1 manages a spluttered: “u crack me up m8, I gotta tell Bert that one!”. “Tell Bert what?” says the boss as he enters the room, u aint broken the router again have u?”. PM1: “no m8, it aint been fixed from the last time, RTP is’nt happy that’s all, coz he aint had his snout in the trough this week and he’s getting jittery”. Bert sighs: “I wish u boys wud keep me informed, we got some dollars to write-off against tax, and were having a party at the Hilton next week, Bazza suggested we get some addicts down to make it look like company business, just ask RTP to pop along, a free p1ss-up shud keep him happy…”Go To Page Top |
Wurly_69 - Why's daddy crying again?“Why’s daddy crying again mummy?” whispers Wurly’s young kid, “I heard him scream something about a robbing scandi muther-fcker. - Is granny ok?”. MrsWurly shivers: “Errr…. Yes, course she is, it’s just daddy’s way of unwinding after work”, adding, “it’s his hobby dear!”. The innocent youngster thinks awhile: “So, when he shouts ‘I wish I could die’ he’s doing it for fun?”. MrsWurly knew the time would come when she has to answer difficult questions from her child, but is un-prepared, so wings it the best she can: MrsWurly: “Errr…, Course he’s having fun luvvie, he wouldn’t be doing it otherwise, now, would he?”. This doesn’t sit well with the toddler who queries: “When I'm having fun mummy, I laff, I don’t ask God to put me out of my misery, or promise my soul to Lucifer, I don’t understand!”. MrsWurly doesn’t know what the heck to say, so gives a standard parental response: “Go Ask Yer Dad, he can tell u better than me, he won’t mid ya disturbing him mid-scream, honest”. MrsWurly then shouts up the stairs “The Kid’s coming to bring ya some luck Wurly”. The young ‘un winds her way up the stairs, entering dad’s special padded room, and sit’s attentively at the PC, listening and talking while he’s engrossed in suffering the most outrageous beats. After the usual 4 hours pain, MrsWurly calls them both for tea: “Did u and daddy enjoy urselves?”, she laughs, while dishing out the beans on toast. The Kid takes a deep breath as she squeezes her pa’s hand: “Well, He was doing fking gr8 until some tosser busted his Hilton sisters with rags, even I was crying mummy!”, adding reflectively “I hope im not gunna be just like him when I grow up….”Go To Page Top |
TheGrudge - botn order to give himself an edge, TheGrudge has been surfing the net looking for a suitable Poker ‘Bot’. He doesn’t only need the software to improve his chances, but requires an integrated chat facility to automate standard responses when he loses a pot. This he reckons will save time, and allow him to play more tables at once, so he can utilise his ‘skills’ to better effect. “Scandibot 1.0 Beta, mmm this looks just the ticket” he thinks, as he piles more debt on the credit card, “Only $299 dollars, It’s a bargain, it’ll pay for itself in days!!”. He quickly checks the settings, and finds the default chat options, overriding standard responses such as: “GL everyone” with “fcuk u all”, and “WP” with: “I’ll play ya HU for 10x ur usual stake, u lucky bstard”. This edition only allows a maximum of 5 standard responses, but it’s more than adequate for his needs. His first game of the day is a WSOP qualifier on an American site, so he exitedly clicks it into action, and watches the first hand. The Bot calls an UTG raise with 8 2 suited, and on a flop of AKK puts the rest of his chips In, eventually losing to a flopped house. “Fking yankee slimeball” the Bot types, quickly adding the standard HU challenge, but Instead of getting upset coz the Bot has lost his dollars on such a crap play, TheGrudge leans back smiling: “Ahhhh it’s learning fast, just like the advert said….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - cull"I saw a gr8 program on sky last nite boss” says PM1 , “It was all about culling animals for the betterment of the species as a whole, and it gave me sum gr8 ideas on how to improve the community spirit here on badjokes.com”. Bert rubs his chin: “u aint gunna waste my time with anuther madcap idea involving hitmen and poison umbrellas again are ya?”. PM1: “No m8, and it don’t involve bludgeoning to death with clubs this time either” he beams. Bert: “I better not hear the words axe, anthrax or housefire m8, coz im sick of reading that stuff in the suggestion box, I hope ur going to be more legal and creative”. PM1: “course m8, I just reckon a zero tolerance policy against criticizm and rude words wud work, I mean it didn’t do Hitler any harm did it?”. Bert shakes his head: “Fcuk me m8, the nazis lost, and if we did that there wudn’t be anyone left at all, We wanna get rid of the chaff not the whole goddam site, I mean now we’ve sold our B+B’s to those yanks, its all we got left!”. PM1 thinks for a while: “Can’t I just ban a few to test the water? I think cutting ‘em off mid tourny should send out a message were serious, and I’d like to start with that ‘rivhim’ guy, coz he really gets on my tits”. Bert: “Wot if he wants his money back and complains on the forum?”. PM1: “Errr, I spose we’ll have to ban him from that as well sooner or later, but one step at a time eh!”. Bert: “Ok m8, I’ll leave it in ur capable hands, just send me an email me when things start improving…”Go To Page Top |
DoleBhoy - Signing OnIt’s 2.47pm and DoleBhoy is just awaking. A quick scratch of the balls, a quick reefer, and he’s back online again, refreshing his thirst with a can of McEwan’s export. “Bollox” he thinks, as he remembers today is signing-on day, “I better give ‘em a ring and tell ‘em I was looking for a job, or there’s no poker for me next week” he muses, as he dials the freefone number laughing. Brrr…Brrr… , Brrr…Brrr… “Hello, you have reached the DHSS hotline, Press 1 to increase ur bankroll, press 2 to dob in a m8, press 3…..”. DoleBhoy knows the drill by heart, and presses 1 before the automated response has time to finish. “Can I help u” says the young lady at the other end of the line. DoleBhoy: “Errr, yes, im sorry but I couldn’t make it to sign on today, coz I’ve been looking for a job, do I still get my dollars?”. There’s a pregnant pause before the girl answers, coz she recognises his voice: “Is that u again mr DoleBhoy?, I’m afraid not this time fella, our rules clearly stipulate that we can only stake you for 6 months before you have to show a profit, and according to our snoopers you’ve only been logged into badjokes.com for 7hrs per day on average, a clear breach of the rules”. DoleBhoy’s not happy: “It’s not fair, I’m trying my best Hen, honest!”. DHSSClone: “That’s what they all say, anyway we’ve got an interview lined up for you next Tuesday at Dusk Till Dawn Poker”. A stunned DoleBhoy can’t believe his ears: “I don’t wanna be a house player, or look after the bot’s”. DHSSClone: “It’s not a glamerous job I know, but if its good enuf for TheTodger its good enuf for you….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Cruise BudgetThe staff at badjokes grove had to think long and hard before deciding to sponsor another poker cruise event after the near financial disaster of the last one, & it was only the quick thinking of Bazza ‘puppetmaster’ Earn that suggested increasing rake to 20% which limited losses to an acceptable two million pounds, after all, they had a captive audience in the middle of an ocean, and if the addicts wanted to get there fix, it was pay top dollar or nowt. As the idea’s bandied about this time, the PM’s are deciding how much to charge. MGR-Dick: “It goes without saying we gotta forget about actually including a main event ticket again coz it worked so well last time, and I think we should even take the modular approach one step further”. MGR-Malcontent scratches his head: “I dunno wot ‘modular’ means m8, but im all ears”. MGR-Dick: “Instead of having an all-in price for the lot, we should separate it all out into different bits, that way the junkies only pay for what they want, my thoughts are a figure of around $5.5k again, give ‘em $1700 for ex’s, charge ‘em $2k per cabin, and give em the option to pay $1.8k for the privilege of using our tables. MGR-Malcontent: “Wow, sounds a lot to me m8, does that include wages n stuff for the dealers” MGR-Dick: “lmfao were u born yesterday m8, we aint in the charity business are we”. MGR-Malcontent: “Yeah but there’s gunna be other benefits of booking via badjokes as well right?”. MGR-Dick has to think about this for a full 10 seconds before giving his usual half cocked reply: “Tell ‘em we’ll give em free food and put a cpl shows on”. MGR-Malcontent: “Aint they getting those anyway”. MGR-Dick: “Now ur learning m8, we’ll make a pokermanager outta u yet….