On The Edge Of Tilt

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This Is where i'm gunna post some crap I wrote to amuse myself while waiting for the inevitable muff outdraws playing online poker.

NewBee & OldLag - Opinion NewBee & OldLag - Same muppet
NewBee & OldLag - Spectators The Pokermanagers - Software Upgrade
Wurly_69 - Same Chit Different day NewBee & OldLag – The Secret
NewBee & OldLag – Gus NewBee & OldLag – 3 Pairs
NewBee & OldLag – I Had Outs TheGrudge – Live Game
TheGrudge – American Site The Pokermanagers - New Guy
The Pokermanagers – First Day The Pokermanagers – Real Work
The Pokermanagers – Hands Off The Pokermanagers – New Ideas
The Pokermanagers – Bazza The Pokermanager – Microblaming
The Pokermanager – ROYTHEPLOY Salome the table stalker – No Reply
NewBee & The Pokermanagers – Kinky’s Problem NewBee & OldLag – Super System
ScandiRays - Nice Fold The Pokermanagers – New Certificate
TheChiseler – Comeback The Pokermanagers – Routine Maintenance
the_mother – Normal Day NewBee & OldLag – Lingo
the_mother – Kindred Spirit The Pokermanagers - Promotions
The Pokermanagers – Target Practice The Pokermanagers – Promises
Scaley the agony aunt – Solution The Pokermanagers – Clock
NewBee & OldLag – U Shocked Me TheGrudge – miracle
The Pokermanagers – Tipster ScandiRays – Freeroll
NewBee & OldLag – Luck The Pokermanagers – Investment From Punters
TheGrudge – private table Scaley the agony aunt – bad run
The Pokermanagers – house player The Pokermanagers – Abuse Tariff
Wurly_69 - Fairytale The Pokermanagers - Syndicate
The Pokermanagers – New Syndicate The Herring – That’s naughty m8
The Pokermanagers - Loyal Customers The Pokermanagers - Initiative
The Pokermanagers - Thats a nice shirt ! The Pokermanagers - Write-off
Wurly_69 - Why's daddy crying again? TheGrudge - bot
The Pokermanagers - cull DoleBhoy - Signing On
The Pokermanagers - Cruise Budget The Pokermanagers - Mystery Horse
NewBee & OldLag - Poker In Yer Local Jesse & ROY - U say it best
The Grudge - It's War The Grudge - Little fish are’nt always sweet
The Grudge - Date

NewBee & OldLag - Opinion

“NewBee”, and “OldLag” are talking about poker. NewBee knows that any 2 cards can win, his favourite words are “All-In”, he loves to gamble, and Gus Hansen is his hero. OldLag has been stung playing Ace rag out of position too many times, has learned by experience when to take his hand outta the fire, and doesn’t consider himself “pot committed” after a flat call, upgrading his hand to worthy of All-in at the first opportunity. OldLag is bemoaning his luck after 3.5 hrs solid play in last nights tournament. OldLag: “I lost 100k and went out on the bubble after some muppet bust my KK from the button by re-raising me All-in with 22 from the big blind, then he hits a set on the flop and im toast” NewBee: “You shouldn’t have committed all your chips pre-flop then”. OldLag: “Yeah, But I Was 4 to 1 on Favourite, It Was hard to swallow just short of the dollars”. NewBee “He must have thought you were trying to steal his blind, he had a legitimate bet”. OldLag: “ffs, maybe so, but Would You Have Risked It All, just one place from the cash holding 22, knowing you were even money at best, or a big dog to an overpair?, I raised 9x the BB so he could expect a call”. NewBee: “I dunno about that, but I Might if I thought you were stealing. – Look, To Get to 100k in the first place, you must have had a few 1/4’s stand up, so it’s just equalled itself out Ok”. OldLag: “I see your point, but cards don’t remember whats gone before, a good gamble is a good gamble m8”. NewBee: “If you wanna beat muppets, you gotta think like one, and you gotta play like one”. OldLag: “But Do I have to listen to one - Shut the fcuk up, wheres my sympathy, we aint started playing yet and you’ve already put me on tilt” NewBee: “No need to be like that, my opinions just as valid as yours”. The conversation ends when OldLag’s head suddenly explodes from the build up of pressure.

NewBee & OldLag - Same Muppet

Things aint been going too well for OldLag this game, he’s not picking up any cards, and when he does make the odd call, he misses the flop by a week. He’s not won many pots and his stack is dwindling. Its been folded round to him on the button where he finds Kojak suited, so decides to give it a spin. He raises NewBee’s Big blind, hoping to take a small pot. NewBee Chortles: “You must have a good hand this time m8, I call”. The Flop is A 10 3 rainbow and action is on NewBee who checks. OldLag Just Knows NewBee doesn’t have any part of it, so throws the rest of his chips in, hoping to take the pot uncontested, after all, he represented strength and his Dinosaur brained m8 must surely be worried if he doesn’t hold an ace or at least a pair, and his king might even be leading. “Call” says NewBee in a heartbeat. “Chit” thinks OldLag, “that’s the one word I didn’t wanna hear, I got this one wrong….”. The chips are counted and the cards go over, with unbelievably NewBee showing exactly the same Hand, KJ suited, and the pot is shared. “How on earth could you call my All-In with no piece of it?” enquires OldLag, who’s glad to still be in, but fails to understand his m8’s play, even though his own may not have been too smart. OldLag then adds: “I aint played a hand for half an hour, then I raise ya preflop, and when an ace falls I go All-In, it cud’ve been an expensive mistake for over half yer chips”. NewBee: “Well u played Kojak, why shouldnt I?”. OldLag, struggling to explain, adds: “Yeah, but I was the aggressor, I thought it was a bad call by you, even though we did split it”. NewBee: “Your just sore coz I didn’t give it to ya”. OldLag: “No m8, you took a big risk on the chance I was bluffing”. NewBee: “No…. We both bet the same hand, if my play was bad, then so was yours, so according to u that must make us both the same muppet then….”

NewBee & OldLag – Spectators

“Whats that game your playing” asked one of NewBee’s friends. NewBee: “Its Poker, Like You See On The Telly”. Friend: “How do you play that then?”. NewBee: “Its Easy, everyone gets 2 cards face down, Then You Get A flop, then a turn, and then a river, after that the best hand wins”. Looking like he’s just walked out of a lecture on quantum mechanics, his friend asks, “Sounds complicated to me, how do you know what the best hand is?, and why aren’t you all always playing at the end”. NewBee: “Coz you have to put chips in when there’s a round of betting, if you don’t, then your out”. Whoooosh – straight over the top of his head. Friend: “How do you know how many chips to put in?”. NewBee: “You can put in as many as you want, but when your bluffing, you probably want to put loads in”. Whoooosh. OldLag, already ‘on the edge of tilt’, tries to hurry the game along “can we save the lessons till later please?, were in the middle of a hand here”. NewBee “Suppose so, anyway im All-In”. OldLag by now getting low on chips, looks down at his Queen 5, and grudgingly has to fold. A smiling NewBee flips over 7 2, his favourite hand, and rakes the chips towards him. Friend: “So 72 is a good hand then?”. NewBee: “No, it’s the worst hand but I bluffed him”. Friend: “I get it now, whoever puts the most chips in wins?”. NewBee: “Usually, Yeah. - Look, why don’t you have a game with us?”. Friend: “I might just do that next week, can my missus play as well?, she loves a game of cards”. NewBee: “No Problemo”. Friend: “your m8 doesn’t look too good, I think he’s choking on a crisp or something….”.

The Pokermanagers – Software upgrade

It’s almost time for badjokes.com to release the new Microblaming poker software on an un-suspecting public. The PM’s are a bit unsure if some of the enhancements, such as ‘Increased Action’, will be well received, and are having a trial run on laptops in the local bar just before hometime. None of the PM’s have played much internet poker before, so don’t really have any benchmarks for comparison, but if it seems Ok, have decided to release it as soon as possible. Microblaming have also incorporated a new ‘All-In’ button, requested by the scandanavian contingent, which glows bright red and gives a loud audio warning so that a betting opportunity won’t be missed, should the player receive hole cards such as K9, Q7, Ace-Rag, or any small pocket pair. Bert’s addressing his team as they’re about to start the trial. Bert: “The most important thing is that the software ‘feels’ right” he says, “This time I don’t want any mistakes, so plz have ur bookies pencils and beermats ready at all times to take notes”. PM2 is not amused as he looks at his watch: “Shud’nt Microblaming be doing this, I mean, were not cyber geeks, this wasn’t in my job description, and I gotta go soon anyway, my goldfish won’t feed themselves u know?”. The rest of the PM’s silently nod in agreement, but Bert’s starting to get a tad miffed. Bert: “All I’m asking for is 10 mins guys, after all, we are still technically on company time!”. After the laughter subsides and a brief run-down of the rules, such as “A flush beats a str8” they get underway, with 5 of the PM’s using the New AI button first hand, and as the cards become exposed they find 4 players have the same AK suited, with Bert holding 72 offsuit, who proceeds to take the pot by rivering a deuce. Bert looks relieved: “Trial Over Folks, seems to be working better than ever...”

Wurly_69 - Same Chit Different Day

It’s bank holiday Monday, the suns shining, and there’s a whiff of barbecue in the air, with the click of deckchairs on patio’s accompanying 80’s nostalgia music all down the street, but unfortunatley theres no merriment at Wurly_69’s house, coz he’s too busy with his obsession about having the best starting hand ‘stand up’ to notice any distractions. It’s bubble time yet again, and here it is, just the marginal hand he’s been trying to avoid, pocket rockets in the big blind, with just the SB calling for pot-odds. “Bollox, One more pot and I’ll make the dollars easy, at worst I must be 6/4 underdog, should I go for it?”, he thinks, as he takes 29 seconds before sliding his small stack into the centre. The Small blind has a huge amount of chips, so gives him a spin with 56 offsuit. “you fking beauty” he whoops as the flop comes A 2 8 rainbow, “It’s mine, It’s nearly all mine” he screams, adding “runner-runner me now you fking muppet, I dare ya!”, before the turn is 4, but Wurly’s heart starts sinking fast, coz he just know’s what’s on the menu. “Pleeeze dear god, I promise to be good, just NO 7… NO 7…, just one time baby, pleeeeeze”. The neighbours are by now covering the kids ears, coz they have heard this many times before, and just like Wurly, know it’s odds-on a 7 will hit. It seems like an age as they wait with bated breath, until the silence is finally broken with Wurlys usual war-cry: “No, Nooo, Nooooooooooooo… why do fking badjokes.com do this to me every fking time……”. Trying to be helpful, his concerned Neighbour shouts through the open window: “Wurly m8, If u’d checked, then bet the flop he probably wud’v folded…”. This innocent comment turns Wurly from steaming to ballistic as he hurls his PC into the garden, scattering burgers and ribs all over the place: Wurly screams: “It’s fking rigged I tells ya, C if u can do any better then u muppet…”

NewBee & OldLag – The Secret

NewBee and OldLag meet in the pub after OldLag returns from brain surgery, and still vainly trys to cling onto his belief that if you “get your money in with the best hand, you win in the long run”, but is listening more carefully to NewBee in order to understand his enemy. NewBee proudly boasts: “I won a massive pot the other day with J 7 suited, this guy only raised me 8 times the blind, so it was a cheap call, and I wish I could have seen his face when he realised his AA in the hole was no good, after I flopped 2 pair an he went all-in – sweet”, OldLag Comments “Yeah But, you were a big dog pre-flop”. NewBee: “How could I be, I had half a flush in my hand already, with a picture card AND the chance of a straight, it looked good to me”. OldLag: “Err, Ok… I suppose if you look at it that way, but im not convinced”, NewBee: “Look, you have to take chances at poker, you just arent aggressive enough”. OldLag, getting tired of perverse logic always seeming to come out on top, fires one last salvo “Ok Then, when you called did you think you were in front”, to which NewBee replies “I didn’t think about it, that’s the secret, I just knew I had a good hand”, and with the words “Any 2 cards” ringing in his ears OldLag realises its time to make room for a new breed of poker player.