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - Mystery HorseAfter Successfully convincing everyone the value of ‘Badjokes Poker I’, was worthless in order to avoid paying legitimate shareholders their due, then mysteriously selling it for millions in the USA soon after, Bazza ‘Im Alright Jack’ Earn wonders if its too soon to pull the same stunt again while wounds are still raw, so asks for opinions from the new breed of hyper-lazy pokermanagers. Bazza: “Im thinking of getting Jezza Nosedive to stable anuther nag for the addicts, any opinions?”. As a deathly hush comes over the room, Bazza repeats his request, this time adding the bribe: “Theres a free ticket to watch Leyton Occident in it for ya”. While most of the newbie PM’s cant be assed to unplug their iPod’d or daren’t speak for fear of crossing Don Bazza, the one remaining PM from the halcyon days of Berts reign, MGR-Gazza, pipes up: “Wot about going one step further than last time, we sell shares in a horse that doesn’t even exist, and coz the uptakes gunna be real slow, by the time all the shares are gone so will we”, Gazza winks then laughingly adds: “Looking at the state of the poker site that aint gunna be long anyway”. Bazza retorts: “I like the idea of a phantom horse bud, no training costs and all that, but we can’t just have it away with cash again, even the thickest addicts gunna be suspicious”. MGR-Gazza: “Ok m8, wot about just delaying the ‘progress report’ like we did with the RNG Audit, eventually the poker drones just give up, forget about it, or move to anuther site”. Bazza: “That’s more like it, but how u gunna fend off any queries?” MGR-Gazza: “we can always shut down the forum to stop the mugs asking questions, but before we do we should blame that useless toerag Jezza, surely the addicts will understand we know FA about horses, after all were pokermangers aint we…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - Poker In Yer LocalThe lads are having a bevvy when NewBee pipes up: “have ya heard of that new ‘poker in yer local’ league they started, lotsa pubs have ‘em these days”. OldLag: “yeah, I heard about it, but I dunno if I wanna travel all over to play a freeroll against a loada muppets, sounds a rite bag of crap to me”. NewBee: “Well it mite be a laff, they even got one in the ‘stoat and ferret’ just up the road tonite, fancy giving it a whirl bud?”. After taking 15 mins convincing, and against his better judgement, OldLag finally agree’s to his m8’s request, so off they trot to register. OldLag: “So what’s ur alias then m8?” NewBee: “Only one contender m8, Its gotta be ‘The Hammer’ after my fav hand” OldLag: “lmao, course it is, that’ll scare ‘em, anyway there starting, so who’s the tourny director in case of any problems”. NewBee: “I think Jed behind the bar’s doing it, he told me he watched challenge last nite and sez it looks a piece of p1ss, that’s him, the guy dropping the cards on the floor over there, hope he picks ‘em all up lol”. Within 15 mins of the game starting its just like OldLag expected, if he’s heard ‘one time baby’, ‘im all-in’ and ‘if its got a name I’ll play it’ once he’s heard it a dozen times, but the real thing irritating him is that every hand someone's either betting outta turn, showing each other their cards, talking on their mobile or at the bar. One guy in particular must have the memory of a goldfish coz he keeps asking ‘how much are these chips worth’, before declaring ‘3 black ones’. OldLag gives a small shake of the head before looking at his hole cards and finding a nice AK sooted in the SB and decides to reraise, but aint surprised to see the GoldFish call without hesitation. The flop comes AQ7 rainbow so OldLag puts out a stinging bet for 1/2 the goldfish’s chips, slightly worried the nob has AQ but he’s hit his flop so is gunna play it. GoldFish says: “What do I have to put in” before making the expected call, and when the turn brings a K OldLag Moves In coz he’s pretty sure he’s in front, and its gunna be a relief to see the back of this pillock. GoldFish: “How Much is it again?.” to which OldLag replies dryly: “Most of Yer chips m8”. GoldFish takes no time before sliding all his chips in saying: “I mite as well, I’m next up at darts anyway” flipping over his 42 sooted, and although OldLag is totally gobsmacked notices that the turn gave him 4 to a flush which of course he hits on the river. As Goldfish stands up and starts walking away from the table one of the chav’s says: “Sit back down m8 u won !!!” and another adds “very well played m8, nice pot”. GoldFish chuckles: “hehe dunno how I did that, but at least u can get str8 on the dartboard if u fancy it m8….”Go To Page Top |
esse & ROY - U say it bestThe Year is 2007, and It’s the start of yet another televised poker show. Poker is now so mainstream, it’s replaced all other television programmes, even the cartoons and news, with shows such as ‘Pokermon’, ‘Have I got Chit for u’, ‘Play ur cards wrong’, and a new variaton of ‘surprise surprise’ hosted by Cilla Slag. Even Denis Boredom has a new ‘It’ll be alright on the river’ show, featuring hilarious outdraws and outrageous action boards, It’s the No.1 prime-time show in Scandanavia, and our 2 boys are doing the English voice-over. JessePayMeLoads Yawns: ‘It looks like another thrilling encounter then!’. ROYTHEPLOY: “Yeah Jesse, it’s always a pleasure to watch 2 masters of the outdraw clashing head-to-head, who’s yer money on?’. Jesse Laughs: ‘Theres only one man in it for me ROY, its gotta be MildPrick, IMHO, he’s just got too much experience for BoyBlunder’. ROY shakes his head: ‘get fcuked, u muppet, its gotta be Blunder, he’s been in training for years and as u yourself say many time’s Jesse, ‘practice makes perfect’. Jesse feels like ROY is once again trying to publicly get one over on him, so has to issue a humiliating verbal slap. Jesse: ‘hahahaha, practice didn’t do u any good tho m8 lol’. ROY manages the best ‘on-the-spot’ put-down he can: ‘Better a has-been than a never was, u gobsh1te’. Jesse starts humming and singing: ‘U say it best, when u say nothing at all…”. ROY: ‘fcuk off..’Go To Page Top |
The Grudge - It's WarIts 11am and TheGrudge is just rising from his pit after another unsuccessful night. “you must be looking forward to the big family party tonight?” enquires his Girlfriend Bird. TheGrudge: “cant make it im afraid Bird, this fking bastard had the bare faced cheek to reraise me all-in yesterday, I got a score to settle” Bird: “who was that then”. TheGrudge: “some fking newbie guy I never heard of, his alias is ‘Littlefish’, a right fking muppet”. Bird: “what were you playing?”, TheGrudge: “the 2pm $1 NLH, but that’s not the point”. Bird: “where did you finish?” TheGrudge: “131st”. Bird: “unlucky, what did he have?”. TheGrudge “A pair of Jacks, they stood up against my AQ” Bird: “Hes a newbie, he will learn”. TheGrudge: “muther fkers like him never do Bird… hang on there he is now playing the freeroll, table 237, I got no chat, so tell him Bird, tell him NOW”. Bird: “Ok grudge, what you want me to say?” TheGrudge: “The usual, tell him ill play him omaha hi-lo heads up for all his bankroll”. Bird: “Ok, you want me to call him a muppet, moron, or w4nker”. TheGrudge: “moron will do, but make sure u do it in a sinister way”. After the challenge has been laid down, ‘Littlefish’ types: “who’s TheGrudge, why are you insulting me, and whats omaha?”. Bird turns to TheGrudge and says “what shall I tell him now?”. TheGrudge: “Just tell him to fcuk off, ill leave him for later, theres that other bstard still in the 9.30am, u know, the one who outdrew me last week, tell him Bird, tell him….”Go To Page Top |
The Grudge - Little fish are’nt always sweetTheGrudge has finally left his PC. Bird: “you don’t look too good grudge”, his oppo says, adding “You’ve spent too much time and too much money playing internet poker, Ive never seen prison palour before, now I know what they mean” TheGrudge snarls: “fcuk off, u muppet, what would u know”. Bird: “I was just saying !!!”, TheGrudge: “Well don’t, Ive just taken a right hammering heads-up against that ‘Littlefish’ guy, u know the one you told to fcuk off for me last week” Bird: “I thought he was a muppet”. TheGrudge: “So did I, but it only turns out he’s the devilfish’s son, and im sure that lucky bstard was helping him”. Bird: “How much u lose?” TheGrudge: “Everything”. Bird: “So you wont be playing for a while then”. TheGrudge: “Theres Always the Play tables Bird, theres some right muppets on there”Go To Page Top |
The Grudge - Date“Smoooooth” says TheGrudge to himself as he looks in the mirror, “A Nice drop of brylcream and my best poker shades, Bird’s in for a real treat tonight”. Its 3am and hes arranged to meet her at the usual place, Stavros’s Kebab shop. As he arrives he senses somethings wrong. “What fking time do u call this” screams Bird: “Sry Bird, I was involved in an MTT, and almost made a final table”. “You Lying Get” she says, “You’ve never been in an MTT this long before, you’ve been stalking that Reds again”. “No..No.. your wrong” grudge squeals, “I was playing poker, honest…”. A disbelieving Bird says “Hmmm, anyway, watcha having?”, TheGrudge: “Errrrr, Kebab I think”, “Me Too” Says Bird. “So What we doing after the kebab, fancy coming back to my place to play some poker?”. TheGrudge: “What the fking else did u think we wuz gunna do u muppet”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - Casino“U fancy coming down to the casino next week?” enquires OldLag to his pal. NewBee: “Yeah, course, I always wanted to go, wots it like?”. OldLag: “I’ve been to the Lala, but never bothered to play poker there, they have a £5 rebuy every Wednesday”. NewBee: “Gr8, I can try out my new Greg Rhymer sunglasses, should give me an edge don’t u think?”. OldLag shakes his head and bursts out laughing: “Fking hell m8, u’ll look a right tosser, It’s not gunna be like a WSOP final table u know!”. NewBee looks indignant: “I thought u said ud never played before, how do u know?”. OldLag: “U got me m8 lol, I don’t for sure, but u won’t see many top pros wasting their time in that pit”. At game time, NewBee is sandwiched between an eccentric drunken p1ss-stained granny, and a rather rough looking ‘Estate Type’ yob with ‘Love’ and ‘Hate’ tatoo’s across his knuckles. OldLag hasn’t been so lucky, he’s on a table exclusivley full of chinese who have drifted away from the roulette. Old Ted the floor manager, is struggling to keep up with the rebuys, coz they’re gambling crazy, and are buying more chips than Harry Ramsden’s purchasing department, so after several rebuys himself, gives it up as a bad job coz theres over 100k in play on his table alone. It’s a bit different for NewBee, he’s taken a few chances (big chances actually), and they’ve paid off, he’s got loads of chips and is enjoying himself. NewBee: “I’m definatley a ‘Live’ player me m8” he boasts, as the yob looks over eyeballing him menacingly: “Yer a Fking lucky Bstard u mean” he snorts, as he dips into his Millets jacket for the remainder of his Dole money. “And WTF are those, u look like that arse Jack Aroma off the telly”. NewBee, oblivious to the hoolies rage laughs: “There my lucky shades m8”, adding glibly: “working so far, u shud get some…”. OldLag can sense his m8’s in mortal danger, coz the yobs gone from being ‘On the edge of tilt’ to total freefall, as he stands up shouting “Chips, Chips, give me some more fking chips Ted, im gunna get this lucky fker one way or another”. OldLag whispers in his m8’s ear: “Think I’m gunna get off m8, cya down the hospital tomorrow….”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - NO-COP seasonNewBee is considering moving up from playing freerolls to MTT’s for real money. He’s especially interested in the NO-COP promotion run by BadJokes.com, coz it offers mega prizes for such a small potential outlay. In his weekly £1 freezeout down the pub, he’s boasting to the rest of the lads that he’s now a ‘player’ and aiming for the $225,000 dollars first prize in the main event. OldLag is trying to keep a straight face as he listens to his m8’s diatribe, but after 10 mins of pure fantasy can’t contain himself any longer. OldLag: “U on crack cocaine or what m8?” he sniggers. NewBee: “No m8, I got a legitimate shot, we all have, u gotta be in it to win it I say, just look at that Chris Muppetmaker, he won millions in the WSOP after qualifiying via a sat, I Don’t see why I can’t do the same!”. OldLag: “True m8, but he had some proper experience beforehand, he didn’t just play freerolls and crapshoots with a load of artists down the local Boozer u Know!”. NewBee always has an answer: “If u get the cards and a bit of luck, anythings possible, I mean, give me one good reason why I can’t win?”. OldLag looks skywards shaking his head: “well m8, For One ur gunna be up against a load of pro’s, and two ur skint, so ur gunna have to win through a load of sat’s just to get a seat”. NewBee looks bemused: “That’s being negative m8, give me a proper reason…”. OldLag: “I didn’t wanna have to spell it out for ya, but chit at poker.” NewBee immediatley snarls back: “Well it don’t stop u from trying does it…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - mates roundNewBee has decided to run a home game, coz apart from the weekly crapshoot down the pub or on the net, he’s never played a proper game before, and is itching to get one going. NewBee: “I got a load m8’s from work who wanna play, there really keen, they’ve been watching late nite poker after the pub and everything”. OldLag: “Hahaha, don’t tell me m8, they’re all Gus wannabees”. NewBee: “U Betcha, Im expecting some real action, should be good”. OldLag shakes his head and thinks: “fricking hell, it’ll be like the first 5 mins of a freeroll all night, better play tight as a gnats chuff”. After 10 Mins, OldLag realises it’s just like he expected, so decides his best strategy against the newcomers, is to sit tight and wait for a decent hand, he reckons a bluff wont work coz they can’t get there chips in fast enough, and its gunna be multi-way most of the time. When there not going All-In, There splashing the pot, and its hard to tell the bet size, or where the action is, its pure pandemonium. Theres one player in particular who’s name OldLag Can’t remember, but he’s nicknamed him ‘PayAndPray’ coz This guy’s made more calls than an Avon lady, he’s totally incapable of passing, and neither can he hide any emotion. He’s paying everyone off, coz he always see’s the river no matter what he has, his mottos are “It’s a 7 card game” and “you never know what u mite have had if u fold”. OldLag is gasping for a piece of his freshly rebought stack, and Just 2 hands later, here it is, a pair of Kings, just the sort of ammo he needs. OldLag: “Raise 300”. PayAndPray: “Call...”. OldLag is happy to see a rainbow flop of 5 6 9 so fires off another large bet which is groaned over but still called. The turn brings 7, and the thought crosses OldLags mind that the calling station has an 8, but it doesn’t deter him from moving In, as he spies the obvious disappointment on his opponents face. After a minutes agonising he hears the words he wanted, and cant stop himself laughing when PayAndPray turns over Q2 suited, he’s drawing dead, but the jokes on OldLag when the river brings an 8 to split the pot. “I think that’s yours” says PayAndPrey as he pushes the chips towards OldLag, adding “Nice Pair”. OldLag who by now is struggling to hold all expletives known to man in, chokes: “It’s a split Pot m8, the board made a str8”. PayAndPray raises his eyebrows and says: “Are you sure it’s a split?, you gotta pair of kings with yours”, then 2 seconds later adds: “Ohh yeah, hahaha n1, I get it now….”. They divide the chips, and OldLag is even more riled coz he loses the un-splittable 25 chip left over from the small blind on a cut of the deck. All PayAndPray’s buddys are oblivious to whats happened, and are turning to him laughing and saying: “Well Played m8”, “Nice One”, while ruffling his hair, and slapping him on the back. At this point OldLag can’t stop himself spurting out: “How the fcuk can that be well played, it’s the worst poker I’ve ever seen?”. After a brief silence NewBee feels compelled to answer on behalf of his dumbfounded m8’s: “If he’d folded when you went AI, then he wudv lost everything he already bet, but he called you and got em all back, so he obviously made the right decision – U still don’t get it do you m8?, you gotta take chances in this game...”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - table talkIts getting down to money time, and our boys are head to head at the end of another marathon drinking cum poker spree. Things have pretty much balanced out during the session, they are chatty and in good spirits, in fact spirits is wot they’ve bin drinking all night. OldLag has made a huge Pre-Flop raise on NewBee’s Big Blind with a medium pair, which basically put’s them both All-In if he calls. Theres no instant snap decision from NewBee this time, coz it’s the last game of the evening, at double stakes, and he wants to win it bad. Undecidedly, he slurrs: “U Bllluffffin m8…”. OldLag slurrs back: “Miiiggght be…”. NewBee: “Watchaaaa gottt?”. OldLag: “Pay to ffffind out…”. NewBee pauses for a moment: “It’s a Tuff ‘un for me this...”