NewBee & OldLag – Gus

NewBee arrives at his weekly game, fired up from watching another re-run of WSOP 2004 last night. “Did you see it” he exitedly says. OldLag asks “Which One Was It, Ive seen em all loads of times”. NewBee answers: “it was one where Gus Hansen Called That All-In With 10 8 offsuit for half his chips and flopped a straight - what a player he is, I mean, his timing is perfect”. A Little Bemused, OldLag Says: “Pretty Lucky, I would rather have had the big overpair pre-flop, but as they say, that’s poker”. Sensing his chance to enlighten his buddy that the words “All-In” don’t act like some kind of magic talisman when his hero Gus says em, adds: “Theres one episode you probaly wont have seen yet, where Gus went out first on the final table after just 1 or 2 hands - He tried a reraise all-in pre-flop bluff and got looked up, showing 5 2 off. He looked a right muppet skulking out when he missed completley, I was pmsl”. NewBee thinks for less than a second and says, “Yeah, sometimes players get lucky against him, but you gotta admit he went out in style”, to nods of approval from all but an open mouthed OldLag, who just hasn’t got the will to live, let alone say “that’s the point, OUT in style”.

NewBee & OldLag – 3 Pairs

Its well into the night of the local pub game, the beers are in and the wits are out. Once Again NewBee is using his hap-hazard logic based on half-truths, and what he could remember from WSOP on sky last nite. Hes actually doing quite well, he’s chip leader and feels the spiirit of his god ‘Gus’ rising inside him faster than a 100 story elevator. “All-In” he cries once more, and this time OldLag, not wanting to surrender his big blind once again, decides to give him a spin with Q9 suited, its not a big hand and he knows hes probably behind, but wtf, he’s on the edge of tilt anyway, and for once just wants to wipe the smile off his mates face. When the cards go over NewBee Smirks showing “7 2 offsuit” – the hammer. “Its always been lucky for me” he says, “I always play that hand”. OldLag, Now Delighted To Be favourite replys “You’re a Bit Of A Dog m8”, to a reply of “We’ll See”. The first card, slowly peeled off, in pub-game fashion, is a Queen to the unadulterated delight of OldLag, but wait… Heres a 7 and then, lord above, a 2 giving NewBee His two pair. “Told Ya..” booms NewBee to a choked OldLag, Stella dripping from his mouth, too shocked to breathe. The Turn card is 6, No Help, River Card another 6, NewBee Whoops “Gotcha hahahaha”, but wait…. OldLag starts scooping NewBee’s pot towards him. “WTF are you doing” says NewBee. OldLag: “I Have 2 Pair, Queens Over 6’s”, NewBee Protests: “But I Have 3 Pairs 7’s 2’s and 6’s”. After a brief recap of the rules, NewBee admits defeat, but adds: “That’s wrong, they should change that rule” – “Its Unfair I know” sympathises OldLag, who has that warm glow inside, felt only by poker players after bashing a muppet.

NewBee & OldLag – I Had Outs

Its Been a few weeks since NewBee first became a “poker player” and he’s somewhat obsessed with with “getting in the money” for the first time, a goal he initially thought would be easy, but it’s taking a while longer than he thought. OldLag asks him how its going on their next meeting. NewBee: “I’m just not getting enough luck, I nearly made the top 20 the other day, I just wanted a queen and I would have won a huge pot”. OldLag Enquires as to the circumstances. NewBee: “Well, I had KJ and the first guy made a raise, so I called and when the flop was A 10 2 I was rubbing my hands, so when he bet again I called, and after another guy went all-in I did too coz the pot was huge”. OldLag: “Didn’t you put any of them on an ace, and when an ace flopped wern’t you worried?”. NewBee: “A Bit, But I had outs”. OldLag: “lol yeah, 4 to be exact”. NewBee: “But I had 2 goes to get em, and Don’t forget I could also get 2 kings or 2 jacks, so that gives me more chances”. OldLag: “Still, It doesn’t sound too good to me, I personally would have folded, or wouldn’t have been in the pot to start with”. NewBee: “Well, it worked before, that’s how I got so many chips in the first place”. OldLag: “I believe you did fella, but drawing to an inside straight for all your chips is a high risk play”. NewBee: “Whats do you mean by inside straight, a Queen would have given a full straight?”. OldLag: “Just shoot me m8 and put me out of my misery, bollocks, im All-In”

Thegrudge – Live Game

TheGrudge has been invited to a live game at Dicky147’s club. Dicky has his reservations, but thinks that surely all that attitude, swearing and intimidation on-line is just bravado and only done for a laugh. “Glad u could make it” says Dicky as TheGrudge arrives. “Wheres that fking lucky bstard muppet Reds” says TheGrudge, ignoring the outstretched hand of Dicky, “Err.. He’s at the bar, having a drink” says Dicky, suddenly realising that this was his worst idea he’s had since flat calling with Aces in a multi-way pot. “But shouldn’t you take off your coat first and leave your baseball bat in the cloakroom?”, but by now TheGrudge has already started moving towards Reds, Lifting the baseball bat high like a samurai warrior. “Watch Out…” Screams Dicky as TheGrudge makes his move. Reds turns round to confront his would be assailant, “Its Ok, Dicky” shouts Reds, “I Got Him covered”, as he produces a Magnum 357 from his jacket Pocket. This Brings TheGrudge to a Screeching halt. “Hiya Buddy” says TheGrudge, “Have You Got Any Balls I can borrow?"

TheGrudge – American Site

After being gagged more times than an S&M Gimp, TheGrudge decides to sign up for an American poker site where the chat is unregulated. He’s heard there’s some great abuse to be had here, could it be true?. Could it be what he’s been searching for all his ‘poker’ career, “Theres only one way to find out” he thinks as he deposits $10 into his new account. He’s a tad miffed because theres no 25 percent signing on bonus, but WTF, he’s heard theres some easy pickings on here and cant wait to get started. The clock ticks down to the start of his first MTT, “10..9..8… “, he counts to himself, “come on .. come on..” then in a flash its there. “The Tournament Will Begin In 30 seconds” says the message. TheGrudge cant wait. “Don’t Any of you yankee mother fcukers dare call my raises” grudge types. “The Tournament Will Begin In 10 seconds” reads the message. “Bite Me” replys one Yank, “Fcuk off you Limey scumbag” types another, “U take it up the arse” says a 3 rd. Ahhhh heaven, TheGrudge knows its gunna be just as good as they said….

The Pokermanagers - New Guy

Its 4.30pm, and the PM’s have just woken from their afternoon siesta. PM1: “bloody hell, we’ve slept in again, is that the time?”. PM2: “Don’t worry, we havent got much on today, only that new guy to train before home time”. PM1 sniggers: “Phew, glad its nothing important then”. PM2: “Hes the replacement for that automated response system we set up a few years back, u know the one that only sends the ‘individual queries’ message”. PM1 looks puzzled: “Why do we need him then?”. PM2: “people have been complaining, so the boss thought it might be a good idea”. PM1: “Is that him, that guy asleep in reception?”. PM2: “Dunno, but if it isnt we should offer him the job anyway, he looks like he would fit in quite well here”. They both burst out laughing and wake the new guy up. “So what did you do in your last job?” enquires PM2. Newguy: “I Used to Clean Barbary Ape Pooh up, for the local council”. PM1: “Sounds like you are perfectly qualified then”. Newguy: “They thought so at head office, that’s why they head hunted me”. PM2: “So what do you know about internet poker and customer services”. Newguy: “Nothing”. Both PM’s look at each other knowingly, then PM1 says: “Looks like there fast-tracking you for the top job then”

The Pokermanagers – First Day

Its then New Guys first day on the customer relations team, and The morning is taken up by trying to choose a name for him: “PM3” I think…. Says “PM2”, Newguy replys: “Too Obvious, I Like PM007, its got more of a ring to it”, “Nah…” replys, PM2: “That’s the one the boss wants, he’ll never allow it”. After none of them can come to a decision, they decide to have a leisurly lunch before siesta time to mull the problem over. “I Know” says Newguy excitedly, can I be called “PM69”, “Already gone im afraid” says PM1 as he tucks into his plate of Paella and chips “That’s the Boss’s wifes”. Ive got an idea says PM2, “Why don’t we ask the Boss what he thinks, put the decision on him, It will make our life easier, were snowed under as it is”. “He’s away for a few months, checking out locations for next years poker cruise, hes got a lot of ships to get through” says PM1, “Hes also got to ensure the freebies for whatshis name are suitable”, PM2: “u mean ROYTHEPLOY”. NewGuy: “I think I heard of him, aint he that guy used to be in crossroads?”

The Pokermanagers – Real Work

After contacting the boss, the newguy finally has a name. “I Like it” says PM3, “short and sweet. “Are You ready to do some real work today?” asks PM1, “we gotta show u the buttons and how it all works”, PM3: “Uh…, Ok”. PM1: “but first we have to read the paper - find out what our competitors are up to if you know what I mean” he says winking. Theres a long silence from the new recruit. “Errrrr…”, PM2: “Whats wrong”. PM3: “I know I should have told you this earlier, but I cant read or write”. PM1: “hahahaha, that’s not a problem, in fact its an advantage, we’ll just put you in charge of the forum”. PM3 is a bit puzzled “I just told u I cant read or write”. PM2: “theres only a few buttons, ones for the daddy report, one for norton firewall, and one for individual queries”. PM3: “Errr but I cant recognise numbers either”. PM2: “Just try your best, its all anyone can ask”

The Pokermanagers – Hands Off

“Hands off c-cks On with socks” shouts a bleary eyed PM1, “The Boss is coming, I just got a phone call from from the Marina, the QE2’s docking and hes on it with those mates of his, the ones trying to get on ‘im a celebrity’, I think hes got em lined up for some sort of 100k 10 seater freeroll”. Quickly, well as quickly as a PM can, they all get out of the office beds and get dressed. “Hes coming to inspect the offices and find out whats been going on”. PM3: “I only met him the once, when he hired me, he doesn’t seem a bad chap”. PM2: “hes a real tyrant when you get to know him, I once had to do a 3 hour shift on the runner-runner button, hell it was, I can tell you, In the end I just picked names from a hat and set it on auto”. PM1: “I hope you got overtime for it”. PM2 looks skywards: “Nah, but he did give me time off in lieu”. PM1: “What happened to the guys you busted”. PM2: “Oh Chit, I forgot to turn it off”

The Pokermanagers – New Ideas

The pokermanagers are having a meeting to discuss new ideas. You couldn’t exactly call it a brainstorming session or a think tank, but its something they do each week without any agenda or real purpose, or interest for that matter, for a reason long forgotten. The Boss Speaks: “What im looking for today are fresh ideas on how we can be more profitable Here On BadJokes.com, Any Thoughts?”. Theres a shuffling of chairs, a few coughs, its so quiet you can almost hear the Rich Tea biscuits being dunked into the coffee. “Anyone….”, He says. Feeling like he needs to make his mark, the new “care assistant” for want of a better word, PM3, sticks his hand up. “Errr… what about taking some good ideas from other sites and just copying them?”. The rest of the room burst into laughter. “We Tried That, giggles the boss, copyings not as easy as you think”, to the approval of the drones, nodding like dogs on the real parcel shelf of a car. “Anyone else?”. PM1, by far the most experienced PM of them all says, “Its nearly time for lunch Bert, Why don’t we just do what we did last time and massage the rake’s, that’ll gives us our tidy profit share this year, bet those gambling addicts don’t even notice”. Bert Smiles: “I can always depend on you to pull us out of the sh1te m8, always”

The Pokermanagers – Bazza

The pokermanagers have retained the services of Bazza ‘Show me the money’ Earn, a cockney barrow boy who knows chit about poker but has a remarkable track record in making money whatever pie he sticks his finger into. Bazza’s the only man alive who can’t even run a 2 hour televised darts match without one of the players dropping out unexpectedly, and still line his pockets with moolah, hes the perfect man for the job. They are having a meeting to discuss the up and coming Poker Billions promotion. “Whats My Cut” says Bazza before discussions begin. “Waddya want” replys Bert. “To Start with, I want to write a self promotional piece on the Web Site” states Bazza, “Then I want entry into all the freerolls so I can try gain a place for myself, and I want the snooker lads from my ‘backroom sports’ stable to have a free go. I also want a cut from the TV Right’s And repeats, Total freedom in production, my normal consultancy fee of 500k, paid into my swiss bank account up-front, oh, and lastly fresh flowers delivered to my room every day.”. Bert Frowns: “mmmm, I think the flowers may be a problem…..”