. OldLag: “Tell Me Wot u got then, and I’ll tell ya if its worth calling lol”. NewBee: “Cant Say, I need time to think….”. OldLag: “u never did that before m8 hahahah”. A minute passes with no further banter, coz by the number of times NewBee’ picking up and putting down his cards he appears to be suffering from some sort of short-term memory loss. OldLag is pretty much doing the same, wishing his snowmen were Aces. OldLag Finally Breaks the silence: “You come to a decision yet m8?”. NewBee: “Well its like this m8, I got one good card, and one bad one”. NewBee: “hahahaha, u crack me up m8, some of us have got 2 good cards”. NewBee’s Thinks for a while longer, then says: “Bollox to it, Im All-In…..”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - lucky riverThe usual suspects are playing their weekly game, It’s just started, and OldLag has Raised From the Big Blind with Ace 9 suited and got his expected call from NewBee, who’s main goal playing poker seems to be winning a big hand against his m8, usually by an outdraw or a big bluff with sh1te. His main tactic is going All-In as soon as OldLag checks it to him and hoping for the best. The flop comes 949 rainbow and OldLag Can’t believe his eyes, hes got a monster. Think…. Think…., A bit of agonising, a bit of muttering under his breath, a scratch of the chin….. “Check…” He says. “Check…” says NewBee. “Bollox”, thinks OldLag. The Turn Brings an Ace, Lordy Lordy, a full boat, “Check” says OldLag, knowing his buddy is just itching to say those magic words. “Check” says NewBee, after a little think. OldLag hasn’t seen a hand like this for weeks, and it now looks like he’s not even gunna get a decent payoff. The Dealer peels off the river, Another Ace, sweet Jeezus, now I got the big full, Think… Think….. OldLag decides to bet the size of the small pot hoping for a call. “All-In” declares NewBee in a flash., “here it is, I knew he couldn’t resist” thinks OldLag, ”Watcha Got”. NewBee: “Queen 4”. OldLag flips over his hand showing a full boat of Aces over 9’s, to NewBee’s redundant pair of 4’s. “Lucky river” bemoans NewBee. An exasperated OldLag replys: “I hit trips on the flop, the under-full on the turn and the big full on the end, what do you mean by ‘Lucky River’?” NewBee: “Another Ace…” . OldLag: “But I didn’t need it, the hand was basically sewn up after the flop”, NewBee: “Just don’t tell me you never hit a river card again, that’s all im saying…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - bad beatNewBee doesn’t look as enthusiastic at the start of this weeks pub game as usual, and sensing something wrong, OldLag has a feeling its poker related. OldLag: “You made a final table yet m8?” NewBee: “Nearly, I keep getting really bad beats, I just can’t get anything going”. OldLag: “Happens to us all, whats your worst been?”. NewBee: “Well, I played one of those small suited thingys you keep talking about from the small blind, and I couldn’t believe it when I flopped a flush. Kerrrrchinnngg - I thought lets milk this one”. OldLag: “Go On…”. NewBee: “Im first to act so I just check it, and glory be, the next guy bets small, and 4 of the other 5 in the pot all call as well, the pots building nicely and I don’t wanna scare 'em off, so I just call.” OldLag: “Hmmm…., then what?”. NewBee: “The Turn was Rubbish and we all Checked, but when the Ace of diamonds fell On The River, after I checked, two players went all-in”. OldLag: “So You Folded, Right?” NewBee: “No I Went All-In as well, I reckoned they both must have an ace or 2 pair” OldLag: “Did You Read It Right?” NewBee: “No, that lucky sod in the big blind had the Jack of diamonds with a 3 of clubs, how bad is that?”. OldLag: “Just A Thought m8, Maybe If You’d have come out blazing on the flop you mite have driven em out - they got in too cheap”. NewBee: “Yeah, but then it would only have been a small pot”. OldLag: “errrrrrrr…….”, NewBee: “So Tell Me again, what does runner-runner mean?”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - first pay day“I Did It” beams NewBee after his first time in the money, “It Wasn’t much, just $2, I was 18th in the freeroll last night”. Genuinely pleased for his buddy OldLag says: “Well Played, it’s always hard in those muthers, coz they’re mentalists every one”. NewBee: “Yeah, I trebled up first hand with K 10 spades and never looked back”. OldLag “Nice One, You hit the flop big then?”. NewBee: “No m8 all-in preflop, they were all at it, so I thought id give it a whirl, managed to river 2 pairs, I was chip leader for a while, felt good”. OldLag: “LOL – so u slowed down a bit after that then?”. NewBee: “My arse I did, with all those chips I could afford a few extra gambles and my timing was perfect”. OldLag: “HaHaHa sounds like you hit a nice run of cards”. NewBee: “Not Half, I Busted QQ with JQ, 1010 with 89 AFTER he hit a set on the flop, then KK with A6, I couldn’t miss, I mustv played nearly every pot, I could tell they were scared of me coz I kept going all-in and they just folded like deckchairs”. Holding back the laughter, OldLag says: “Nice one, Any comments from players or the rail?” NewBee: “one guy called me a fking moron after I cracked his bullets with J 2 off, but I told him, legitimate call mate, legitimate call, mind u I suppose I was a bit lucky to make a flush with the 2 but hey, that’s poker, you know as well as I do, it’s any 2 cards”. OldLag: “So how did you go out then”. NewBee: “I went All-In with A 5 suited and run into AA – just my luck when I was doing so well and all…”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - outdrawn“Outdrawn again” sighs NewBee after losing a small pot with 55 in the hole, against a forced all-in by OldLag holding 10 7 hearts, “You Were Lucky There” he says. OldLag: “A wee bit, but it was basically a 50/50 coz I had 2 suited overcards”. NewBee: “Don’t ever say you don’t do it to me then!!”. OldLag: “It’s a bit different to when you bust me by sucking out that undercard after I had you out-kickered last game”. A quizzical NewBee says: “We all make outdraws, its part of the game”. OldLag: “Don’t you think that some are more outrageous than others then?”. NewBee: “Suppose sometimes, but as far as I'm concerned that’s one each”. OldLag: “Whatever, anyway action on you, 10 to call”. NewBee: “All-In”. OldLag: “Call”. The cards go over, NewBee shows KQ OldLag shows AQ. OldLag: “That’s a perfect example why outdrawing here is a lot different to an underpair against 2 overcards”. NewBee: “I can still get a King”, OldLag: “Yes but your a big dog”. NewBee: “I don’t mind being underdog, coz when you hit, your always happy, but when your already winning it can only get worse”. OldLag: “lol – I know what you mean, but it’s a chance im willing to take m8”. The flop is no help, the turn is an ace, no help again, only a king to dodge, but when NewBee peels the river card off, and stares at it for what seems like an eternity, OldLag knows the news aint good, and when he hears the words “Sorry m8” just before the king of clubs is placed face-up, he knows its an early bath. OldLag stays silent while the rest of the players look at him for a reaction, but NewBee speaks first “That’s 2-1 to me then, must be your turn next”. One of the other players pipes up “You didn’t say sorry when you did that to me last hand” NewBee: “Sorry but….”. OldLag interrupts: “If You say ‘That’s poker’ one more time….”Go To Page Top |