The Pokermanager – Microblaming

The PM’s are having a meeting with ‘Microblaming’ the suppliers of their poker software, to discuss problems and new features. “Have You got the shoe box?” says PM1 to PM2. “Which One” replys PM2, narrowing his eyes, PM1: “The One We Keep out notes in, U know, the one where we store the paperwork”. PM2 looks blank as he says: “I never even knew we had such a thing, Ive worked here 3 years and never seen it”. PM1 starts laughing, “Never mind, I think I can remember some of the stuff anyway”. He begins by saying: “It appears the software slows down if you’ve got something called Horton Firedoor running, we had a lot of complaints about it”. Microblaming Programmer: “Did they Re-boot their PC’s?”. PM1: “We’ll put a post on the forum next week, can’t be anything else now I come to think of it”. The meeting drags on for a full 5 minutes, when the young Microblaming guy, fresh from his 2 week vocational IT training says: “So to summarise, that’s an action history button for each hand, A way to make it harder to find people in the lobby, and a switch to that cheaper ISP in Spain”. PM1: “I think that just about covers everything - where did you say were going for lunch again?”

The Pokermanager – ROYTHEPLOY

The PM’s are getting exited as they wake from the morning siesta, not since that bloke who once had a walk on part in casualty paid a visit has there been such a buzz in the air. PM1 speaks: “ROYTHEPLOY’s coming in for a meeting with the boss“, he says:, “We might even get an autograph”. PM2 Speaks: “Hope So, I can add him to all the other’s I got from the 100k greyhound freeroll”. PM1: “You better get it before the meeting then, coz I don’t think the boss is happy with him at the moment, he had 20 goes to qualify for the poker billions and didn’t get a seat, and he might not give u it later”. As RTP arrives to a pop-star welcome, he’s mobbed by an army of adoring PM’s, Each one smiling and staring lovingly at their hero, RTP is a nice chap, who’s happy to talk to, and sign autographs for the giggling PM’s, “So how do u play big slick then?”, PM2 asks. RTP: “Chuck it all-in preflop”. PM2: “Ahhh… so that’s the way”. RTP: “Yeah, Easy”. PM2: “What about JJ, I always struggle with that”. RTP: “Chuck it all-in, you don’t want that muther calling”. PM2: “KK?”. RTP: “Same”. PM2: “Cheers, You’re a goldmine of info, I bet all poker sites had wish they had a pro like you”. RTP: “Thanks, Now I gotta see Bert, I think he’s got some more freebies for me…..”

Salome the table stalker – No Reply

The 9.30am tourny is just 5 mins away, as Salome scans the lobby. He’s a sad excuse of a man who spends his days in chatrooms and playing internet poker. He doesnt have real friends except his cyberspace aquaintences, who all think hes actually a woman. This he reasoned, will get more people talking to him. He’s tried poker for a few years now without any success - he usually cant stay in one window long enough to know whats going on - so is now reduced to railbird status. “Hi m8”, he types into the chat window of his target, as soon as the game commences, but there’s no answer. “U there” he types after his mark has folded the first hand, still no reply. “U lost ur chat m8” he types 2 mins later, and then still can’t understand why theres no reply, hes not the sharpest tool in the box you see. He Tries Again: “Not Talking today…”. No answer. “U playing 2 games at once”, Nothing. He tries one last time “You won any dollars l8ly m8”, but this time there is a reply, “Shut the fcuk up, I told you no over the breakfast table…”

The Pokermanagers – Kinky’s problem

KinkyWarped arrives at Badjoke grove, hopefully to resolve a long running dispute. “What Exactly Do You Mean By Muff Tickling Tuppence Tugging Minge Kissing Ass Brained Fking Cretins” says a stunned Cleaner, “You Must be looking for Badjokes.com - 3 rd floor m8”. As he arrives at reception he’s still boiling, “Can I help you?” the receptionist says, to which Kinky replies: “Your Mother was fcuked by donkeys you company sh1tehouse”. The receptionist knows immediatley what he wants: “You Must be looking for our poker division, end of the corridor, 1 st right, just look for the sign that says WC, next to the canteen”. It was 4pm and the doors had only just opened - she didn’t need this kind of flak so early in the day. She Adds: “You can’t miss it, it’s the door with all the people outside it”. Upon taking his place in the Queue, Kinky can’t believe it, it’s like an anger management course crossed with a Tourets syndrome self-help group, each person swearing and more irate than the last. When it’s his turn to go in, he takes his place at the Urinal next to Bert who has a serious look on his face: “So you’re the guy who overloaded our FAX machine and email system are’nt you, tut..tut.., I keep telling ‘em to replace the ZX-80, but you know what bean counters are like…”. A gobsmacked Kinky, expecting Jeremy Beadle at any moment, Replys: “What About my problem, what the Fcuk are you gonna do about it you muff?”. Bert: “Errr…, Im sorry, I think its our customer Care department you want, but im afraid its switched off at the moment, do you think you can come back next week…”

NewBee & OldLag – Super System

OldLag has let NewBee borrow his well thumbed copy of super system. “Keep it for as long as you want, Its not done me any good” says OldLag wryly. “Whos that guy that wrote it again?” enquires NewBee, “Doyle Brunson” replies OldLag, “it’s the book all the pros have read, a lot of it aint relevent but you will find some good stuff there”. NewBee: “Wasn’t he the guy who was in the professionals with that bodie guy?”. OldLag: “Bloody hell, are you trying to wind me up?” NewBee: “Just thought Id ask, a lot of actors play poker these days, I saw it at the start of oceans 11 and in them celeb games on challenge”. OldLag: “He won back to back world titles in the seventies, he’s a legend of the game, sort of like Bobby Charlton is at football”, NewBee: “Oh Right, did he play on the internet as well?”. OldLag: “Fking hell, they didn’t have the internet in the 70’s it was Live only”. Pondering this information, NewBee Asks: “I heard that poker on the internet is totally different to live play”. At Last, a sensible comment, to which OldLag says: “Yeah it is, people don’t usually just burn all there chips playing stupidly live, cos the next game aint just a mouse click away”. NewBee Thinks for a while: “So Your lending me a 30 year old book, which aint relevent, by a guy I never heard of, and you call me a muppet” OldLag: “Now you put it that way yeah, I suppose I must be”. NewBee: “U got anything written by Gus Hansen?”

ScandiRays - Nice Fold

If there's one guy you don’t want at your table its ScandiRays, he’s the one player all others fear most. Everone knows him and has played against him at some time, and he’s unplayable. If you raise, he re-raises big time, if you check, then that just encourages him more, and the only thing more frightening than his raise, is when HE checks (which doesn’t happen often), he’s a sort of ‘Rock’ In reverse, a betting machine. The worst thing though, is knowing that when you finally look him up, he WILL have the goods, You are scared and he knows you are. He comes from Allinkoping, a hotbed of poker in Sweden where the number of casinos per capita is only surpassed by the suicide rate - you can’t figure it out - but What you do know, is don’t tangle with ScandiRays, coz you always play for everything when he’s got a live hand and he cant be bluffed. Its not about Poker for him, he gets HIS jollys by making you feel foolish, inadequate, and as impotent as a Nuclear Power worker everytime you fold - which is most of the time. A typical conversation after he makes you muck your hand yet again by using his powerhouse tactics would be: ScandiRays: “Nice Fold”, Reds: “Ty, I was scared - wot u av”. ScandiRays: “52 off”, Reds: “Nice Bet, I had KK”. Im telling u this so you don’t blow your bankroll against this nutter, if you have a choice, avoid ScandiRays at all costs, don’t end up Frightened, broke and Dissilusioned like poor Reds did.

The Pokermanagers – New Certificate

Its time for badjokes.com to have a meeting with Vice Slaughterhouse & Blooper, the auditors of their RNG (Random Number Generator) system to make sure all is fair and above board, and to ensure the cards are being dealt correctly. Its never been done before, because Bert just assumed a photo-copy of a forgery, bought in a shanty town in Soweto would be good enough to pacify everyone. “Hahahahaa” says PM1, “who’s bright idea was that?”. PM1: “I dunno, but some of us will have to go to South Africa to buy a real one”. PM3: “Is it a cruise job to get there then?”. PM1: “yes, think so, u wanna go?”. PM3: “Yes plz, Can I take my wife and dog?”. PM1: “Don’t see it as a problem m8, Bert always does, and you know his policy of leading by example”. A total of 6 assorted PM’s, along with wives/girlfriends and assorted pets, board the Oricana, taking a relaxing 3 weeks to get there via the caribbean. As soon as the ship docks, several representative’s of VSB are waiting, to provide an armed guard to their office, buried deep in the rebel townships, eventually ending up at the accommodation address located inside Mandella house. “Uncle Bert!!!” says Price, the keyholder of the premises, “Good Trip?”. Bert: “Yes Tx, but I’ll feel much better after some lunch and few beers”. Price: “Do you want to stop off at the market now or later to get your new certificate”. Bert: “Theres plenty of time for work later, lets just enjoy ourselves first…”

TheChiseler – Comeback

Its been a year or two since Julian ‘TheChiseler’ backgarden was in the limelight on the WSOP, he’s now skint and reduced to grabbing what he can in the odd internet game, as well as the weekly £2 rebuy with his chums at his squat in Mosside. “Aaaarrriiiite arrrr kiiidddd” each Liam Gallagher clone says as he arrives, depositing assorted weaponry, drugs, porn and cheap booze on the kitchen Tea-Chest, next to the filthy waddington’s playing cards & bottle tops they use for chips. It’s a hole, but He needs all the practice he can get, because this year he hopes to be back up there with the big boys. “I got just t’man for u Chiseler, met him down t’strip club t’other night”, his m8 Gutshot growls, adding: “he’s called Bazza Earn, u heard of him?, he can turn chit into shinola that guy, he’s coming over for a few Bevvies and a game, in fact that’s him at the door now….”. In Walks Bazza, diamond rings glistening in the light of the 40w bulb. “Trust Me” are his first words, grinning from ear to ear, “I’m the man for the job”. Chiseler: “What can you do for me then our kid?”. Bazza gently slaps TheChiseler on the cheek in true godfather style and says: “Whatever you want my son, but one day I may ask a favour in return”. TheChiseler becomes instantly suspicious: “I aint fighting that Frank Bruno in that comeback fight ur planning our kid”. Bazza: “Course Not son, sign here first and I’ll tell ya later…..”

The Pokermanagers – Routine Maintenance

“Who broke the routine maintenance button?” laughs PM1 over brunch, “Someone did, and I wanna know who”. Its 11am and the PM’s have got into work early today coz theres live tractor pulling on SkyTV later, It’s Bulgaria v Romania and they never miss it. PM2 shuffles his sun-lounger: “Errrr… I think It may be me, im sorry but it just fell off when I pressed it during the 50k guaranteed tourny last night”. PM1: “Im not gunna give u a bollocking, its just that Bert asked and I gotta tell him something”. PM2: “can’t u just blame the French or Spanish”. PM1: “We did that the last 50 times, the boss wants us to be more creative”. PM3: “Can’t we just say we did it for the addicts own good” PM1: “Good idea, but I don’t think all those players who lost $100 or more will see it that way”. PM3: “What about if we nip out to Radio Shack and buy another, we can have it fitted within a few weeks”. The rest of the PM’s have a horrified look on there faces, no-one wants to speak, but PM1 feels like its his duty to inform the newcomer of ‘company policy’. PM1: “Use your head m8, that costs money, we cant be dipping into the company coffers on a whim” adding: “if we spent cash on new hardware everytime someone complained where would that leave us?”. PM2 interjects “Just think about your profit share m8”. PM3 starts laughing: “I mustv left my brain on the bus this morning”. It only takes 2 more hours until a decision is reached. PM1: “Gaffer tape it is then…..”

the_mother – Normal Day

beep.beep.beep….beep.beep.beep…. its 6.45am and the_mother’s eyes open. It’s just another normal day for this singleton, it’s the same story the world over, Kids to dress and feed, house to clean, washing & ironing to do, it’s a never ending job, made harder when theres no partner to share the workload, but first its a game of internet poker. Theres just time for a coffee and a cigarette before her first MTT of the day starts. “Chelsea”, she shouts up the stairs, “Change our Britney’s nappy will ya, and give her some pop and choccy from the fridge for breakfast”. Chelsea: “Ok mum” the 6 year old replies, adding: “Then do you want me do drop her off at Mr Glitters house next door so he can babysit while your ‘working’”. the_mother: “Yes thanks love, and ask him if he can drop you off at school again as well”. It takes a while for the toddler to carry her little sister down the stairs, but she’s done quite well today, only dropping the little’un once. “Have you got my dinner money mum?” asks Chelsea. the_mother replies: “Errrrr.. Sry luv, im a bit short this week”. Chelsea: “I forgot to tell ya, mum, our Britney’s been trying to say her first words all week long, I think she’s trying again now”. the_mother: “Be right over luv soon as I finish here”. The_mother makes it through the first hour of the tourny to the 5 min break, grabs another smoke and coffee, then hurrys her way to the old dog basket before the game restarts. “mmmm” the nipper says, “mmmuuuu..” she gurgles. Chelsea, by now getting exited squeeks: “mummy, mummy, shes gonna talk mummy, I think she recognises you”. A proud the_mother leans over the makeshift crib as baby Britney utters her first words: “Mmmmuuuppet”. The_mother: “Ahhh, aint she sweet, she’s gunna be a chip off the old block…..”.

NewBee & OldLag – Lingo

NewBee has started to really get into this poker malarky, its basically taken over his life, and he can’t get enough of it. When working he’s thinking about it, when he’s not playing he’s watching it on telly, and when its time for bed he’s reading poker books till he falls asleep. All his conversations are poker related, and next years holiday to Vegas is already booked, much to the disappointment of his wife and kids whom he promised to take to Centreparcs. He’s obsessive, He’s got the ‘bug’ bad style. NewBee’s picking up a lot of poker lingo too, and uses it whenever possible. NewBee: “What do you think about Flat Calling with Ajax under the gun?” he asks, “Or do you think I should overbet the pot indicating strengh?”. Its 7am in the morning and the rest of the bus queue are getting upset. “Are You some kind of nutter?” says the driver, adding: “Where did you want to go again?, hospital was it m8?”. NewBee doesn’t know for sure what all this slang means, but it sounds good, and it impresses players newer to the game than he is. His latest phrase is “pot odds” which he uses all the time, he’s got a rough idea what it’s about, and it sounds just the excuse he needs to justify calling any bet. “Im All-In” says OldLag, holding the Arnold Schwarzenegger of starting hands. “I Call”, Says NewBee after a full 2 seconds thinking time, bouncing around like Phil Hellmuth on acid, slamming his monster J 10 offsuit on the table. He’s a bit disappointed to see AA, but still exited. NewBee: “Nice American Airplanes”. OldLag: “How the Hell can you put all ur chips in with Jack High so early in the game?”. NewBee: “I was getting good pot-odds, I thought you knew all about that stuff?”. OldLag: “You’re Only getting even money and you’re miles behind, how can that be good pot odds m8?, you should leave the ganja alone and shut the fcuk up?”. NewBee: “No… It’s a decent pot and J 10 is a good Drawing hand, don’t you know anything?”. (‘Drawing Hand’ Is another new phrase he’s Just picked up). OldLag: “If you say so m8, now give us a flop”. 3 cards appear on the board and theres no help for Oldlag, but NewBee Catches a 10. NewBee: “Now I have more ‘outs’”. OldLag: “True, 2 more m8” he says sarcastically. The turn is blank, OldLag feels better coz he knows his buddy is an even longer shot, but’s secretly worried he may lose this one. After all, he’s been shafted on the river like Ned Beatty in Deliverence more times than he can remember, and just prays he aint gunna squeal like a pig again. NewBee, fueled by a heady mix of alchohol and drugs shouts: “Cmon Baby, 10 or a Hook, 10 or a Hook”. he screams: “Just One Time Baby, Just One Time...”, to the bemusement of the pigeon fanciers having a meeting in the tap room. Of course the River is another 10. “I Read ya Right” smirks NewBee, Scooping the chips, “I Put you on ‘Overcards’ and that’s what you had”. OldLag: “What can I say, Im well gutted?”. NewBee: “Just accept I outplayed ya… btw, can u do the dealing, and go to the bar for us now that your out m8….”

the_mother – Kindred Spirit

Its 3.25pm, and the_mother is online as usual, she’s forgotten pick young Chelsea up from school again, and she hasn’t looked in on baby Britney all day, who’s being cared for by Mr Glitter the babysitter next door. She’s been too busy chatting to another female poker player who’s in a similar situation to her. the_mother: “How Do we manage to fit everything in?”. Citybabe2: “We’re just not appreciated at all”. The_mother: “We cook, wash, iron, clean, put food on the table…” Citybabe2: “We play internet poker….”. the_mother: “Yeah, lol, maybe we don’t do the cooking/washing/ironing and stuff, but we do bring in the dollars”. Citybabe2: “Errr…. Yeah, course we do”. the_mother: “You must be coining it it by now, wot with all the wins u keep having?”. Citybabe2: “Errr…..” The_mother: “How much was it last year, the badjokes.com poker site said u was really raking it in” Citybabe2: “Errr…Well……” the_mother: “I read in ‘The Scum’ it was quarter of a mill”. Citybabe2: “u shudnt believe everything u read in the paper”. The_mother: “Well, how much was it then?” Citybabe2: “Ok Ok, if you must know, I bumped into Bert from badjokes.com in the bar at the University freeroll, he was looking for ideas on how to encourage more housewives to gamble, he took a few photos of me, and before I knew it, I was a target for all the high-rollers on the net”. The_mother: “So what did he pay you?” Citybabe2: “Nothing, but he did say he would buy me lunch next time I was in Gibraltar…”

The pokermanagers - Promotions

The closing date approaches for the badjokes.com poker billions, advertised throughout europe for 6months as ‘exclusive to internet qualifiers only’. The trouble is, it hasn’t generated the expected interest or revenue, and with 8 places still unsold, Bert is starting to get worried, so brings in his m8, cockney ‘troubleshooter’ Bazza Earn to sort it out. Bert: “Im gunna be a laughing stock and 120k in the hole by the end of the month, there gunna have my balls on a platter”. Bazza looks incredulously at Bert and says: “Just say it’s a typo m8, change the wording on the web-site to say ‘as usual we will have 8 pro and celebrity players’ and buy your way out of trouble”. Bert: “The porkies dont worry me, it’s the fact I took a flyer by diverting the customer care budget for added prize money as well”. Bazza: “Ok then, how about it if you run a ladders promo and offer a million quid as first prize, by the time they realise it’ll take decades to finish, there gunna be too busy complaining to remember the billions fiasco”. Bazza then confidentley adds: “in the meantime, think of all the intrest u get on the cash, and When it all finally does go tits-up, just offer em a token refund”. Bert: “Ur a bloody living Genius m8, but I don’t think we’re gunna make the guarantees for the NO-COP season either?”. Bazza: “Offer em 50 bucks just to turn up for the weekly finals, when the lab rats think its easy money they’ll come flooding in”. Bert: “You make perfect sense m8, ur worth every million of that retainer”. Bazza: “U need help with the cruise too?”. Bert winks and says: “That’s one promo I DO know how to sort out….”

The Pokermanagers – Target Practice

In a bid to stem the declining number of high-stakes players at badjokes.com, the pokermanagers hold an extraordinary meeting during the mid-morning tea-break. It’s extraordinary, mainly because most of the PM’s have woken up so early, and secondly because PM1 has draughted an agenda. He’s understandably concerned that if profits dip, it will cut down on the freebies, so reading from the back of his cigarette packet speaks first. PM1: “We gotta discuss our T&C’s.”. PM2: “You mean, those buttons we press sometimes marked ‘official’”. PM3 quickly joins in: “lol - You mean The ones we use for target practice with the pea shooters?”. PM1: “Yeah, that’s them”. PM3 then proudly announces: “I got 3 bulls-eyes last week while I was reading some complaints from a kid called PinkLloyd, he was a bit p1ssed off coz he lost his dinner money or something”. PM1: “how did u handle it?”. PM3: “I Just kept popping away until I hit one a few times”. He then adds boastfully to the rest of the room: “I got 3 bulls in 4 days!!!”. PM1: “Then wot?” PM3: “He mustv got the message we couldn’t give a chit by now, were pokermanagers not nursemaids”. PM1: “Good work m8, you got a bright future at badjokes.com…..”

The Pokermanagers – Promises

Its time for the monthly office lottery, and the PM’s are all stood round waiting. Theres no buzz in the air, no chatting, no-one saying “I hope its me today”, in fact the only crossing of fingers you get, are from those desperate to lose, coz the prize is ‘forum duty’ for a day. This is the worst job a PM can have, and the only way to allocate it is by a draw. They would all rather be bog cleaning on ‘A Life of Grime’ than this, coz it means they have to answer some serious questions and make some promises they know wont be kept. To make it fair to all, they use a feed from the poker RNG to decide who gets the job, and as Bert is about to press the button announces “GL everyone”. The numbers flash, and in an instant up it comes. Bert: “This months lucky winner is…. PM7”. Everyone whoops with delight except a crestfallen PM7 who gasps: “Not Again… Why is it always me?, that’s 6 straight months now!!”. Bert: “Tough Break m8, that’s just the way it goes”. PM7: “But its just not fair, you rigged it”. Bert: “U accusing me of something?”. PM7: “Errrr, No I’m just disappointed To Win Again”. Bert: “Good, coz ur not gunna be happy next month either…..”