NewBee & OldLag - the RNGThe more online poker NewBee plays, the more discussions he has about the RNG. In their weekly game he says to OldLag “Theres something not quite right I think”. OldLag “Waddya mean?” NewBee: “Well it doesn’t seem random enough somehow, how do you think they do it?”. OldLag: “Its done by thermal noise I think – u know like ERNIE?”. NewBee: “Ur having a laff aint ya, WTF is thermal noise and who the hell is Ernie?”. Not wanting to be bothered explaining it all, OldLag decides to spin his dishcloth brained chum a yarn. OldLag: “He’s one of the poker managers, he decides who gets what cards”. NewBee: “Never. I don’t believe ya, how can just one guy pick the cards for all tables at the same time?”. OldLag: “He’s got help, he doesn’t do it all by himself, he’s just the boss”. NewBee: “So you think that all these players that moan all the time about bad beats might have a point after all?”. OldLag: “Course they have m8, no smoke without fire”. NewBee: “Bugger me, and I thought the programmers did it, that can’t be fair, surely?”. OldLag Laughs: “Who said poker was fair U muppet….”.Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - planet of the barbary apesAfter reading yet another email suggesting that ‘A trained monkey’ could do his job better, PM2 feels he needs to talk to the rest of the team about it, but decides to wait until the current program ‘Literacy for adults’ ends. Dipping his hand into the biscuit barrel he asks: “Do you think apes will rule the world in 1000 years time m8?, I just wondered, coz I once saw a program with Charlton Heston, and he reckons they’ll be our masters in the future”. PM1 looks astonished as he grabs the remote, pressing the ‘Mute’ button and saying seriously: “U better keep this to urself m8, but Bert’s got one on trial at the moment, so whatever u do, dont repeat it outside these walls, we don’t wanna give any trade secrets away now, do we?”. PM2: “Wow, so what’s it’s name then?”. PM1: “He’s using the general ‘PokerMGR’ alias At the moment, we want to see if people can tell any difference to a human PM before we hire him full-time”. PM2: “So, when did he start then?”. PM1: “’Bout 3 months ago, it’s costing a fortune in bananas, but he seems to press most of the buttons in the right order, he just gets a little upset when he has to do Quad duty”. PM2: “lol - so that’s what all the banging was about last nite…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - new marketsThe badjokes.com Pokermanagers are still on the lookout for ways to hook new sectors into online gambling. They still need to attract more visitors to their site, so are having a chat while they slap on the factor 15. PM1: “We’ve done horses, Danish Championships, football, snooker, charity, universities, everything….”, he moans, “Can’t be much left to try”. PM2: “I had an idea while watching ‘Trisha’ this morning” he says seriously, “what about a ‘Chav freeroll’ sponsored by Burberry and Kappa, with 1st place winning a nice new shell-suit, and the runners-up getting a tartan baseball cap”. PM1: “Plausible, but I thought the Chav’s didn’t have much cash?”. PM2: “No they don’t, but we can set up attachments to their dole, and accept state milk vouchers as buy-in’s for the lower limit tables”. PM3: “U mean instead of exchanging ‘em for cigs and booze down the corner shop?”. PM2: “Yeah, exactly”. PM1: “Sounds Sick m8, we’ve pulled a few strokes in our time, but honestly, who’s gunna go for that?”. PM2: “Lots of ‘em, its an expanding market - look we can incorporate that mothercare promo u was thinking about too, and we might even save a few quid in admin costs as well”. PM1 starts dialling Bert on his mobile: “Now ur starting to talk sense m8, the boss will luv it…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - cruise time“I can’t wait until the NO-COP finishes” says PM1 excitedly, “It means we can channel all our energy into the Cruise”. Bert: “Yeah, its gunna be bigger and better this year, and with all those extra places, we can slip in even more m8’s under the radar as well”. PM1 nods in agreement: “Bazza’s gunna be well chuffed, I heard he needs to convalesce after tripping over a bung someone left lying around”. Berts face goes red as he shuffles in his chair: “Errr, Yes m8, some of his aquainances just are’nt carefull enuf, anyway, wot was u saying?”. PM1: “it’s all hands to the pumps m8, we need some quotes from last year for our flyer, u got any ideas?”. Bert rifles through his desk looking for the fag packets he used to take notes on last year. Bert: “Got ‘em, if I read a few out tell me which u like m8”Price: “Fking excellent, Uncle Bert sure knows how to throw a party”. Reds: “Who wudv thought u cud get such rewards for mediocre play”. Highball: “My pacemaker nearly stopped when I rivered that 9”. TheHerring: “Can u change my nappy then direct me to the cash tables”. PM3: “Best office party Yet...” TheDom: “bejesus, where’s me Aces” LuciferFish: “Ouch - where’s me Guitar” ROYTHEPLOY: “At least it was free…” PM1 grimaces: “I don’t think we shud include the last one m8, we don’t wanna give the addicts the wrong idea…” Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - WSOPIt’s getting down to the last few tables in the WSOP main event, and there’s still a few European guys left, so Bert, The head honcho of the Pokermanagers, is having a meeting with Bazza ‘Opportunity Knocks’ Earn, to ask for advice on how Badjokes.com can use this to their advantage. Bert asks: “So then m8, any ideas?”. Bazza peers over the top of his copy of ‘The Scum’ and answers: “Its obvious to me m8, just check ur records, I’m sure a couple of ‘em probably downloaded the Badjokes.com poker software at one time to check it out, if ur lucky they mite have once deposited money as well”. Bert Smiles, as he knows where his Buddy’s coming from: “U mean we can ‘adopt’ em as Badjokes.com players, even tho they don’t play here any more, or never really did?”. Bert nods his head: “Doh, ur on the ball today m8”, as he glances back to page 3, turning it through 90 degrees to get a better view. “You can run freerolls in their honour and everything”, just think of the publicity. Bert ponders for a while, before saying “Sounds a bit too obvious, no-one’s gonna be fooled m8”. Bert starts laughing, “Look - u get wot u want, the addicts get a free game, who’s gunna give a chit, it’ll all be forgotten in a few days anyway”. Bert: “Good advice as always m8, cya l8r, I better make a start on uploading the profiles now…”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - ghost ship“I’m looking for ideas on how we can fill the barge up this year”, asks Bert, “U got any ideas?”. “STFU” growls the barman, “U ask me that question every morning, its starting to p1ss me right off, I thought those jokers u bring in during the afternoon were supposed to have all the idea’s, that’s wot u pay ‘em for isn’t it?”. Bert becomes a tad agitated, and immediatley jumps to the defence of his staff: “leave my robots alone m8, they have enuf to do pressing buttons and organising freebies, I can’t expect em to think of everything”. Barman: “Well why keep asking me then?, I told ya an hour ago I’m busy m8, I’ve got to bottle up, were open in 10 mins and u sound like uve had enuf anyway”. Bert slurrs: “I got 450 berths to fill in 2 months, its gunna look like the Marie Celeste if I don’t think of summat quick…”. Barman: “You could always do like u usually do and run a load of celebrity freerolls, that shud take up the slack”. Bert Groans: “Were gunna be doing that l8r on m8, but I need summat Now”. As the Barman empties the ashtrays he ponders: “It mite sound a bit obvious m8, but why not listen to ur addicts for once, I mean read that forum thingy, find out what thay want”. Berts expression suddenly picks up : “Fking ell, ur right m8, I’ll half the price and run lotteries for cheap package holidays, that’ll keep em sweet, btw m8, u wanna job?, im gunna have a lot of vacancies soon….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - better to be safe“Being a PM aint the job I thought it was gunna be” moans PM16 over morning coffee, “I didn’t expect it to be so tuff”. PM1 chuckles: “U aint had to re-set frozen tables again have ya?, I had to do that job for 2 years, almost killed me I was that busy, I even had to put in a claim for RSI in the end”. PM16: “no m8, I find that job quite theraputic, and I felt so proud yesterday when I answered my first email, it was dated April 2003, but at least I responded” he beams, boasting “That’s more than most of ‘em in here”. PM1: “so whats ur problem then?”. PM16: “well m8, I was a bit bored coz the server managed to stay up for once, so I didn’t have to give refunds or man the phonebox, so I thought I’d watch a final table and try to get to grips with….. waddya call it again?”. PM1 frowns: “Its called Pokker m8, didn’t Bert tell ya at ur indoctrination meeting”. PM16 shuffles his deckchair: “errrr that’s the fella, he probably did m8, but I mustv forgot, coz ‘bus-conductor’ syndrome does that to ya sometimes”. PM1: “anyway m8, go-on, what happened”. PM16: “some FruitCake guy was trying dump a load of cash on another guy, it was pretty obvious to me that it couldn’t have been anything else other than drug money, so I had to empty his account immediatley, and call the cops, I’ll wager he was even smoking crack while he was doing it”. PM1: “He must’v been smoking summat to play on badjokes.com in the first place m8, better to be safe than sorry I say….