Scaley the agony aunt – Solution

“I wonder how many questions I can answer today” thinks Scaley as he makes his way to the www.best-foot.com web-site office. Its not HIS office really, its his PC at work, but who’ll know the difference?, not his dumb pr1ck of a boss, that’s for sure, and the poker junkies don’t care, why should they?, there all playing on-line from work too, and couldn't give a monkeys toss anyway. After his usual smoke, coffee, and read of ‘poker news’ while taking a forest gump, he grins as he boots up the PC and gets down to business. First up is a young lady who asks: “Dear Scaley, My husband is obsessed with poker. He comes to bed grumpy after losing every night, and im not getting any conjugals, Were on the verge of a divorce, what do you think I should do?”. Scaley carefully considers his reply: “Dear mrsgrudge, I think you should inform your husband not to get into too many 50/50 situations for all his chips, coz even if he’s marginal favourite he still risks getting outdrawn. His position at the tables will then start improving, and Hey Presto!, so will yours in bed. If by any chance this doesn’t work, here’s my phone number…”. He Clicks The ‘Send’ Button thinking, “Ahhh, another satisfied customer…”

The Pokermanagers – Clock

It’s 11.59 GMT in the ‘customer care’ department, and the PM’s, are hard asleep when the office lunch bell rings. PM2 wakes first, yawning and stretching, but when he looks at the clock he does a double-take, and shaking PM1 on the shoulder gasps: “Is that the right time m8?”. As PM1 slowly leaves the land of nod, he glances over using his one open eye: “Bloody hell ur right, it’s fast again!”. PM2: “we gotta get it fixed, it’s been wrong for 2 years now, how are we supposed to get enough company rest?”. PM1 yawns: “I keep leaving messages on the engineers bulletin board about it, I expected a reply by now!”. PM2: “U know wot hardware’s like, a lazy set of jobsworths to a man”. PM1: “yeah, they wuouldn't know proper work if it landed on their heads”. After a prolonged moan, PM1 says: “suppose I better check my inbox, u never know…”. As he quickly skims over the unread month old emails, each containing subject titles such as: “Im Angry”, “Please Reply”, “Important” and “Bug Found”, he finds one from the Engineers Titled: “Clock Problem”. A double click later he reads the reply: “Please address all individual queries direct to our support desk…”.

NewBee & OldLag – U Shocked Me

“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you do that” says NewBee after the cards go over once again. To set the scene, Its an un-raised pot, the flop is 3 6 7 and 2-suited, giving OldLag 4 to a flush, an inside str8 draw, and an overcard with his Q4 clubs. He bet the flop on a semi-bluff from the big blind, and NewBee Went All-In over the top. After a bit of deliberation OldLag reckons he’s up against a pair, but has a lot of outs. If he loses, he’s still well in the game, plus he’s getting 3/1 on his money. OldLag: “I Call, watcha got?”. NewBee flips his 5 8 over, giving him an open ended str8 draw only. OldLag Enquires: “What do you mean by ‘first time ever’ m8?”. NewBee: “You keep saying you like to get your chips in with the best hand”. A relieved OldLag retorts: “I Just Have m8, Queen high’s winning….”. NewBee: “No... that’s not what I meant, you usually have top pair at least…”. OldLag: “So all this time you’ve been calling my All-Ins and raises, you usually expected me to have a better hand than u?”. NewBee: “Errr.. Normally u have a good hand, yeah”. OldLag: “Do you realise what u just said?”. NewBee, now beginning to feel his argument crumbling says: “Never Mind, Forget It, deal the cards”. The Jack of clubs falls on the turn To OldLag’s delight, giving him the nut flush. NewBee: “You’ve really shocked me tonight m8, I might have to re-think my strategy against u…”.

TheGrudge – miracle

At long last TheGrudge emerges from his 3rd lifetime chat ban, he’s been warned by the PM’s that ‘They mean it this time’, and another breach will result in him serving yet another lengthy 3 month sentence. The PM’s are anxious, because badjokes.com are currently running a ‘Religeon’ promo, aimed at getting more clergy gambling online, and they don’t want him to queer the pitch. As the freeroll starts, TheGrudge looks at the various alias’s: “Pastor_69, HolyGrail007, BobRuncie1, what kind of fking muppets are these?” he thinks, “There gunna need divine intervention by the time I finish with ‘em”. The game gets underway, and TheGrudge calls in mid-position with a pair of 6’s, hitting a set of the flop. It’s checked to him, and he bets out, getting called by Vatican1, with all others folding. The turn is no apparent help, so he fires another shot, getting smooth called yet again. “Easy money” he thinks when the river pairs the board, giving him a full boat, so he quickly puts his last remaining chips into the middle. After a long wait, Vatican1 calls, but hang-on…., there’s no immediate showdown, instead a 6th, then a 7th community card falls, giving his papal opponent a bigger house. “WTF is this?, whats going on?” he types, “You robbed me u god botherering muppet”. After a short pause Vatican1 replies: “Veni Vidi Vici, kiss my ring plop boy”. As a distraught grudge starts dialling customer services for an explanation, he watches the chat on the table. actionjohn: “Watch ur step ur holiness, didn’t u read my biography?, I perform the miracles, but I gotta say turning fishes into bread is a nice twist…”

The Pokermanagers – Tipster

It’s almost the time of the big race meeting, and in a flash of inspiration Bert has hit upon an idea of how to prise more cash from the fingers of the poker Junkies. He reasons: “Poker is gambling, racing is gambling, why not combine the two?”, so books a quick chat with badjokes.com financial guru Bazza ‘In Cash We Trust‘ Earn, to formulate a plan. Bert: “So if I read ya right Bazza, we get someone who reckons he’s in the know putting Tips on the forum to stimulate interest in our races”. Bazza: “Yeah m8, get him to stick a few pins in the form guide, and when all his ‘selections’ lose, we might make some dollars on the nags no-one else’ll touch”. Bazza grins: “It’s gotta be someone who don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground tho, and don’t forget, he’s gunna need skin like a rhino after this…”. Bert slaps his forehead: “I got just the man m8, SadMarty would fit the bill perfect, he’s always posting his madcap ideas anyway”. Bazza: “How much will he want?”. Bert starts laughing: Nothing!! - He keeps asking me how he can be of service, I’ll tell him this is his chance”. Bert lifts his mobile: “I’ll give him a bell straight away”. Flicking through his contacts, he looks under ‘P’ for patsy, and starts dialling, but unfortunatley connects with an answer machine: “Hi, Its SadMarty Here, livin’ breathin’, walkin’, talkin’ poker god and horse racingTipster, if you wanna leave me a message, try the badjokes.com forum”. Bert turns to Bazza giving him the thumbs up: “Good News m8, He’s started already……”

ScandiRays – Freeroll

There's only one thing on ScandiRays mind as he shovels the snow from his driveway in Allinkoping, carefully parking up his Volvo for the night: “Why can’t all tournys be freeroll’s” he wonders, “I’d be the happiest man alive”. There's just time to eat his smorgasbord while catching his favourite skin-flick, ‘Viking Gang-Band XXXIV’, which is sandwiched between the cartoons and early evening news. “I’ll have to give the sauna a miss tonight” he thinks, as the lights dip. He always knows when it’s nearly time to play, coz the extra demand on the power grid usually overloads the system when the rest of the town switch on their PC’s. He’s been considering a slight change in strategy all-day, and is still undecided: “Maybe sticking to basics and having a go first-hand is better after all” he muses, “If I leave it to the second hand, that’ll put me on a below average stack, and I don’t want to risk giving a chip advantage”. As the tourny starts, he quickly checks the locations of the other players at his table, and is surprised to find that there are 2 Brits seated. “Ahh Crap” he thinks, “I aint gunna get any calls them, that’s 3k I’m down already….”

NewBee & OldLag – Luck

“If u wanna catch a fish, u gotta go to the river m8” smirks NewBee, after imparting yet another horrendous 5th street outdraw. OldLag replies curtly: “Your the poker equivalent of Gregory Peck, fking optimistic I’ll say that for u”. NewBee starts laughing: “Wasn’t he Capt. Ahab in Moby dick?, I thought he hooked his whale”. OldLag: “Yeah he did, but be warned m8, the whale took him down in the end”. OldLag’s losing it, and has started to get agitated, he’s wound up tighter than a grandfather clock, coz it seems like every game he suffers big-time in a crucial pot like this. OldLag states: “If luck ever evens itself out your screwed m8”. NewBee needs no thinking time to give his well practiced stock response: “We all get lucky from time to time, it’s part of the game”, adding: “Anyway, wot about YOUR luck?, I didn’t c u complaining when you flopped top pair, you were only too happy to get ur chips in then!!”. OldLag: “I just can’t believe you called my bets all the way with bottom peg, it’s like u knew what was coming”. NewBee: “You gotta take chances m8, like I told u, sometimes you hit a card, sometimes u don’t”. OldLag: “20/1 is more than a chance, it’s a fking miracle the way you keep doing it”. NewBee: “Well the way I see it, is YOU got lucky on the flop, and I got lucky on the river, I can’t see your Problem m8, Like they say, luck evens itself out…”

The Pokermanagers – Investment From Punters

To evaluate their ‘investment from punters’ philosophy, the badjokes.com team are having a meeting with financial impresario Bazza ‘Money Talks’ Earn, to discuss the success of the plan. The dough has really started to roll in this year, with a record number of new accounts, which has led to a larger profit share, more corporate days out, and freebies for all, In fact the stockpile of free merchandise is so large, they have to resort to giving them away to rival poker sites, coz there ain’t much space left in the shoebox they call an office, and it’s hiding all the phones, PC’s, and customer care buttons. When Bert announces a net profit of one Billion pounds sterling, there’s more backslapping and congratulations than an arse lickers convention, and each pokermanager has a broad grin on his face as Bert opens the meeting: “Well done every1” he says, peering over the top of a pile of ‘Rounders’ DVD’s, “we hit our targets this year, but that’s no reason to get complacent, Bazza has some ideas how we can make even more money next year - I’ll let him tell you in person!”. Bazza needs assistance to help him stand on top of the thousands of sleeve’s of branded poker chips, mainly due to the weight of his wallet affecting his balance, but he eventually manages it, then speaks. Bazza: “Now that we’ve sucked in loads of new low limit players, we can squeeze even more dollars off ‘em by charging 50% rake on the small buy-in STT’s. Most of ‘em won’t have tried other poker sites yet, and have no idea its high, they’ll think its normal”. Bert interjects adding: “by the time word gets around and they do drift away, we’ll have made a killing, and by then there’s always more addicts to take there place…”. Bazza: “You said it Bert, BTW can I ‘borrow’ these chips for a new tourney I’m promoting?”. Bert laughs, waving the back of his hand towards the numerous boxes. Bert: “Course u can m8, take as many as u want, your ideas paid for ‘em in the first place”. Bazza clicks his fingers, and within seconds several henchmen walk in, immediatley removing the goodies. Bert turns round then addresses the meeting, and in his most serious tone says: “If u all Take Notice and learn from this man guys, you’ll go a long way in the poker business….”

TheGrudge – private table

TheGrudge has applied to the badjokes.com pokermanagers to see if he can have a private table named after him, playable only by those who have, or are currently serving a chat ban. He doesn’t expect a reply, but the PM’s decide to allow it, on the basis that it’s a chance to rehabilitate those offenders who ‘promise to be good this time guv, honest!’. The PM’s are willing to give ‘time off’ a sentence for anyone who behaves, and after all, if they’re all sat on the same table, who’s gunna complain or get upset?. As a precaution, the PM’s have given the table a triple ‘X’ rating, also posting a warning on the forum, asking people not to watch if they’re easily offended. Its nearly game time, and all the big hitters are there, including drawski1, KinkyWrap, and Irate_001. This game has also broken the record for the largest number of observers ever, coz most of the 5,000+ folk watching have been insulted by at least one of the entrants at some time or other, and this is a chance for revenge. The PM’s have permitted ‘Goading by railbirds’, to give the players a taste of what it’s like from the other side, and with 10 mins until ‘kick-off’, the badwill messages are already coming in thick and fast, but these guys are seasoned profesional abusers, so take scrupulous notes on some of the more colourful sexual suggestions for future use. As the game begins, TheGrudge opens up his campaign with a general comment about self-eroticism, loosely aimed at anyone who will listen, but Kinkys having none of this soft play, and immidiatley re-raises with an insult directly targeted towards TheGrudge, moving all-in with accusations about illegal oral love-making to donkeys, which easily takes the first pot. Irate_001 and drawski1 both quickly realise that they’re out of there depth, and instinctively know there gunna have to take a passive role, hoping to scoop a pot if they sense weakness, but all they can do at the moment is learn from the masters. Within minutes, tempers are really boiling, and theres a multi-way showdown, with KinkyWrap bulldozing them all using his vast experience of abuse. TheGrudge isn't impressed to finish 2nd in his favourite ‘Tourny’, but still types the best congratulations he can muster: “WD u fking lucky moron, u out-swore me again….”

Scaley the agony aunt – bad run

It’s Monday morning 10.30am, as Scaley parks his sponsored Reliant Robin in the office car park. He’s a bit jaded after playing 8 x 100k tourneys simultaneously on different sites last night, and he dreads Monday’s the most, coz he knows his inbox will be full of the week-end’s usual moans about bad beats, outdraws, and other P1ss piddly little problems sent to him by the internet poker community. “they all seem to be looking for either ‘the Secret’, or just to let off steam” he thinks, as he cheerfully deletes 50 messages from ‘thebodger’ unread. He’s got into the habit of cutting and pasting standard replies to most of them (an idea he got from the badjokes.com pokermanagers), but the one he’s currently reading doesn’t fit neatly into any specific mailshot, so knows he must answer it the old fashioned way. “Dear Scaley, I’ve been playing poker for some years now, and just can’t seem to win enough. I’ve won ‘who’s yer Daddy’, the 50k, the ‘Sunday Brunch’ and a load of other MTT’s, but can’t seem to make any real headway in the game. I’m only pulling in 10k per week and don’t think it’s enough, so please advise where I’m going wrong”. It’s a tuff one this, coz Scaley knows exactly what this poor chap’s going through, and how frustrating it can be when your on bad run, so feels he needs to tread carefully to avoid hurting this guy’s feelings. Scaley: “Dear PinkLloyd, I think that most recreational players such as yourself would be content with winning this sort of dosh, but as much as you want to win everything, it’s impossible. I feel it’s just a confidence issue, so suggest a break for a month or two, then build yourself back up gradually, starting again on the play tables, freerolls and cheap $1 multis. Hopefully you will come back refreshed, hit some form, and put all the bad chit behind u”. As the email wings its way into cyber space ‘Our Trisha’ (as he’s commonly known) smiles as he rolls a celebratory tab, thinking: “That’s one addict less to worry about for a while…..”

The Pokermanagers – house player

After years of denying they use ‘Robots, Shills (whatever they are), or house players, the Badjokes.com team decide to legally employ a resident ‘Online Pro’ and after looking down his shortlist of one, Bert lifts the hotline to his buddy: “Hiya Reds, how’s the company crib we gave ya’, I hope the caribbeans not too hot this time of year” he jokes. Reds: “It’s fine m8, but I’m not too happy ‘bout the size of the pool or sauna, although the servants, snooker table and Lear jet are excellent”. Bert: “I’ll sort it out soon m8, now I got a proposition for ya, are u interested in coming aboard full-time’?, theres a lot more perks and the conditions are gr8, it also means we don’t have to pretend any more”. Reds: “Waddya mean, I like things as they are, who’s to know?”. Bert: “Some of the junkies are getting suspicious coz u and ur dad always get more freebies than anyone else, take the cruise and corporate days out for instance, it’s starting to look a bit dubious when u both keep scooping the cash as well”. Reds doesn’t like change (or work for that matter) so answers curtly: “Nah m8, ur wrong, they think we’re top players, and your gamblers expect it now, I even fooled logicman on that best-foot.com web-site he runs, even he thinks I’m a pro now as well”. Bert sniggers: “Take it from me m8, we gotta be careful, remember the saying about fooling some of the people some of the time, we gotta cover our ass’s”. Reds sighs: “Ok m8, what u got in mind….”. Bert: “nothing too taxing, just a few photo’s and an odd article to start, and we mite even book u a spot on ‘Dickhead and Judy’ l8r”. Reds: “Cool, Wots the pay?”. Bert: “Errrr…. Errrr….”, Reds: “Go On m8, don’t be shy”, Bert has to think quickly. Bert: “I’ll have to get back to ya on that, I think my phones gunna disconnect any second…”

The Pokermanagers – Abuse Tariff

To clarify the situation on ‘chat bans’, the PM’s are discussing the introduction of a ‘tariff’ of what to expect if you’re reported for abuse or ‘un-gentlemanly conduct’. “I think 3 weeks for using native scandanavian is a bit much m8” queries PM14, adding: “that puts it on a par with a minor slagging off, 95% of the junkies won't like that”. PM1: “There just gunna have to m8, once we publish this list that’s it!, we can’t go back on another policy again, we’ll look a right set of numptys”. Bert interjects “Yeah lads, just look at what happened all the times before, so lets get it perfect this time”. PM14: “ur right m8, credibility could be an issue here, but lets review the final guidelines once more before lunch”.

  • 1 day ban for chip dumping, cheating or collusion (only after a successful police prosecution)
  • 2 Week Ban for use of the word ‘Muppet’
  • 3 Week ban for talking scandanavian, or any minor slagging off such as “That’s what happens when cousins marry”
  • 4 Week ban for an intermediate slagging off with no recognised swear words, i.e “how could you call my All-in with 34 suited u moron”. Note: Tosser and D1ckhead fall into this category.
  • 3 month ban for a major slagging using the following words: cnut, w4nker, bstard, fcker or tw4t. (prefixing the above words with ‘Lucky’ is optional).
  • 1 year ban for 2 offences within the same rolling year.
  • Lifetime Ban for 3 offences within the same rolling year.
  • Actual ‘We Mean It this time’ Lifetime ban for 3 previous ‘lifetime’ bans or if we think ur a PIA.
Bert: “Looks good m8, very professional”. PM14: “I think we should also add ‘Any of the above At the pokermanagers Discretion’ for when we’re in a good mood”. Bert smiles at his new protege: “Now that’s what I like fella, sensible suggestions…”

Wurly_69 - Fairytale

“Can u tell me a fairy story dad” yawns Wurly_69’s nipper as he tucks her into bed, eagerly adding: “Can I have one about a monster?”. It’s mid-event, so he has to be quick. Wurly_69: “Course I can luv, do u want one about a nasty scandi troll and an unlucky poker player?”. The kid sits bolt upright: “No, not those one’s, there too rude, and they always have the same ending, can u tell me another?”. Wurly_69 is flummoxed: “Errr… I don’t know many others luv, but I’ll try if u want”. The kiddy lays back in bed: “do u promise not to swear?”. Wurly: “lol, yeah, anyway, there was once this muppet...” Kid: “Heard It, another plz..”. Wurly: “ohh, ok. Once upon a time in Allinkoping..” Kid: “Heard that too..”. Wurly sighs: “Crapola, Ok, in a town far far away named Stockholm, There was this lucky bstard...” Kid: “DAD, u told me that as well…”. By now Wurly’s ‘On the edge of tilt’, coz he’s getting blinded out of the tourny fast, but is eager not to fail as a father too: “Ok luv, last try”. Wurly takes a deep breath: “There once was a poor man called Wurly, who was invited to Ceasars palace to play with king Smellmuff and all his friends, they wanted him there, coz he was the best and nicest poker player ever. They were all looking forward to it, but the king quicky changed his mind, when he realised that Wurly wasn’t the nice guy everyone thought he was, coz Wurly skinned him alive, stole his crown, and walked off will all his money, and then..” The Kid interrupts: “Aww dad, that’s fking ridiculous, at least put a bit or realism in it….”

The Pokermanagers - Syndicate

It’s 3am, and a meeting is brewing in the marina car park. A driver flashes his car headlights as he circles the perimeter once, before joining a shadowy figure smoking cuban cigars in the middle. The guy waiting is the top Banana, the boss of all bosses, and he’s not a guy to be trifled with. “Greetings Don Bazza”, says Reds, respectfully kissing his diamond encrusted hand. Bazza immediately puts a finger to his lips, while Bert nods at the pokermanager bodyguards to begin the frisking. The PM’s are looking for concealed microphones and weapons, but instead only find familiar reciepts for freebies and compliments slips. Only after both Bazza and his top henchman Bert have been satisfied that Reds is on the level, is he allowed to speak: “My Syndicate need u to arrange an ‘accident’ in the Badjokes.com accounts department, we need u to make some company money disappear fast and permanently”. BazzaE nods knowingly: “How much is it this time?”. Reds: “We just need enough for a land based tourney plus expenses, a few thousand should do it”. Bazza considers the request for what seems like an age before giving his reply: “U know my usual terms son, 50% of all profits or it’s goodnight Vienna”. Reds try’s to make a joke: “It’s in Barcelona m8, not Vienna lol, that’s later on!”, but Bazza never jokes where a potential bungs concerned. BazzaE: “Let me make myself quite clear, you play with the fishes all day, if u don’t deliver this time, u’ll be sleeping with ‘em as well m8”. Reds starts shaking: “Pleeeeze Don Bazza, I beseech ya, don’t make me work the .10c/.20c fixed limit tables all night as well…”. Bazza laughs scornfully: “U know what u gotta do then!”. Reds: “Yeah, i better make the rest of the syndicate an offer they can’t refuse…”

The Pokermanagers – New Syndicate

It's 2pm in the afternoon when unofficial Badjokes.com pro ‘Reds’ rises from his pit after anuther unsuccessful nite grafting on the micro limit tables. “I gotta find an easier way to make a living” he muses, as he cracks the top off his first bottle of the day, I better give my m8 a bell to see wot he thinks. After a quick press of the speed-dial, he’s talking to the one and only Bazza ‘Money up-front’ Earn, a dubious underworld character, who no matter what the occasion can sniff out dollars quicker than a police dog can smell drugs. Reds: “Hi m8, I’m skint again, I just can’t make any wonga outta this poker racket, and ideas?. Bazza: “U’ve got a lot to learn son, the real money aint in actually playing poker, its taking cash from those that do, u gotta make sure that whatever the result, ur always a winner”. Reds looks blank: “How can I do that then m8?, no-ones gunna give me any money lol”. Bazza: “Wot about taking ur syndicate one step further, run some bigger tourneys then take a percentage in ‘admin’ costs plus a percentage of any winnings shud they get lucky, that’s my philosopy m8, and it’s never let me down yet, and im sure Bert will throw in your own personal pokermanager to run it for u”. Reds: “U truly are the master m8, but won’t I need a catchy slogan to draw em in”. Bazza: “Course u do son, something like ‘“poker riches for me are just a syndicate away” should do it…”