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - cruise incentive“Gr8 party again last night eh!?” says PM14 as he awakes at his desk, rubbings his bloodshot eyes and reaching for the paraceatamol, “I always like the race and vodka night on a Sunday, coz theres never much happening and the site seems to be running itself ATM anyway”. PM21 agree’s: “Yeah m8, I heard there were only 2 crashes, but I was watching ‘baddies joker’ in the 2nd 3rd and 4th races, i wasn’t gunna bother turning in at all, but Bert promised me anuther cpl of cruise places as an incentive if I watched” he says, rolling his eyes, adding: “my gran wants to come and bring that m8 of hers she met playing bingo on a saga holiday at Great Yarmouth, she says they like a game of whist, and fancy giving poker a go”. PM14: “ahhhh the old dear, she’s got as much chance as anyone I reckon, wot with them not being many runners expected for the main event now, and she’s just the type of person we need to encourage to come on our poker cruise” PM21: “Yeah, and I’ll bet they wont bend my ear all day about bad beats, they probably don’t know wot one is anyway !!”. PM14: “lol, yeah, it’ll definatley make our job easier” he laffs, “and I can’t see the bar being too crowded either, but we better fit a horlicks machine and blanket dispenser on every landing to be sure”. PM21: “bloody hell m8, its only midday and ur already having good ideas, u better slow down a bit or ur gunna make us all look inadequate….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - interaction“Does anyone else think abuse in on the increase l8ly” asks Bert during the morning sherry, “We seem to be getting more and more complaints from the junkies bout it, I thought we’d handed out a record number of chat bans last month, I cant understand it !!” he sighs. PM3 Pipes Up: “Ur Fking rite it is, and I know why m8, most of the complaints are about PM21, I think he’s getting peed coz the addicts always slag us off, but we have to be all ‘nicey nicey’ back, he told me he’s even got permission to even the score”. Bert looks anxious: “oooops, it mite be my fault that, I told him I wanted more interaction with the junkies, in fact I think I said “speak to ‘em in there own language”, but it sounds like he’s taken me too literally”. PM3: “Lol, Yeah, But telling that BeanoDebt guy that he didn’t give a fcuk he got rivered, then telling him he was a waster, and to deposit some more dole money was a tad too strong IMHO”. Bert laughs: “Phew… Is that all it was?, I thought he’d told him to FO to Prima for a minute….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - pack yer bags“I got some good news for ya” Beams Bert at an clearly overtired PM3, “Its about this years cruise luvvie, u better start packing yer bags”. PM3 smiles : “ooooh so im going after all am I?”. Theres a pregnant pause before Bert Answers: “errrrrr no, wot I meant is that u will be the only PM around the place for a cpl of weeks while were all in the caribbean, so U’ll have to live in the office bedroom for a while”. PM3 looks shocked: “Well why’s that good news for me m8, I can’t see the attraction in living among pizza bozes and jazz mags for 2 weeks, its bloody disgusting in there”. Bert looks serious: “Just think of all the overtime, plus u’ll save a fortune in travelling to work, and just think of the heating bills u wont have to pay at home” he states, adding “Ive heard its cold in the UK in january, it should save u a fortune”. PM3: “lol, u can be so cruel at times m8”, Bert gives a knowing nod: “Thanks, I’ll take that as a compliment then….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - dogs“There mite be an opening on the cruise after all” says Bert, “It’s probably not the job u wanted, but I need someone to keep an eye on my pets while I’m at the bar, and as ur so good with the dogs on the site, u immediatley sprang to mind”. PM3: “Your generosity never fails to surprise me m8, but I got an offer from BENNYTHEDIPSTICK, he asked me to bunk in with him, so it looks like I’ll be doing much the same job anyway”. Bert looks disappointed, and trys his usual sweetener. Bert: “It’s free bar for PM’s u know!!, a bit of a busmans holiday, but just think how much u’ll save”. PM3 reflects for a moment: “sounds tempting, but I just accepted this minute, coz I can’t stomach any more of ‘thebodgers’ campaign posts, and the other PM’s are sending me hate mail coz of it”. Bert Laughs: “don’t worry about that m8, they’ll just be from PM21 practicing for when his chat ban expires”. PM3 shakes her head: “Phew, that’s ok then, but u gunna have to throw in a few of them golden ticket thingys before I reconsider”. Bert looks pleased: “Take as many as u want, but theres no need really, coz we got proper toilet paper on the boat this year….”Go To Page Top |
The Pokermanagers - syndicate III“What’s that application form ur filling in luv?” enquires MrsReds, as she feeds the starving nippers their grass cuttings, “U looking for a proper job or summat?”. Reds pushes his mouse to one side: “Yes luvvie, Bazza’s getting a new ‘reality’ TV show, its called ‘the lackey’, sort of like that Alan Sugarbowl apprentice thingy, but more brutal”. MrsReds Laffs: “You’ve never had a proper job in ur life luv, wot makes u think there gunna consider u lol”. Reds indignantly puts his hands on his hips: “I was invited to attend if u must know!, Bazza Earn’s been keeping an eye on my ventures, and he likes the way I operate, he said he admired how I sold everyone a t-shirt then made em obsolete before they were even delivered”. MrsReds: “Nice One, and don’t forget to mention how much more dosh in ‘admin fees’ ur gunna make, now u got a loada new junkies signed up, that shud impress him”. Reds: “I better be careful giving figures tho, if he thinks I got too big a piece of the pie he’s gunna want anuther cut”. MrsReds: “Knock a few zero’s off the end then, u can always say it’s a typo”. Reds: “Bloody ell luv, sweet idea… I hope u aren’t applying tho, coz I got enuf competition already, wot with all those Pokermanagers n all”. MrsReds: “hahaha no luv, I fancied a go on that new series of ‘troubleshooter’, with that John Harvey-Rabbit guy, he said he reckons I got a good insight into the difficulties at BadJokes.com, there wasting millions on peripheral activities, and not looking after the important stuff”. Reds: “Yeah I agree, if they spent more time looking after My new Syndicate III business they wudnt be in this mess…”Go To Page Top |
Scaley the agony aunt – injuryThe poker world’s equivalent of Marjorie Proops is scanning his inbox: “This looks an interesting one” he thinks, as he opens an e-mail titled “Poker Injury – Please Advise”. A couple of quick mouse clicks later, he starts reading: “Dear Scaley, my doctor has advised me to quit internet poker due to the continual hammering my knuckles have taken punching the screen. I’m an addict, so stopping playing is impossible, but I heard you were once in IT, so can u recommend a cheap PC supplier?”. Scaley knows the player concerned, and carefully ponders his response: “Dear Mandalay2, I think the root cause of the problem is your willingness to commit all your chips pre-flop too many times, coz even though you may be 80% favourite, this is no guarantee of winning, and u may get outdrawn. The resulting frustration of losing, leads to a build up of pressure in the cerebral cortex, causing a reflex action to punch something. It is thus logical to assume that raising 3 x the Big Blind, instead of going All-In, will lead to better mental health, a bigger bankroll, with a reduced need to purchase new hardware. Having said that, I believe the main advantage to you, is that it will keep your right hand in tip-top shape, for the mid-game adult surfing you enjoy so much”. Scaley sends his reply, but quicky realises his error: “Bollox, maybe I shud’v sold him that old monitor after all…”Go To Page Top |
Scaley the agony aunt – addicted to actionThings are really picking up for our hero, and he’s getting a reputation in the poker world for being one of the more approachable ‘Pro’s’ (Cough), and always ready to give sensible advice to anyone. As he filters out the genuine requests from those adverting Viagra, loans, and cheap software from the USA, he comes across an interesting email with a subject title of ‘Addicted to action’. As he opens it, the first thing he notices is the sender’s name, “Gus Muppet”. “Wow”, he shouts, “Bloody hell, come over here logicman, stop surfing that porno and have a look at this…”. Logicman don’t really care, but still manages a disinterested “Just read it out” as his eyes are permanently fixed on the latest fetishist website. Scaley: “It Say’s Dear Scaley, I’ve been a top pro for some years now and have fans all over the world who copy my style, but I’m starting to feel guilty for setting a bad example, coz I’m just addicted to the action and really don’t have a clue, what do you think I should do, should I come clean or just keep on pretending?”. How can Scaley answer this one? If he says publicly admit your Jim Henson roots, he might alienate thousands of poker fans, and if he says keep pretending, then he’s not being true to his ethos, and will lose credibility with the genuine players, so it’s a real toughie. It takes the rest of the day to think about, until he’s sure there’s something in it for everyone. “Dear Gus, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing chit cards all the time, especially if it’s a multi-way raised pot. You can usually assume that all the others will be sharing each other’s high card outs, leaving more dross in the deck for u to hit. An exception might be when ur up against a lone scared chicken chit internet qualifier, who will probably only dare make a move on you with a premium hand, in which case please consider folding”. Scaley breathes a sigh of relief as he thinks, “They can’t argue with that one…”Go To Page Top |