TheHerring – That’s naughty m8

“I’m Just off out to play mum”, shouts young Herring, as he grabs a big wedge of $100 Bills from the kitchen table, “I’ll be back in a couple of days”. MrsHerring is feeling a tad more comfortable these days about letting her ‘little Cherub’ go out on his own, coz he growing up fast. “Remember, Don’t play with any strangers”, she shouts as he’s skipping towards the door “I don’t want u coming home in a securicor van again, those guards looked at me Right funny when I asked ‘em to stack the wonga in the garden shed”. TheHerring chuckles: “It’s ok mum, I’m just going round to pokergirly’s house, he’s got some new moves to teach me”. A few minutes l8r, little Herring lets himself into his chum’s mansion, to find him engrossed in a book: “What’s that ur reading m8” he chirps. Pokergirly: “It’s called ‘Advanced Coffeehousing’, it’s the best read since Mike Cairo’s book of poker lies”. An Exited Herring says: “Oooooh, can I borrow it when you’ve done”. Pokergirly snaps back: “No, its not for kids, it’s an adult book, your dad would kill me”. TheHerring: “Well ur a kid, and you’ve got a copy, go on, can I have a butchers”. Pokergirly gives a sigh: “Well, I need to finish it first, I’ve only got as far as the ‘force-fold using Intimidation’ technique”. TheHerring: “That sounds really naughty m8, is it legal?”. Pokergirly: “Oh yeah, course it is, but u gotta be careful though, you gotta prefix everything with ‘If’”. TheHerring doesn’t understand: “Like what m8?” he quizzes. Pokergirly: “Well u can’t just say ‘I have AK, I’ll go All-In if u make a move on my blind, you gotta add the words ‘If’ to the start, but I aint quite mastered it yet”. TheHerring thinks for a moment: “Won’t that ruin ur reputation, won’t peeps think ur trying to cheat ‘em”. Pokergirly starts tutting: “Who cares, lol, when u grow up u’ll realise nothing matters but the money….”

The Pokermanagers - Loyal customers

“Whatever happened to the land based free trnys we was gunna give to the loyal addics m8?” enquires PM1. “lol – u really don’t know?” sniggers Bert as he lifts his head outta the racing post: “I diverted the cash to buy a nag for my m8 jezza nosedive, it’s gotta be more fun all round methinks”. PM1 laffs: “Not if ur a poker player who aint intrested in horses m8”. Bert appears indifferent: “I didn’t know anyone actually read or understood any of that bollox we write in the News section, ur not telling me sum1’s complaining coz it aint ‘free enough’ again are ya?”. PM1: “I glanced at the forum this morning m8, and saw the words ‘Racehorse Fiasco’, so guessed sum1 mustv”. Bert: “Wot did it say?”. PM1: “Dunno m8, cudnt be arsed to read it, just assumed u’d been caught with ur pants down again”. Bert: “lol – its my site and I can do wtf I want, when WILL those junkies get the message m8?” PM1 thinks awhile: “Probably at the end of the year after we run the ‘Glue factory’ freeroll m8, at least there gunna get some return…”

The Pokermanagers - Initiative

“We’re getting a load of complaints from the addicts again about bad beats”, moans PM2 after another marathon session answering emails from irate players, “there must be summat we can do, I mean I was so busy, my coffee went cold this afternoon”. PM2 laffs, “didn’t u use the canteen microwave to warm it up”, PM2: “Yeah, just after I reset the RNG like u told me to, I didn’t even know where it was, so had to go hunting round flicking all the switches one by one”. PM1: “Did u find it?”. PM2: “Think so, I reckoned it must’ve been the one next to the plug marked ‘Server’, was I right?”. PM1: “Crumbs…. I shudv told ya, I stuck the label on the wrong one and forgot to change it”. PM2 has a broad grin on his face: “Well u’ll be pleased to know I used my initiative for once, and flicked em both just to be sure”. PM1: “Phew, thanks m8, u cudv got me into a heap of chit, u’ve certainly got my nomination for employee of the month….”

The Pokermanagers - Thats a nice shirt !

“That’s a Nice shirt”, says PM14, as PM3 is admiring herself in the mirror, PM14: “mmmm paisley pattern on cheesecloth, with stripes and polka dots too, it really suits ya m8”, adding “Yeah, it’s also got that ‘racing car driver’ feel, wot with all those logo’s and advertising, I’m well impressed, where did u say u bought it again?”. PM3 taps her nose and proudly announces: “I didn’t pay full whack for it m8, I got it from Bazza’s m8, that ‘Reds’ guy, he’s trying to get a new clothing business off the ground and offered to cut his usual comission if I wear it every day”. PM14 starts howling: “Well he’ll certainly get sum publicity with that, I aint seen letters that big since Wham’s heyday”. PM3: “Yeah, it’s good innit, Reds’s reckons they’ll sell like hotcakes and be all the rage on the cruise, BTW have u seen the back?, its got my name on and everything”. PM14: “Nice One, but I’m not too sure about ur slogan”. PM3: “whats wrong with ‘some people work for a living, but I’m a pokermanager’”. PM14: “Nowt m8, but don’t let Bert catcha wearing it, that’s all…”

The Pokermanagers - Write-off

“What freebie’s have we got coming up?” enquires PM2 as he looks at the office calendar, “im a bit bored ATM m8, the WSOP’s finished, and its ages till the cruise”. PM1: “yeah, I know what ya mean, ROYTHEPLOY was asking the self-same thing t’other day, I said he could go to Portugal, but he doesn’t play golf, I think he wants a game of poker and was angling for a free buy-in somewhere, he told me that if we don’t fix him up soon, he’ll stop writing his reports for us”. PM2 narrows his eyes: “What reports are those m8?, I can’t remember any, I didn’t think he could even write, I just thought he was there to give us some ‘credibility’”. A deathly silence falls in the office, until one by one the laughing becomes contagious. As tears stream down his face, PM1 manages a spluttered: “u crack me up m8, I gotta tell Bert that one!”. “Tell Bert what?” says the boss as he enters the room, u aint broken the router again have u?”. PM1: “no m8, it aint been fixed from the last time, RTP is’nt happy that’s all, coz he aint had his snout in the trough this week and he’s getting jittery”. Bert sighs: “I wish u boys wud keep me informed, we got some dollars to write-off against tax, and were having a party at the Hilton next week, Bazza suggested we get some addicts down to make it look like company business, just ask RTP to pop along, a free p1ss-up shud keep him happy…”

Wurly_69 – Why’s daddy crying again?

“Why’s daddy crying again mummy?” whispers Wurly’s young kid, “I heard him scream something about a robbing scandi muther-fcker. - Is granny ok?”. MrsWurly shivers: “Errr…. Yes, course she is, it’s just daddy’s way of unwinding after work”, adding, “it’s his hobby dear!”. The innocent youngster thinks awhile: “So, when he shouts ‘I wish I could die’ he’s doing it for fun?”. MrsWurly knew the time would come when she has to answer difficult questions from her child, but is un-prepared, so wings it the best she can: MrsWurly: “Errr…, Course he’s having fun luvvie, he wouldn’t be doing it otherwise, now, would he?”. This doesn’t sit well with the toddler who queries: “When I'm having fun mummy, I laff, I don’t ask God to put me out of my misery, or promise my soul to Lucifer, I don’t understand!”. MrsWurly doesn’t know what the heck to say, so gives a standard parental response: “Go Ask Yer Dad, he can tell u better than me, he won’t mid ya disturbing him mid-scream, honest”. MrsWurly then shouts up the stairs “The Kid’s coming to bring ya some luck Wurly”. The young ‘un winds her way up the stairs, entering dad’s special padded room, and sit’s attentively at the PC, listening and talking while he’s engrossed in suffering the most outrageous beats. After the usual 4 hours pain, MrsWurly calls them both for tea: “Did u and daddy enjoy urselves?”, she laughs, while dishing out the beans on toast. The Kid takes a deep breath as she squeezes her pa’s hand: “Well, He was doing fking gr8 until some tosser busted his Hilton sisters with rags, even I was crying mummy!”, adding reflectively “I hope im not gunna be just like him when I grow up….”

TheGrudge - Bot

In order to give himself an edge, TheGrudge has been surfing the net looking for a suitable Poker ‘Bot’. He doesn’t only need the software to improve his chances, but requires an integrated chat facility to automate standard responses when he loses a pot. This he reckons will save time, and allow him to play more tables at once, so he can utilise his ‘skills’ to better effect. “Scandibot 1.0 Beta, mmm this looks just the ticket” he thinks, as he piles more debt on the credit card, “Only $299 dollars, It’s a bargain, it’ll pay for itself in days!!”. He quickly checks the settings, and finds the default chat options, overriding standard responses such as: “GL everyone” with “fcuk u all”, and “WP” with: “I’ll play ya HU for 10x ur usual stake, u lucky bstard”. This edition only allows a maximum of 5 standard responses, but it’s more than adequate for his needs. His first game of the day is a WSOP qualifier on an American site, so he exitedly clicks it into action, and watches the first hand. The Bot calls an UTG raise with 8 2 suited, and on a flop of AKK puts the rest of his chips In, eventually losing to a flopped house. “Fking yankee slimeball” the Bot types, quickly adding the standard HU challenge, but Instead of getting upset coz the Bot has lost his dollars on such a crap play, TheGrudge leans back smiling: “Ahhhh it’s learning fast, just like the advert said….”

The Pokermanagers - cull

"I saw a gr8 program on sky last nite boss” says PM1 , “It was all about culling animals for the betterment of the species as a whole, and it gave me sum gr8 ideas on how to improve the community spirit here on badjokes.com”. Bert rubs his chin: “u aint gunna waste my time with anuther madcap idea involving hitmen and poison umbrellas again are ya?”. PM1: “No m8, and it don’t involve bludgeoning to death with clubs this time either” he beams. Bert: “I better not hear the words axe, anthrax or housefire m8, coz im sick of reading that stuff in the suggestion box, I hope ur going to be more legal and creative”. PM1: “course m8, I just reckon a zero tolerance policy against criticizm and rude words wud work, I mean it didn’t do Hitler any harm did it?”. Bert shakes his head: “Fcuk me m8, the nazis lost, and if we did that there wudn’t be anyone left at all, We wanna get rid of the chaff not the whole goddam site, I mean now we’ve sold our B+B’s to those yanks, its all we got left!”. PM1 thinks for a while: “Can’t I just ban a few to test the water? I think cutting ‘em off mid tourny should send out a message were serious, and I’d like to start with that ‘rivhim’ guy, coz he really gets on my tits”. Bert: “Wot if he wants his money back and complains on the forum?”. PM1: “Errr, I spose we’ll have to ban him from that as well sooner or later, but one step at a time eh!”. Bert: “Ok m8, I’ll leave it in ur capable hands, just send me an email me when things start improving…”

DoleBhoy - Signing On

It’s 2.47pm and DoleBhoy is just awaking. A quick scratch of the balls, a quick reefer, and he’s back online again, refreshing his thirst with a can of McEwan’s export. “Bollox” he thinks, as he remembers today is signing-on day, “I better give ‘em a ring and tell ‘em I was looking for a job, or there’s no poker for me next week” he muses, as he dials the freefone number laughing. Brrr…Brrr… , Brrr…Brrr… “Hello, you have reached the DHSS hotline, Press 1 to increase ur bankroll, press 2 to dob in a m8, press 3…..”. DoleBhoy knows the drill by heart, and presses 1 before the automated response has time to finish. “Can I help u” says the young lady at the other end of the line. DoleBhoy: “Errr, yes, im sorry but I couldn’t make it to sign on today, coz I’ve been looking for a job, do I still get my dollars?”. There’s a pregnant pause before the girl answers, coz she recognises his voice: “Is that u again mr DoleBhoy?, I’m afraid not this time fella, our rules clearly stipulate that we can only stake you for 6 months before you have to show a profit, and according to our snoopers you’ve only been logged into badjokes.com for 7hrs per day on average, a clear breach of the rules”. DoleBhoy’s not happy: “It’s not fair, I’m trying my best Hen, honest!”. DHSSClone: “That’s what they all say, anyway we’ve got an interview lined up for you next Tuesday at Dusk Till Dawn Poker”. A stunned DoleBhoy can’t believe his ears: “I don’t wanna be a house player, or look after the bot’s”. DHSSClone: “It’s not a glamerous job I know, but if its good enuf for TheTodger its good enuf for you….”