The Herring - Fake IDNursery school’s almost over for the day, as MrsHerring waits in the playground for her little angel. She’s talking to another parent about how concerned she is that her young Herring seems to spend most of his time in front of the PC, and doesn’t go skiing with the other nippers. MrsHerring: “It’s a real worry for us” she sighs, “Once he starts, his dad has to threaten him with a visit from I_Eliminate_U, or he’s on it for hours”. the_mother: “Kids eh, bless ‘em, mine are just the same”. MrsHerring: “Yeah, I’m getting a bit worried tho, coz he keeps telling us he just wants to win another 50k before bedtime, we have some real tantrums and arguments I can tell u, he even tried bribing me with a new house last night!”. the_mother: “All kids are like that luv, at least he’s doing something educational, mine just like downloading porn, I tried to get ‘em into texas NLH, but will they listen?, will they fcuk”. MrsHerring lets out a nervous laugh: “It’s starting to get bad tho, he wants us to take him to Atlantic City for our holidays, and promised to be good if we get him some fake ID”. The_mother: “All kids have fake ID’s these days Luv, its better they do it with your consent rather than sneaking around behing ur back”. MrsHerring: “I suppose so, but I don’t want him getting in with the wrong crowd”. The_mother: “Don’t be a spoilsport, just make sure he sticks to the $100/$200 fixed limit tables, that can’t hurt can it?…”Go To Page Top |
The Herring - GradesMr & Mrs Herring have been summoned to school by the headmaster. “It’s about young Herring”, he says sternly, “Were a bit concerned that he spends most of his time in the IT department, & his other grades just aren’t up to scratch”. MrHerring: “The little bugger told us he was doing well, u do surprise me m8”. Headmaster: “We have a strict policy at Allinkoping Nursery school MrH, we like all our students to have a more ‘rounded’ education than just playing Texas NLH”. MrHerring looks concerned: “Oh, I see, so where do you think he needs to improve then?”. Headmaster: “For a start he’s neglecting his other casino studies, I think he’s gunna fail Craps, Roulette and Bacarrat, he did average on blackjack and punto-banco, but the only subject that’s keeping his grades up are the cash tables at poker”. MrsHerring doesn’t like the beak criticizing her little dumpling, so butts in: “He want’s to be a high-roller when he grows up, does it really matter if he can’t thow a few silly little dice?”. Headmaster: “He’s gunna have to mix in all sorts of circles when he leaves here luv, it’s my job to ensure he does his best in all classes”. MrH: “So what do think we should do then m8”. The Headmaster lifts his bottle of mineral water to his lips, and thinks for a while. “Well u could start by sending him on the school field trip to Vegas this year, that might help.…”Go To Page Top |
The Herring - Big Boys Did ItTheHerring arrives home from school, looking a tad distraught and red-eyed. “What’s up poppet” his concerned mum says, TheHerring doesn’t want to say, he’s only a toddler, but understands the rule of the playground, and doesn’t want to be a snitch. MrsHerring: “Come on luv, u can tell me, I promise I won’t tell ya dad”. Young Herring sniffs: “Big boys did it”, MrsH: “what did they do luv, cmon, u can trust yer old mum”. TheHerring: “Promise u won’t tell anyone, cross ur heart and hope to die”. MrsH laughs: “Course not luv, now what did the big boys do?”. TheHerring starts crying: “Well mum, u know that no limit game at playtime?, some big boys said they wanted to play, I told em it was for first years only, but they didn’t take any notice and kept raising my big blind, they gave me a severe pasting, and I lost about 100k of my dinner money before they stopped”. By now young Herring has burst into floods of tears, he’s gasping for breath as he sobs: “and…and…and.. one even swore at me, he called me a Fisk”. MrsHerring has a horrified look on her face: “That’s serious luv, I’m afraid im gunna have to have a word with your headmaster, coz he assured me he wudn’t tolerate bullying of any description…”Go To Page Top |
Wurly_69 - Why Me?It’s not been a good year for Wurly_69, it’s getting to the stage where he’s not only scared to bet any hand, he’s now even frightened to switch on his PC, coz he knows the pain that lies ahead, but like so many people these days, he’s an internet poker addict and there is no known cure. “Do u have to use the laptop in bed luv?” his missus moans, “when u said u wanted an early night, I didn’t think u meant this kind of poker”. Wurly’s wound-up at his usual bad luck, but expects it to change any minute (lol): “It just can’t keep happening luv, I gotta take every opportunity to play myself outta this slump”. MrsWurly: “It’s been over a year now since u won anything, maybe u shud consider packing it in”. Wurly_69 is horrified at this suggestion: “It’s against all known logic and probability, I mean how can u lose with bullets over 100 times on the trot, the last time was a joke, bloody 94 offsuit turned me over by flopping quads, then the same guy busts my trip ladies by hitting a runner-runner str8, and soon after, some other muppet finished me off by calling my Kowboys with ace-rag”. MrsWurly is disinterested, and mumbles: “Sounds like a normal day luv, I’d have thought u were used to it by now…”. Wurly’s doing his best to keep a lid on it, coz he’s just hanging on as money time draws near: “Take this for example, just watch and u’ll see wot I mean!”. Right on cue, Wurly picks up a pocket pair of 7’s and moves his small stack in the middle before he’s blinded out, to be called by the big blind holding Q3 sooted: “No Queen” he says, before the flop comes JK10 rainbow, “No Nine or Ace or Queen” he hollers, before the turn brings another 10. By now he’s nearly bursting, “No Nine or Ace Or Queen or club” he shouts, as the river brings another King, nullifying his pair of 7’s and so making him lose the pot to the queen kicker, coz he can’t even beat the board. “See…See… I told ya, It’s not fair, why do fking badjokes.com do this to me every fking time”. MrsWurly shakes her head, and in a condescending poker widow voice says: “U forgot about the king when u was screaming, maybe if u learned to read the board correctly, u wudn’t keep losing all ur chips”, adding smugly: “he had an extra 2 outs that u forgot about…”. By now Wurly’s blood is really boiling as he hurls the laptop across the room, which smashes into the bookshelf, showering the floor with broken ornaments. MrsWurly is gobsmacked as she looks her steaming husband straight in the eye: “U gotta Calm down luv, its only a game…”Go To Page Top |
DoleBhoy - Job Centre“So what kind of work would u like to do?” sneers the smarmy jobsworth, “I see from your record that you listed ‘professional poker player’, but it must be a typo I think, we don’t have much call for them in Glasgow”. DoleBhoy: “Ok, apart from pro boozers and wife beaters what can u offer me then?”. Jobsworth: “we got an opening for bird chit cleaners, for stunt drunks, Mars bar fryers, and theres a job going at Easterhouse loansharking, but if ur really stuck theres a few jobs going at dusk till dawn poker on the early shift”. DoleBhoy: “Errr, I heard it’s the worst place in town”. The Jobsworth forces a smile: “It’s not that bad m8, trust me, it’s true there’s a big turnover of staff, but they’ve learned a lot l8ly from badjokes.com’s mistakes”. DoleBhoy: “that don’t sound too good m8, waddya mean?”, Jobsworth sniggers: “well, they urgently need a whipping boy, not just a faceless Pokermanager, and the jobs got ur name written all over it”. DoleBhoy frowns: “When would they want me to start?”. Jobsworth: “Errr, 2 weeks ago….”Go To Page Top |
Jesse & ROY – Where are we today?“Where the fcuk are we today ROY”, yawns a travel weary JessePay, as he wakes up in the all expenses paid hostel domitory. This pair have spent so much time on the road together l8ly, there getting on each others nerves, and it’s hard for either of them to keep a civil tongue in their head, on or off the TV screen. Jesse moans: “Were doing so much TV ATM, I aint even got a fking clue what day of the week it is”. ROYTHEPLOY: “Doh!, Its Sky again, its Poker billions this week u muppet, it’s the big one!”. Jesse doesn’t like his underlings brusque tone, and decides to wind him up for sport: “Anyway, I thought u was playing in it m8, didn’t Bazza and Bert fix their chosen one a seat this year?”. ROY stammers, he’s not quite sure just how much his co-presenter knows: “Errr, Errr…, no m8, I had to tell ‘em I couldn’t play this year, wot with all my other commitments ‘n all”. Jesse furrows his eyebrows and pretends to be puzzled: “Well I heard it was t’other way round m8, u didn’t qualify so badjokes fixed u up with commentating as a consolation to get their moneys worth”. By now Jesse’s really starting to get exited, he can’t contain himself, and goes for the jugular by adding: “never mind m8, I’m sure u’ll be making tons more now than u ever did playing poker”. ROY’s boiling, but desperatley clinging onto the shreds of whatever dignity he has left: “No need to take the p1ss m8, it just hasn’t been my year on the felt, that’s all”. Jesse: “lol, Yeah, right” he says as he starts laughing and taunting his irate buddy: “That’s what that Carlos Citroen said Simon Farter said, I heard it all before m8”. ROY: “Fcuk off…”Go To Page Top |
Jesse & ROY – Temporary ReplacementIt’s been a while, but amazingly ROYTHEPLOY is playing rather than commentating, leaving JessePay looking for a temporary replacement. He’s approached Barney Houseboat, and is discussing the job. JessePay: “It’s only a short-term position m8, ROY will be out soon, and he won’t take too kindly to u sittin in his chair, coz he’ll be steaming”. Barney: “What about a flat fee then?, 50 quid should do it, That’ll pay me a fair rate and cover my ex’s nicely”. Jesse stares openmouthed before speakeing: “Fcuk me, I wasn’t thinking of paying for a full hour, that Carlos Citroen guy said he’s do it for a ‘teenth of dope and some instant tanning lotion”. Barney: “Lol, but he can’t analyse the play like I can”. Jesse: “Who gives a fcuk about that?, I just need some company and a gofer, all u have to say is chit like ‘how can he get away from this’ and ‘Look at these worms’ every 5 minutes”. Barney doesn’t want to lose this lucrative job so argues his case: Barney: “But No-one says ‘Oh Dear’ quite like me m8”. Jesse: “Ok, u convinced me fella, that’s 2 sugars and don’t forget the doughnuts”. Barney: “Oh Dear, how can I get outta this”. Jesse: “That’s excellent m8, ur learning quickly”. Barney: “Fcuk off…”Go To Page Top |
Jesse & ROY – It’s gunna take all nightThe final table of the ‘After Boozing Time’ poker masters is in progress and were down to 2 players. The blinds are getting quite steep but the game is tight, and the action is happening slowly. Our commentators have spent all week on this event and are pretty much shagged out. There hoping it will end soon, coz they have to be on a plane to Iraq in 3 hrs to do the Baghdad ‘Heads-off’ poker challenge, in which only the winner can hope to wear a tie again. Jesse turns off the microphone and has a private word with ROY. JessePay: “Fcuk me ROY, its gunna take all night” he says, looking at his watch, “Can’t we do something?”. ROYTHEPLOY: “I’m ahead of ya Jesse, I got an idea!”. To recap for a mo, a decent pot is brewing, with the under-table cams showing DevilKipper on a stone bluff, re-raising Chris Muppetmakers AK suited from the BB. The flop brings a K, but DevilKipper moves All-In first, and Muppetmaker is deciding wether DevilKipper has made a set before calling. ROY jumps up from his shackletons chair, and starts banging on the glass booth, attracting the attention of the players who can just make out a muffled “He’s fking bluffing m8, call him, he’s got chit”, at which point Jesse switches back on the Audio. Jesse: “Theres danger lurking for DevilKipper here if he gets called here, will he be called ROY?”. ROY doesn’t answer straight away coz he’s busy flicking V’s at an irate DevilKipper, and giving Muppetmaker the thumbs up sign. ROY eventually answers: “I think he will Jesse, he’s just about getting the right odd’s, and Top Pr/Kicker is a hard hard to get away from, plus I think he’s got a read on DevilKipper …”Go To Page Top |
LoseBase makes some new friends – A story by vandalay2In the darkened bedroom, LoseBase sits, as usual, in front of a flickering computer monitor. As soon as he hears the knock on the door, both hands smoothly spring into simultaneous, practised action. The left zipping up his flies and with one deft mouse click by the right, the picture on screen changes from ‘Lesbian Midgets’ to a well known online poker site. ‘Come in’, he shouts cheerily. The door opens and his mother enters bearing a tray containing a steaming mug and a small plate of jammy dodger biscuits. ‘Some hot chocolate dear’, she says. ‘Oh thanks mum, just what I need, and jammy dodgers, oh goody my favourite’. he takes the tray and lays it down beside his computer. ‘Guess what mum, I think I’ve made some new friends!’ ‘Oh, that’s nice dear’, she replies, with a sigh that suggests she has heard it all before. ‘No really mum’, he persisted. ‘They seem to really like me this time’. ‘Yes dear’, she says gently. ‘But that’s what you said when you joined the trainspotters club and one of them tried to push you in front of the 2.15 from Euston’. ‘Oh no mum, that was just an accident. He stumbled and fell against me that’s all’. ‘Oh well dear, as long as you’re happy, I suppose’, she replies. ‘Drink up your hot chocolate and get to bed then, school tomorrow’. ‘Ok mum’, he answers obediently. ‘Wait until I tell everybody at school about my new friends’, he exclaims excitedly. ‘But I thought nobody spoke to you at school’, she says gently. ‘Maybe they will tomorrow though’, he replies. ‘Ok dear, but be careful. You don’t want your head stuck down the toilet pan again’. ‘No’, he nods in thoughtful agreement. As she is about to leave the room, his mother glances at the computer screen. ‘Oh’, she exclaims. ‘I see you’re still looking at that poker site’. ‘Oh yes mum, that’s where I met my new friends’. ‘But dear, you thought you had made some friends on there before, remember? When you organized your exclusive little invite only tournaments which everybody got fed up with after a couple of weeks’. ‘I know mum, but this time it’s different’, he insists. ‘Yes dear, but that’s what you said when everybody was asking you for advice about the Norton firewall interfering with the poker software, and you ended up just boring the arse of everybody’. ‘Yes I know mum, but this time it really is different, honest’, he maintains. ‘But how is it different dear?’ ‘Well, I’ll tell you’, he says. ‘It all started when I wrote a little story poking fun at a well known player on the site, and everybody thought it was really funny. Well….everybody who matters anyway. So they’ve asked me to write some more about other players, and they’re even putting them on a new poker website with my name and copyright and everything. Just like a real writer. And it’s so easy too. All I have to do is change the name slightly and pick on one aspect of their character or personality and…..’ ‘It all sounds a bit cruel dear’, she suggests. ‘Yes it may be’, he agrees. ‘But I don’t care because my new friends like that. And it means that they like me too. And guess what mum, they’re professional poker players and it’s like I’m one of them’. ‘But dear’, she shakes her head. ‘You only play freerolls and one dollar multis’. I know’, he agrees, ‘But that’s only because you won’t give me a raise in my pocket money!’ ‘You shouldn’t be gambling with your pocket money anyway’, she scolds. ‘ Why don’t you just spend it on comics like you used to? I just don’t want to see you get hurt again dear’. ‘Oh no, I won’t mum. They really are friends this time. I’m sure of it’. ‘Ok dear, I’ll leave you to it then. But are you sure they aren’t just looking for something to fill up the pages of their new site?’ she asks in a concerned tone. ‘Oh no mum, they really like me this time, I’m sure of it!’ ‘Ok dear, night-night then’, she says as she leaves the room. LoseBase changes into his pyjamas and gets into bed. He cuddles his favourite teddy-bear. ‘Night-night AJ - it’s great to be popular!’Go To Page Top |