The Pokermanagers - Cruise Budget

The staff at badjokes grove had to think long and hard before deciding to sponsor another poker cruise event after the near financial disaster of the last one, & it was only the quick thinking of Bazza ‘puppetmaster’ Earn that suggested increasing rake to 20% which limited losses to an acceptable two million pounds, after all, they had a captive audience in the middle of an ocean, and if the addicts wanted to get there fix, it was pay top dollar or nowt. As the idea’s bandied about this time, the PM’s are deciding how much to charge. MGR-Dick: “It goes without saying we gotta forget about actually including a main event ticket again coz it worked so well last time, and I think we should even take the modular approach one step further”. MGR-Malcontent scratches his head: “I dunno wot ‘modular’ means m8, but im all ears”. MGR-Dick: “Instead of having an all-in price for the lot, we should separate it all out into different bits, that way the junkies only pay for what they want, my thoughts are a figure of around $5.5k again, give ‘em $1700 for ex’s, charge ‘em $2k per cabin, and give em the option to pay $1.8k for the privilege of using our tables. MGR-Malcontent: “Wow, sounds a lot to me m8, does that include wages n stuff for the dealers” MGR-Dick: “lmfao were u born yesterday m8, we aint in the charity business are we”. MGR-Malcontent: “Yeah but there’s gunna be other benefits of booking via badjokes as well right?”. MGR-Dick has to think about this for a full 10 seconds before giving his usual half cocked reply: “Tell ‘em we’ll give em free food and put a cpl shows on”. MGR-Malcontent: “Aint they getting those anyway”. MGR-Dick: “Now ur learning m8, we’ll make a pokermanager outta u yet….”

The Pokermanagers - Mystery Horse

After Successfully convincing everyone the value of ‘Badjokes Poker I’, was worthless in order to avoid paying legitimate shareholders their due, then mysteriously selling it for millions in the USA soon after, Bazza ‘Im Alright Jack’ Earn wonders if its too soon to pull the same stunt again while wounds are still raw, so asks for opinions from the new breed of hyper-lazy pokermanagers. Bazza: “Im thinking of getting Jezza Nosedive to stable anuther nag for the addicts, any opinions?”. As a deathly hush comes over the room, Bazza repeats his request, this time adding the bribe: “Theres a free ticket to watch Leyton Occident in it for ya”. While most of the newbie PM’s cant be assed to unplug their iPod’d or daren’t speak for fear of crossing Don Bazza, the one remaining PM from the halcyon days of Berts reign, MGR-Gazza, pipes up: “Wot about going one step further than last time, we sell shares in a horse that doesn’t even exist, and coz the uptakes gunna be real slow, by the time all the shares are gone so will we”, Gazza winks then laughingly adds: “Looking at the state of the poker site that aint gunna be long anyway”. Bazza retorts: “I like the idea of a phantom horse bud, no training costs and all that, but we can’t just have it away with cash again, even the thickest addicts gunna be suspicious”. MGR-Gazza: “Ok m8, wot about just delaying the ‘progress report’ like we did with the RNG Audit, eventually the poker drones just give up, forget about it, or move to anuther site”. Bazza: “That’s more like it, but how u gunna fend off any queries?” MGR-Gazza: “we can always shut down the forum to stop the mugs asking questions, but before we do we should blame that useless toerag Jezza, surely the addicts will understand we know FA about horses, after all were pokermangers aint we…”

NewBee & OldLag - Poker In Yer Local

The lads are having a bevvy when NewBee pipes up: “have ya heard of that new ‘poker in yer local’ league they started, lotsa pubs have ‘em these days”. OldLag: “yeah, I heard about it, but I dunno if I wanna travel all over to play a freeroll against a loada muppets, sounds a rite bag of crap to me”. NewBee: “Well it mite be a laff, they even got one in the ‘stoat and ferret’ just up the road tonite, fancy giving it a whirl bud?”. After taking 15 mins convincing, and against his better judgement, OldLag finally agree’s to his m8’s request, so off they trot to register. OldLag: “So what’s ur alias then m8?” NewBee: “Only one contender m8, Its gotta be ‘The Hammer’ after my fav hand” OldLag: “lmao, course it is, that’ll scare ‘em, anyway there starting, so who’s the tourny director in case of any problems”. NewBee: “I think Jed behind the bar’s doing it, he told me he watched challenge last nite and sez it looks a piece of p1ss, that’s him, the guy dropping the cards on the floor over there, hope he picks ‘em all up lol”. Within 15 mins of the game starting its just like OldLag expected, if he’s heard ‘one time baby’, ‘im all-in’ and ‘if its got a name I’ll play it’ once he’s heard it a dozen times, but the real thing irritating him is that every hand someone's either betting outta turn, showing each other their cards, talking on their mobile or at the bar. One guy in particular must have the memory of a goldfish coz he keeps asking ‘how much are these chips worth’, before declaring ‘3 black ones’. OldLag gives a small shake of the head before looking at his hole cards and finding a nice AK sooted in the SB and decides to reraise, but aint surprised to see the GoldFish call without hesitation. The flop comes AQ7 rainbow so OldLag puts out a stinging bet for 1/2 the goldfish’s chips, slightly worried the nob has AQ but he’s hit his flop so is gunna play it. GoldFish says: “What do I have to put in” before making the expected call, and when the turn brings a K OldLag Moves In coz he’s pretty sure he’s in front, and its gunna be a relief to see the back of this pillock. GoldFish: “How Much is it again?.” to which OldLag replies dryly: “Most of Yer chips m8”. GoldFish takes no time before sliding all his chips in saying: “I mite as well, I’m next up at darts anyway” flipping over his 42 sooted, and although OldLag is totally gobsmacked notices that the turn gave him 4 to a flush which of course he hits on the river. As Goldfish stands up and starts walking away from the table one of the chav’s says: “Sit back down m8 u won !!!” and another adds “very well played m8, nice pot”. GoldFish chuckles: “hehe dunno how I did that, but at least u can get str8 on the dartboard if u fancy it m8….”

Jesse & ROY - U say it best

The Year is 2007, and It’s the start of yet another televised poker show. Poker is now so mainstream, it’s replaced all other television programmes, even the cartoons and news, with shows such as ‘Pokermon’, ‘Have I got Chit for u’, ‘Play ur cards wrong’, and a new variaton of ‘surprise surprise’ hosted by Cilla Slag. Even Denis Boredom has a new ‘It’ll be alright on the river’ show, featuring hilarious outdraws and outrageous action boards, It’s the No.1 prime-time show in Scandanavia, and our 2 boys are doing the English voice-over. JessePayMeLoads Yawns: ‘It looks like another thrilling encounter then!’. ROYTHEPLOY: “Yeah Jesse, it’s always a pleasure to watch 2 masters of the outdraw clashing head-to-head, who’s yer money on?’. Jesse Laughs: ‘Theres only one man in it for me ROY, its gotta be MildPrick, IMHO, he’s just got too much experience for BoyBlunder’. ROY shakes his head: ‘get fcuked, u muppet, its gotta be Blunder, he’s been in training for years and as u yourself say many time’s Jesse, ‘practice makes perfect’. Jesse feels like ROY is once again trying to publicly get one over on him, so has to issue a humiliating verbal slap. Jesse: ‘hahahaha, practice didn’t do u any good tho m8 lol’. ROY manages the best ‘on-the-spot’ put-down he can: ‘Better a has-been than a never was, u gobsh1te’. Jesse starts humming and singing: ‘U say it best, when u say nothing at all…”. ROY: ‘fcuk off..’


The Grudge - It's War

Its 11am and TheGrudge is just rising from his pit after another unsuccessful night. “you must be looking forward to the big family party tonight?” enquires his Girlfriend Bird. TheGrudge: “cant make it im afraid Bird, this fking bastard had the bare faced cheek to reraise me all-in yesterday, I got a score to settle” Bird: “who was that then”. TheGrudge: “some fking newbie guy I never heard of, his alias is ‘Littlefish’, a right fking muppet”. Bird: “what were you playing?”, TheGrudge: “the 2pm $1 NLH, but that’s not the point”. Bird: “where did you finish?” TheGrudge: “131st”. Bird: “unlucky, what did he have?”. TheGrudge “A pair of Jacks, they stood up against my AQ” Bird: “Hes a newbie, he will learn”. TheGrudge: “muther fkers like him never do Bird… hang on there he is now playing the freeroll, table 237, I got no chat, so tell him Bird, tell him NOW”. Bird: “Ok grudge, what you want me to say?” TheGrudge: “The usual, tell him ill play him omaha hi-lo heads up for all his bankroll”. Bird: “Ok, you want me to call him a muppet, moron, or w4nker”. TheGrudge: “moron will do, but make sure u do it in a sinister way”. After the challenge has been laid down, ‘Littlefish’ types: “who’s TheGrudge, why are you insulting me, and whats omaha?”. Bird turns to TheGrudge and says “what shall I tell him now?”. TheGrudge: “Just tell him to fcuk off, ill leave him for later, theres that other bstard still in the 9.30am, u know, the one who outdrew me last week, tell him Bird, tell him….”


The Grudge - Little fish are’nt always sweet

TheGrudge has finally left his PC. Bird: “you don’t look too good grudge”, his oppo says, adding “You’ve spent too much time and too much money playing internet poker, Ive never seen prison palour before, now I know what they mean” TheGrudge snarls: “fcuk off, u muppet, what would u know”. Bird: “I was just saying !!!”, TheGrudge: “Well don’t, Ive just taken a right hammering heads-up against that ‘Littlefish’ guy, u know the one you told to fcuk off for me last week” Bird: “I thought he was a muppet”. TheGrudge: “So did I, but it only turns out he’s the devilfish’s son, and im sure that lucky bstard was helping him”. Bird: “How much u lose?” TheGrudge: “Everything”. Bird: “So you wont be playing for a while then”. TheGrudge: “Theres Always the Play tables Bird, theres some right muppets on there”


The Grudge - Date

“Smoooooth” says TheGrudge to himself as he looks in the mirror, “A Nice drop of brylcream and my best poker shades, Bird’s in for a real treat tonight”. Its 3am and hes arranged to meet her at the usual place, Stavros’s Kebab shop. As he arrives he senses somethings wrong. “What fking time do u call this” screams Bird: “Sry Bird, I was involved in an MTT, and almost made a final table”. “You Lying Get” she says, “You’ve never been in an MTT this long before, you’ve been stalking that Reds again”. “No..No.. your wrong” grudge squeals, “I was playing poker, honest…”. A disbelieving Bird says “Hmmm, anyway, watcha having?”, TheGrudge: “Errrrr, Kebab I think”, “Me Too” Says Bird. “So What we doing after the kebab, fancy coming back to my place to play some poker?”. TheGrudge: “What the fking else did u think we wuz gunna do u muppet”


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